Secrets of Me | s. black

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t h i r t y - s i x

For reasons unknown to Remus, as the years went on his life seemed to progressively get worse. Bad things seemed to always happen to him, and each year included something new and somehow even more painful.

The first tragic event happened in 1964. He had been attacked and bitten by a werewolf in his very own bedroom, and had spent the next year refusing to come out of his room, refusing to come out of his house, refusing to do literally anything. It was too hard. There was too much shame and fear and sadness involved — more than any four-year-old should have to deal with.

The next 7 years of his life were full of excessive reading, hiding him away from the world, and a pit of self-loathing that grew worse and worse every full moon. His parents tiptoed around him constantly, as if they were walking around on very thin ice. He pretended he didn't see the way his father winced when he locked him behind the basement door to transform, or the sounds of his mother crying echoing through the walls of her bedroom. He pretended he didn't want friends as his parents kept him away from the neighbors, pretended he didn't care when they moved to a new house each time someone got too close to the truth.

Remus was good at pretending. He was good at hiding. He was good at hating everything about himself.

And then in 1971, Dumbledore had shown up on their doorstop with a Hogwarts letter in hand. Remus remembered his eleven-year-old self clutching his mothers' arm as the white-bearded man told him he could go to Hogwarts. He could be a normal boy. He could learn magic. He could have friends.

His parents didn't want him to go at first. In fact, they strongly argued against it. But Dumbledore won them over eventually. He won them over with the promise that Remus would have a place to go on each full moon, a place far enough away from the rest of the students. And his parents agreed, as did Remus.

Until he was dropped off at the train station. He was so afraid to start at Hogwarts. So scared of meeting other people, for he hadn't had friends since he was four. Scared of the monster that lurked right beneath the surface, itching to get out and hurt everyone Remus got close to.

But despite all that fear, despite the fact that he was a monster — 3 absolutely insane boys in his year made him a part of their group. And when they found out what he was in second year, they didn't run away. No, in fact, they got closer. And they then spent the next three years dedicated to becoming Animagi, wanting to be there with Remus on the full moons to help.

And Remus had been happy. Still in pain every full moon and still scared of hurting others — but happy. He was loved and thought of as a friend and top of most of his classes. He had a home with the marauders and Lily, with Alice and Marlene and Brielle.

But then 1979 came along and the war started taking from their lives. It took and took and took until there was nothing left to take. First it was the Prewett twins. Then it was Marlene and her family. Then it was Dorcas. And on and on it went. Taking and taking and taking until everyone was so afraid and grieved that happiness seemed to have disappeared from the world forever.

And then the year 1980 came, consisting of James and Lily's son Harry being born, as well as the Longbottom's son, Neville. There was a brief period of joy that brightened up everyone's lives. For Remus and his friends, it was the best year of their lives.

Then 1981 came. It was the year Remus thought everything had been taken from him. For one, in January his mother died of cancer. Two months later Brielle disappeared on a dangerous mission, assumed to be dead when she never returned. Those weeks awaiting her arrival that never came were absolute hell for the order. Here was a broken, shattered girl that had lost almost everything to the war, trying to make up for it by fighting back. And then she was taken too.