emails // michael clifford

four

Sent: 6/10/2014

To: amylockhart@yahoo.com

From: mikeygclifford@yahoo.com

Dear Amy,

We did a show today, and I kind of sucked. My voice kept cracking whenever I sung, and I wasn't doing my guitar solos properly. Look what you've done to me, Amy.

I'll never understand why you did that — we could have just talked about it. I hate myself for letting you go and making you do that horrible thing — taking your own life. I hate myself for making you feel like suicide was the only option. I'm sorry, Amy.

I'm not crying anymore, but I don't feel anything either. I just feel black. I just don't feel like myself these days, I feel like every show is a chore that I have to get over with. I don't feel pain, I don't feel anger, I just don't feel anything anymore.

The day before you died, I tried contacting you. Stella told me that you had changed your number . . . I should have known that she borrowed your phone because hers broke. I tried to go to your apartment, but you weren't there. you were nowhere to be found. But since you hadn't been missing for 24 hours, the police couldn't take any action yet.

The next day, they found you in the same spot where we first said our i love yous. the dock.

Haha... I'm so stupid and I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i fucking hate myself for this.

Why did I ever have to let you go?

I'm such a fuck up... loving a person who's still dead.

im sorry, amy.

love,

michael clifford, your ex lover