It All Starts Now (on hold)

Why Now?

*𝐽𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑖𝑛*

"I don't care whose child you are, but you will never be my daughter."

He wasn't always like this.

It was the day before my 12th birthday.

My "father" told me that he wanted more, but I just didn't want that. So I did what's best.

I said no.

"Father please, I just don't want to. I don't want this, Please forgive me." A single tear fell from my eye, but I didn't show him how truly hurt I was.

He kept telling me he was tired of my mother, that he needed more excitement, and I seemed to reach his excitement.

I had enough of this and I couldn't let it go any further than it already has.

I have been lying and covering up, telling my brother and mother that I've been playing to rough outside or at school, but in reality it's all because of my "father".

They would understand in my eyes, how I truly felt and why I'm doing this, but until then, it stays just between me and my ruthless stepfather.

𑁍𑁍

I've always wondered what it would be like to have a father of my own, a father that would claim me as his own child, love and care for me like never before.

But I wouldn't be able to have that feeling not with my father or stepfather. My stepfather hated me but always wanted me to call him "father" or "daddy".

Why?

Oh, I don't know, but one day I'll maybe know.

My real father died when I was a baby, even though me and Malik aren't fully siblings we always treated each other like we were.

Yes, we had the same mother, but fathers? Of course not.

His father loved and adored him, but used me as what's the word he uses? Oh right, a slut.

I never knew what that word meant. And I was scared to ever know what it meant.

I've had nightmares ever since I last saw the man I called father.

Malik could never figure out what or why I had nightmares, I'm scared to tell him.

It's Saturday and three in the morning and I'm laying in the arms of Malik. Once again.

My nightmares did stop for a few years but three weeks ago it came back, and I haven't been able to sleep well.

"Jay, we can't keep doing this, you have to tell me what's going on. Why are you blocking me out?" He pushes my wet hair that's been soaked in my sweat behind my ear.

I couldn't hold back anymore tears as they burst out, it wasn't cause of my dream anymore, it was because I had so much to tell him, I wanted to tell him but I just couldn't, it hurts to see the only one who cares about me the most beg me to talk to him, to not block him out, to trust and be trusted.