Revealing Demons [🐌 UPDATES]

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I don’t really remember the years of myself being a infant, let alone a toddler, but I was told my first word was a curse word and I was spanked for it. Never really believed it, but who am I to determine what my caregivers were doing with me, when I was those ages. The earliest memory I can recall vibratly was — I was with my father and who I thought was my mom — turns out to be just my dad's girlfriend, but she is the mother of my two younger brothers — we were on a property that was masive and it had more rooms that any house I could remember. I don’t really even remember my true age at this time, but I know I was youngen. There was a room that had a bunk bed set, and a wide space in front of those beds, just covered in a clutter of blankets on each other, I remember I saw a glismpe of the wood floors under all those blankets. I was playing with one my cousins, from my stepmother’s side of the family, her name will be Sam for the purpose of the memory and privacy reasons. Just two girls laughing, singing, and being loud — just the typical childhood day (you know?) — when a elder cousin — (his name will be Murry) came into the room, trying to usher Sam to “play” with him under his blankets on the top bunk (which was his bed). Me — the youngest, and always loved playing at the time — wanted to play with him too. I started to cry and wail when Sam tried to stop me from wanting to “play” with Murry. On the verge of tattling, Murray reassured me that I would be able to play with him afterwards, meaning after him and Sam were done. So I sat on the big cluster of blankets on the floor, where I sat and occasionally glanced over at the shuffling under his blanket. I was jealous that it wasn’t me there — until it was a more traumatic moment for me.

    When Sam and Murry were done, Sam didn’t leave a moment to even remotely notice my small child presence, she was just rushing toward the door and leaving me behind. Then a few moments passed and Murry peaked his head out from his blanket and ushered me to his bed. That was the first time I ever felt a gut sickening feeling in my life, but it didn’t stop me from climbing up the cold metal ladder to join him in his bed. My heart felt like it was beating outside of my body when he asked if he should use the jar or his spit. I was confused — when I asked “what does the jar look like?” — I physically was making a sour face when he shuffled to lift the blanket up to show a nasty looking jar filled of something — I don’t even know what the hell it was in that disgusting container. So I answered with the word “spit” — god was this a turning point for my small child brain.

He then spit in his hand as he moved it down to his pants, pulling his pants slightly down to reveal a rather aroused member — I looked away already regretting my decision to “play” with Murry. A small whimper turned into a full blown cry fest, as I begged him to put that thing away. He got mad at me and told me to leave, but warned me if I told Nana and Papa (my stepmom's parents), I was gonna get in more trouble than him. So I didn’t tell anyone, I just left his room, crying, and took a long shower. I was asked if I was okay and I just lied and said I had a bad nightmare, I wish I was just honest, but you can never change the past. This was one of the three times, Murray had persuaded me to play with him.

Last Updated: O8.3O.22