I promised you. | Austin Butler

Part 16

The next couple of hours pass by in an awkward haze and I hate every second of it. I don't hate the cottage. I don't hate the jacuzzi size bath I'd just been lay in. I don't hate the warmth the water just bought over my body after the rain leaving my shivering to the bone. I don't hate the glass of champagne I'd drank whilst in there. And I sure as hell don't hate the man who treated me to such luxuries. 

But I do hate the awkwardness. I do hate the fact my hearts in my throat. I do hate the fact I can't bring myself to look at all my unopened messages on my phone. And I hate the fact I'm sat twiddling my thumbs on the edge of the king size bed in my fresh pyjama bottoms and hoodie awaiting the shower to shut off behind the closed bathroom door, separating me from the man I can't stop thinking about. 

I thanked him for the bath. I thanked him for the champagne. I sat and stewed and thought of things to say whilst I was in there and then I didn't say a word of it when I eventually came out an hour later. He didn't say a word either although the way his eyes scanned across my face every few minutes let me know he'd probably spent the last hour stewing over his own words too. I walked past him and watched as he walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and turning on the shower. And now I sit here, hair drying in the natural air with my legs bouncing up and down like an anxious kid going to the dentist. 

When the shower finally shuts off I close my eyes and let out a deep sigh, gathering myself, but the door opens within seconds. I shot my eyes across to him and he's already fully dressed and his hair is already half dried. I look him up and down, his fresh jogging bottoms and baggy tee and he lets out a soft smile. 

"I thought if I left the shower on it would give me more time" he speaks, and I can't help but laugh and relax slightly. He was just as anxious as me. 

He shuts the bathroom door behind him and takes a step forward, and I push myself off the bed. Despite everything. The situation. The kiss. The sex. This was a man I used to love dearly and is a man I was so deeply proud of. It was either go home first thing in the morning or it was try and rekindle a relationship of some sort. 

"I'm sorry" I begin, and he's at the side of me now and places himself down on the bed. I turn to look at him slightly, starting to move my position so I can face him, but he grabs my hand and pulls me down so I'm sat beside him, but so close our sides are touching. He leaves his hand in mine but places them so they're on his lap, and his thumb starts to run circles across mine. 

"I'M sorry" he cuts me off, accentuating  the I'M and I suddenly realise the irony of it all. Our arguments were always few and far between and they would always end in us both apologising. It was probably why we both agreed to separate all those years ago, because we always had to end on the same note. Not one of us the winner, but both of us in unison. 

"Theres nothing to be sorry about, Aus. I shouldn't have asked you that. I shouldn't even be here in all honesty." 

He smiles and gives my hand a squeeze and I have a sudden urge to drag him onto the bed and wrap my arms around him and stay there all night. No sex, no sneaky link shit, just pure comfort in each other embrace. 

"And I shouldn't have asked." he says. Again. Neither of us the winner, both of us on the same note. I smile at him this time and can't help a laugh escape my lips, shaking my head as I look down at our entwined hands. 

"And I could have said no, yet here I am. Fucking my ex on a kitchen table and ignoring the life outside of it." I sigh, because he doesn't know how to answer me but I still have things to say, and my heart is thumping in my chest. "I don't think I ever stopped loving you, Austin. I really don't. Theres a reason I couldn't keep a friendship with you. Theres a reason I couldn't even follow you on instagram, for god sake. And that note you left, throwing that away was nearly as gut wrenching as when we actually broke up. But you have to understand I have a life now. A career I love so much. A life ahead that I have visions for. A wedding, dogs, maybe kids. I don't know. Our lives are so different and I can't just drop everything like our lives are the same as they were when we were younger."