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Chapter 17

I have found it! It is not what we expected. I do not know what this means, but I am not ready for anyone else to know about my discovery. Too much is at stake, and I do not know who to trust. I have a plan to keep the information secret, even from myself. I need time to think.

They ran through ice, through thousands of prickling droplets that pelted their face. Pain, like needle pricks, coursed over their skin, but still they ran. Behind is darkness, pain, loneliness, confusion... So they ran through a lesser pain because it was so much easier than going back to before. They had no soul, no mind, no self, just pain. Pain and running. Someone shouted behind them. They did not stop even when they bumped into others that bent and yelled. Stopping meant going back, so they surged forward until their feet slipped, and they fell into something hard.

Someone was touching their face. She, they, it, tried to move, to strike out at whatever was touching them. Their arms wouldn't move. It hurt to think. It hurt to be touched. It hurt to exist.

She was a child, alone in a room that was too big.

He was a nurse at the asylum.

She had just lost her home and didn't know how to pay for food at the market.

He was hiding in the dark, trying to rub the pain out of his arms. She loved looking at the sky. He was a tactical, homeless, trapped, scared, losing her mind.

She could feel something being taken from her, sucked out of her mind like sand through her fingers. It was hers; she didn't want it to leave. Her mind tried to wall it off, keep it from being stolen, but it was like holding embers fresh from a fire. The harder she held on, the hotter it got, until her mind was nothing but fire and blisters, light and ash. Finally, she let go, body shaking from the effort. In that moment, the pain vanished.

Part of her, a big part of what she had been only moments before, was gone. She felt the absence acutely. In her mind, it was the pain of loss, and, physically, she felt a distant tear roll down her cheek. Her soul was in shambles, she knew it, had always known it, but this was new. She felt better and worse at the same time. The pain and confusion were gone, though she could still feel echoes of it as her thoughts settled. At first she was only ethereal, multiple lives bumping into each other. But the more time her mind had to collect itself, the easier it was to think straight. She felt as though she were falling into herself, from a collection of memories, to a soul, to, finally, Sanya.

Icy fingers stroked her cheek, and Sanya shuddered and jerked away. Someone moved beside her, But Sanya couldn't open her eyes. She was so tired.

"Shh, Ava. Calm. Calm."

The fingers returned, this time brushing the hair to the sides of her face. She felt sweat dripping down her neck and clinging to her hair. She needed water, but her mouth refused to work. Slowly, the feel of the cold fingers on her face lulled her to sleep.

"Ava. Ava!"

Her body was shaking. No. Someone was shaking her, almost yelling in her ear.

"Need to wake up!"

Someone pulled her to a sitting position and pressed something to her lips. Water poured into her throat, and she nearly choked on it. The moisture soothed her aching tongue. She sucked at the bottle, desperate for the cool relief. It ran dry, and she collapsed back onto her bed. After a few deep breaths, she forced her eyelids open. The lights in the room bounced and swayed. The bridge. How had she gotten back here?

A face framed by silvery hair leaned into her view and frowned. "Slept too deep. Had to wake you."

"Kimoe, what happened?"