I Hate You More

Won't You Please Just Look At Me

Harlen

I grabbed Remington's arm as we made our way into his house. It was mainly for balance because, my fucking uterus was still killing me but, I also wanted him close to me. Ever since we got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon, I felt like I had to have him close to me, and it was driving me absolutely fucking insane. I didn't want to need someone. I never had, and I never planned to.

"Here," He said softly, "you sit. I'll go get you some water."

I sent him a small, grateful, smile. We hadn't spoken much at all but, he was still there, and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

"Look who it is!" Sebastian smiled as he strayed into the living room with a bottle of gin in his hands.

"Seb, it's ten in the morning." I cracked a small smile at the man as he sat down next to me.

"It's five o'clock somewhere," He shrugged before taking a sip of the alcohol, "and where is the party?"

I rolled my eyes at his attempt, prompting him to softly nudge me in the shoulder and raise his eyebrows, "Oh come on! Where is the party?"

"Here is the party." I mumbled.

Sebastian stood up, and cuffed his hand around his ear, "I- sorry- I couldn't hear you. What was that?"

"Here is the party!" I yelled through laughter.

Leave it to these boys to cheer me up when I was feeling down.

"Fuck yeah!" Emerson yelled as he walked into the living room.

"Where is the party?" Sebastian asked again.

"Here is the party!" Emerson and I yelled with smiles on our faces.

This happened about ten times.

"Why are you guys yelling?" Remington groaned as he lazily walked back into the living room, and handed me a glass of water.

"We're not yelling," Emerson clarified, "we're simply chanting a profound expression."

"Come on," Remington sighed, "you're not supposed to be stressing her out."

"I'm fine." I shrugged.

"She's fine." Sebastian smirked.

Remington glared at his older brother, then shook his head, "So let her stay that way."

I saw what he was doing, and it was sweet that he cared but, it was also making me nervous.

"Rem, I'm fine," I sighed, "the only one stressing me out is you."

That came out wrong.

"And that's our queue!" Emerson jumped up off the sofa, and grabbed ahold of Sebastian's arm before making a hasty exit.

"Really," Remington scoffed, "I'm sorry for trying to help you!"

"I know you're trying to help me- and I appreciate that- but-"

"But what," The raising of his voice rose my nerves up as well, "but you don't want me to be here for you?"

"That's not what I'm saying," I defended, "it's just- I wish you weren't being so overbearing!"

"I'm worried about you!"

"Well don't be! I'm right here," I stood up and stepped closer to him so I could get a better look in his eyes, "I promise, I'll tell you if anything is happening."

"Will you," He scoffed as he stepped back from me, bringing a look of confusion to my face, "I mean was the kid even mine?"

"What," I finally yelled, "what the fuck do you mean was the kid even yours? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Well then why didn't you tell me that you were pregnant?" He yelled back.

"Because I didn't know!" My voice cracked through the scream.

Who was he to yell at me about this? As if I fucking wanted any of it in the first place. All of the shit I've been through and, what? I was just waiting for the next blow?

I sat down on the sofa, and winced with pain, causing Remington's face to soften.

"So much for not stressing me out." I chuckled dryly, and when he tried to sit down next to me I pushed him away, "no. Fuck you. Don't talk to me again until you get your fucking shit straightened out. I get that you've been through shit but, that's not my fault, and you don't get to take it out on me."

I didn't give him a chance to respond before grabbing my bag, and slamming his front door behind me.

——————————————————————————

It's been two days, and I had barely left my bed. I felt like shit. My heart hurt, my mind hurt, and my body still ached worst of all.

"Harlen?" Gianna peered through the doorway of my bedroom.

"What's up bugs?" I said weakly.

"Are you ok?"

She walked over and sat down on the end of my bed, my eyes staying focused on her, "I'm fine babe. Why wouldn't I be?"

I tried my best to explain what happened to Gianna but, she couldn't really understand why. Neither could I, if I'm being honest.

"I don't know," Gianna shrugged sadly, "you just haven't gotten out of bed in awhile."

I patted the spot next to me on the bed, warranting her to cuddle up next to me.

"I know I've been sleeping a lot," I sighed, "I'm just really tired from the meds that the doctor gave me."

I wasn't one hundred percent lying but, I wasn't being completely honest either. I had felt this pull to Remington for the past week, and now I wasn't even sure I ever wanted to see him again. It was really confusing, and really painful.

Gianna tried her best to hug me, and I hugged back, "I love you kid."

I kissed her forehead before she spoke, "I love you too."

We sat for a couple minutes in silence. Even having Gianna next to me, made me feel a little bit better.

"Harls," Renee knocked on my door, and opened it after I told her to come in, "Remington is here."

I sighed, and threw myself out of my bed and made my way out of the front door, and sat next to him on the front steps before taking a drag of the cigarette he was smoking.

We sat in silence for what felt like years, before he spoke up, "What the fuck are we doing?"

"I don't know Remington," I scoffed lightly as I passed his cigarette back to him, and puffed out some smoke, "but maybe we should take some time to figure it out?"

I felt his eyes snap to me but, I was looking at my bare feet. I didn't want to look at him because, I knew that if I looked at him I'd cave. I'd crack.

"What," He said in disbelief, "you're gonna give up just like that?"

"Yeah. I guess so." I shrugged.

"And you're not even gonna look at me," He scoffed before chuckling dryly, "Harlen, look at me! Please."

He was begging, and it broke me.

"No," I whispered, "every time I look at you, I crack, and I can't crack this time."

I saw him shake his head out of the corner of my eye.

"We're too fucking broken Rem." I said defeatedly, tears reaching the brim of my eyes.

"That's the fucking point," He yelled but, let out a sigh of guilt when I flinched, "we've always been broken people. We've always known that the other one was broken but, I thought the point was that two broken pieces, could be put together to create something beautiful."

"Sometimes they can." I got up and brushed the dirt off the back of my legs, "but, sometimes they're just not meant to be."

Without another word, I went back inside and shut the door behind me, blocking him out for good. I watched through the window as he sat with his head in his heads for an eternity, before getting up, and leaving my life, with my heart in his hands. It was hard to believe it but, now we were done.