Rebel Red Shoes||Sirius Black

Three: What hurts the most

September 1st

BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ--Hitting the off button on my alarm clock I sat up groggily, eyes half open. It felt weird being back in my old bed, in my old lilac painted room. Especially as nothing had changed. It was like no one had come in here for the last five or so years. It was weird at first to be honest. It felt like...I don't know. First night I woke up and forgot where I was--I went to call Aunt Raven and ended up sobbing for an hour into my pillow. For the last few days all I could do way cry and strum Christians guitar. It took me five years to learn how to play it but there we go. I also had to deal with Lily and my parents. Lily avoids me, though when we see each other it feels like the air has left the room and were both left to choke on carbondyoxide and sweat. My parents aren't any better. Their distant. Mum's asking questions about the house and what I was left in the will. Dad keeps popping up with odd legal questions one moment, then he avoids me and hides in his study the next. I suppose I'm just as bipolar. I just...I don't know how to act. How to feel. With Aunt Raven I was straight forward--yet she and Uncle Christian taught me to hold my tongue, they taught me compassion. I knew it, but they taught me to show and embrace it. Now all I feel is this hopeless crushing grief and this...drowing sensation. Guilt. Loneliness. Fear. I hate it all. I wish I could turn it off for a day and go to a Muggle fair. I'd eat so much cotton candy I'd barf and then I'd go on the fastest ride there and scream until I can't feel my voice box. I miss them so much it physically hurts. I had no idea it could hurt this bad. When I left Lily it was like the breath was knocked from me, my heart ached and throbbed. So I wrote her a letter every day telling her what happened and how I felt...it helped. Like I was owling then and we could talk again. I wanted to do the same for Aunt Raven and Christian but I don't have the words. I have a book, I have a quill, I have ink, I have...no words. I feel like if I mess up a single line then I would have failed them. Like if it's not perfect then I'll fall off the deep end and crumple to dust. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I got up and stumbled like a drunk soldier to my closet, pulling out my 'Get-your-butt-on-the-train-motivational-September-first-outfit'. I'm working on hyphanating it. It's a long sleeved black shirt with a collar that has three buttons all undone, a black and yellow Nirvana singlet, a pair of ripped grey jeans, my knee high laced up combats, and a pair of grey leather fingerless gloves, my hair down and wavy around my face. Raven always told me she liked it better down. That done I grabbed my make-up bag, it's a small black bag with a unicorn embroiled on the bottom, and made my way across the hall to the bathroom. Doing my usual morning splash water on you're face then dry it like a weirdo routine I winged my eyes in black and put on my glossy lip gloss, popping my lips in satisfaction. "You used to tell me make-up is an act of anti-Robyn-is-um," A voice announced and I jumped peering over at Lily, my throat closing over in emotion. She wore another of her green dress creations with green tights and white flats, her hair in a complicated braid. I bossed nervously gulping. "It still is but Auntie Rave...Well she taught me how to use eyeliner and lip gloss and I decided I'll be a hypocrite for a little while." I told her wavering and she sighed looking tired. "Look--for what it's worth I missed you. I hate you don't get me wrong, but I missed you." I sniffed feeling a sting in my heart when she said she hated me. Not for the first time did the words have to die on my lips. She can't know--I can't do that to her, no matter the consequences. I love her too much. My big sister. "I missed you too Lily--so much." She nodded slightly. "I know--but this won't work. At Hogwarts it's better for everyone if we avoid each other--you're still a Gryffindor and I'm Head girl this year. Stay away from me Robyn--it's best." She turned away and I bit my lip. "But I don't want to," I managed to whisper but she had already walked off to her room across the hall just beside mine, door closing with a click. Pushing back the dizzy lightheaded feeling that washed over me I left the bathroom and walked into my old room deciding a few hours of strumming would help calm my nerves. My alarm clock read '8:47'AM. You know--it isn't the guilt. It's not the pain. It's not the grief. It's not even seeing Lily again or knowing because I can't explain, can't tell her the truth--something I Pride myself on saying-- that she'll NEVER forgive me that hurt the most. That digs into my skin and twists. It's the fact that in the end, that with the only person who knew and understood gone and burried, I'm alone. I'll always be alone--and that terrifies me endlessly and irrevocably to the point that I had to re-do my make up four times before I had learned how to cry without smudging it.