Bottled Emotions

21.

I made a mistake.

Meeting with him.

Holding him.

Opening up to him.

Becoming vulnerable.

I lost something so valuable to me.

Something I cannot get back.

I almost lost something else...

But I was too scared.

I left with feeling for him.

But what did he feel?

I'm not sure.

What was he thinking?

Am I just another girl.

He can probably get any girl he wants.

So why was I a target?

Why did he give me false hope?

Does he even like me?

Why do I like him?

I've grown a strong attachment to him.

He's on my mind 25/8.

Do I love him?

Do I like him?

Or don't I?

He makes my heart ache.

And easily makes me smile.

But with that same minimal effort,

He makes my heart hurt.

And makes me cry.

Doubt myself.

Feel even more lonely than before.

Make me feel like I'm not enough.

Make me regret not giving him something more valuable that day.

In truth...

I was scared.

I didn't want it to hurt.

I was also scared of being judged.

Is it so bad that I have morals?

And have value within myself?

Why won't he speak to me?

He only texts me at night...

He takes forever to respond.

I want to hang out with him again.

I want to hold him again...

He has no idea how much I've been waiting for someone to just...hold me.

I've never been held...

Or felt that much affection in such little time.

Why did you do this to me if you were just gonna leave me anyway?

Why do all of this?

You said you knew I was a sensitive person.

Do you not think what you did was wrong?

Never "are you okay" texts.

Or "wyd" even.

Nothing...

I hate you for doing this to me.

But I also love you at the same time.

Do I love you?

Do I hate you?

I don't know.

But you were my first.

How do you expect me to feel?

You said "don't play with my emotions"

Don't play with mine.

What emotions do you feel for me anyway?

Lust? Greed? Temptation?

That's all I've seen from you.

And the moment I said "no"

Eventhing went downhill.

Why did you do this to me?

Why?!

You're fucking distracting me.

I don't want to be alone.

I have depression.

I wanted to fucking kill myself.

All because I was so lonely.

And now you just think you can't waltz right into my heart and play with it like a fucking game?

Why did you do it?

How could you do it?

I hate myself.

I hate my body.

My hair.

My face.

My skin.

My eyes.

My voice.

My height.

Even more so...

Because you make me feel like I am nothing.

Why do men do this?

Your heart has been broken too many times?

I've lost way more than you.

I lost my sisters.

My dad is absent as a person.

My mom is absent as a person.

My sisters are absent as a person.

I have no friends.

I have no love life.

I fall in love so quickly because of everything that has happened in my life.

I crave to be loved.

Because I never was loved by others properly.

I'm always never enough.

Why am I writing this?

This doesn't even make me feel better.