Bottled Emotions

25.

I don't want to feel like this.

I don't want to feel at all if that were possible.

It was just a thing.

That day.

Didn't mean anything.

Don't act like it did.

Don't show him that you miss him.

His scent.

The way he felt.

I've been craving physical touch for so long.

And once I got it, I never wanted to lose it.

Now he treats me like I don't exist.

Maybe I should do the same.

But I can't do it.

Even though I mean nothing to him.

He took me to his house that morning for one thing only.

Something I was too scared to do.

Maybe if I did it with him...would things have been different?

It's wrong to think that way.

My body doesn't belong to him.

And I'm a fool for wanting to give him everything I can just to stay around him.

I don't know what it is about him that makes me drawn.

Maybe it was him holding me in a way no one has ever cared to.

Hold my hand...

He gave me everything I have ever dreamed about...

And I guess I owe it to him for allowing me to experience that for the first time.

I'm happy it was with him in a way.

If that makes sense.

I've lacked so much love in my life that now it's hitting me all at once.

I finnally got a taste of what it meant to be loved.

An addictive taste that I want more and more of.

Something that I absolutely need or I'll go crazy.

I guess I'm just denying the fact that what we had is gone.

He doesn't text me anymore.

Only at night.

He doesn't talk to me anymore.

Look at me even.

Probably never has a single thought of me.

He told me all these things.

"I'll protect you."

"When I first saw you I thought you were so beautiful."

"Are you okay?"

Nobody has shown me that kind of affection before.

It was like no one cared about my actual feelings.

I just never opened up.

About anything.

How could you expect me to lose my virginity to you the first time we meet up.

You try to be a girl who is insecure about her body and is scared of being judged my you because of her imperfections.

It's not that I didn't want to lose it to you...

I was just too scared to.

But why does that give you a reason to never speak to me again?

Why does that give you a reason to move onto the next?

Why me?

Why not someone else?