"Do I look okay?" I yelled out before, leaving the bathroom wearing a cardigan, leather jacket, my old levi's and a pair of boots.
"You look like you." Lucy smiled.
"Ugh!" I took my hair down out of a ponytail, "that doesn't help - is looking like me a good thing. I'm having a meeting with my ex, don't you think you could boost my confidence - just a little bit."
Lucy rolled her eyes at me and went back to drinking her coffee in bed. "You look fine."
I jutted my chin out at her in disbelief. "Okay that is it - the next time you want fashion advice I am giving you nothing!" She just chuckled and flicked over another page of the vogue she was looking at.
"Cara, you look good." She grinned.
I grabbed my keys and stuffed them into my bag, along with my phone - lipstick, cigarettes, perfume and swung it over my shoulder kissing my sister on the head. "I hate you. Wish me luck."
"Love you too!" She sung out as I slammed the door closed behind me.
Racing through the subway, tapping my foot nervously I started jotting down my thoughts on my notebook.
I kept my fingers busy, and sent another text to Timothée.
I love you, call me, I miss you - going to the meeting now.
I found myself in front of a block of flats and that's when my mind started clicking things together.
"I'm outside." I sent a voice message to Harry, turning my head to see paps already on my case. I groaned, then the door buzzed open and I pushed through the heavy door, slamming it in the camera's faces. I stuck a middle finger up at them.
I walked up to the stairs to see Harry in all his colourful glory. Jewel tones and violently vibrant hues twirling around him like the wind.
"Hello." He smirked with that furrowed brow. I looked up at him from the story below and kissed my teeth, raising an eyebrow at him from the landing below.
"Did you have to pick the top floor?" I called up, out of breathe.
He chuckled, opened the door wider and placed a hand on my shoulder kissing my cheek. "How are you darling?" He asked in our shared accent.
It was almost odd how natural it was for us to be comfortable around each other, after all this time and after everything that had transpired between us.
"Wow." I chuckled at Harry looking at his studio. I pointed up at the photograph hung up, a Robert Mapplethorpe. "You got it." I smiled.
Harry tilted his head to side, and nodded. "Yeah. It was uh," he hesitated and then stopped mid-sentence. "Can I get you anything?" He asked. He almost seemed nervous to have me in his space.
"Um, no I'm fine." I replied stuffing my hands into my back pockets, looking around. "Thank you though." I added.
His eyes avoided mine for a second and then he forced a smile.
"So, I know this seems weird - I didn't set this up trust me, apparently there's been some issues with the production so the team is fixing that - I don't know, they'll be here in a bit but I was hoping that we could listen to the album together anyway - I mean I was hoping that would be okay, with you, of course." He rambled.
I nodded my head awkwardly and sat down on the chaise lounge as he went over to the stereo and selected his album demo.
"You've got the track list order and everything figured out." I noticed, smiling.
He scratched the back of his head, "yeah well it wasn't an easy story to tell - I just think, I knew if I was going to tell it, well that it had to be told this way."
The beat began to the first track and I immediately started nodding my head along, then his lyrics came along and he avoided my eyes immediately. He usually only sung so softly in bed. It was fun and light. It was a pleasure to listen to, only underneath the melodies could you hear the meanings.
Late Night Talking came on and I sunk into the sofa, smiling a little - when the chorus came in Harry moved to the other side of the room drawing the curtain back started to sing along a little.
We've been doin all this late night talkin
Bout anythin you want until the mornin
Now you're in my life
I can't get you off my mind
It reminded me of when we first met, when we weren't together just crushing on each other - hard - when I first started to feel comfortable with him, when we became, more than anything else, the best of friends.
The rest of the album played through up until his last track Boyfriends. I hadn't realised how little of my work he would use and instead how much would instead be about, well about 'us'.
We sat opposite each other on the floor. "Can you play Satellite for me again?" I asked.
He nodded and didn't say anything.
Spinning out, waiting for ya to pull me in
I can see you're lonely down there
Don't you know that I am right here?
I must've listened to it on a loop three times, until he turned it off.
"I'm so sorry Cara." He croaked. I didn't say anything, just chewing my lip. "You were everything to me, you were absolutely everything to me - and I'll never forgive myself." His voice was ragged and raspy. I closed my eyes.
"Why did you write boyfriends?" I whispered.
"It was about what I did to you, everyone I've ever met knows that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm never going to forgive myself for letting you go. For pushing you away when I needed you the most."
I looked at him. Harry was sat with his arms resting on his knees. I sobbed.
"I was so fucking scared Harry."
He didn't say anything.
"Don't you remember? That night after your album release - a few days before we went back to Paris, we were in London - remember?" I whispered into the distance between us.
He didn't say anything and just nodded slowly.
"You don't remember do you?" I realised, feeling hot tears running down my cheeks.
Harry gulped. "No, I don't, I'm sorry. I was so out of it - I don't think I remember most of those days."
My mouth fell open to say something. But I had no words.
I closed my eyes and I remembered.
