I Just Wanted A Pillow...

I Deserve Better

"It's not me, is it?" Wes's voice dropped down to nearly a meek whisper.  I could tell there was a hint of hurt in his voice by the break.

I looked up at him, and I noticed that look.  That look I got from Aaron when I told him we couldn't be together.  It was the same distant, yet hurt look.  And I didn't think I could handle breaking another heart.  "No." I answered. 

                "It's him, isn't it?"

I didn't know the answer to that.  "It's me, Wes.  I can't do this again."

                "Again?  Can't do what again?"

I never told Wes about Kale, or what happened between the three of us.  I didn't want to talk about it.  It brought up too many bad memories that I wanted to let go of.  "Let's just say I've been in this situation before...And I'm not doing it again."

Wes stepped back like I had just slapped him right across the cheek.  "So, there's not a chance?"

I lifted my shoulders and dropped them.  "Right now, no.  There's not.  It's always going to be Aaron." I felt a tear trickle down my cheek, but I quickly swiped it before Wes could see.

                "What the hell is wrong with you?"

He should have just slapped me in the face.  It sure felt like one.  "What?"

                "What the hell is wrong with you?" He repeated in a hiss through his clenched teeth.  "Why would you come here with me, kiss me, and..." he trailed off.

I shook my head, and a few more tears spilled over my eye lids.  "Wes, no.  It's not like that.  I care about you, but I just can't hurt anyone anymore.  Not you, not Aaron..."

                "But you're hurting me now, and you don't care."

                "I do care.  Don't say I don't care, Wes!  I'm doing this because I care." I paused for a moment.  "I love you, Wes.  I have for six years.  But it can't happen like this." My voice dropped down to a whisper.  I was getting choked up again.  "I need to figure things out.  Without getting anyone involved, or getting involved with anyone.  I'm not a good person, and I know that."

                Wes didn't say anything.  It was like he was mute.  He was expressionless, and I could tell he didn't know what to say.  All he did was turn on his heel, and leave the room.  The moment the door shut, and collapsed on the bed.  A sob escaped my lips before I could stop it.  I covered my mouth quickly, letting it out before I started screaming.  I was weak.  I can't keep doing what I'm doing.  I don't know what happened.  After everything that happened last year, my chest hurt with the anticipation that it might happen again.  But I'm not going to let it.  I'm going to renew myself.  I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

                It was true what I said.  It's Aaron.  It's always going to be Aaron.  I've never loved someone so much.  And when he told me he didn't even know me, that hurt.  It felt like someone took a knife, and carved out my insides.  I felt hollow and numb.  And I acted on my pain, and inflicted it on someone else.  Someone who didn't deserve it, but I felt like they did.  I regret it.  I was upset with Aaron, and I took it out on Wes.  I should have waited to come here with the others.  I made a huge mistake.  I just want to see Aaron.  But I'm sure he doesn't even want to talk to me.  And I don't blame him.

"We're here!"  I heard Hayden's voice coming from downstairs.  This house was huge, and it echoed through.  I've been in bed for the past two days, barely leaving my room.  I went to dinner with Wes and his parents the other night, but they were so busy lately, we just ordered pizza.  We really haven't talked, either.  He does his own thing, and I'll do mine.  I feel bad about it.  I've tried making normal conversation, but he just walks away from me.

                I ran down the stairs as quickly as possible, and jumped in Hayden's arms.  "I'm sorry." I whispered.  He gave me a gentle squeeze, and pulled away.  "As long as you're okay, I'm okay." he had a crooked smile.  "Still, I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have left without telling you."

He just shrugged, "its fine.  Just tell me next time."

I nodded, and he walked around me, and up the stairs.  Lydia came running through the door, and didn't hesitate to run behind me, and jump into Wes's arms.  She started kissing him repeatedly, and I rolled my eyes and turned around. 

                Aaron stepped through the door, and for some reason I just wanted to cry.  He kind of smiled, but it faded within seconds.  I walked up to him, and looked up at him.  "Can we talk?  Please?" I murmured.  It was late.  Last I checked the clock it was 11:00 P.M.  That was about fifteen minutes ago.  "I came to your house." he spoke.

                "When?"

                "That night."

I grabbed his hand, and led him through the house.  I led him through the back doors, and onto the pool deck before anyone could see us.  I sat down on one of the padded loungers, and Aaron sat in the one across from me.  "I didn't mean any of those things-" Aaron started, but I interrupted.

                "Don't.  I deserved it."

He shook his head, and leaned forward.  "No, you didn't.  I was angry.  You lied to me, Jenny.  You lied about being with someone else...You told me I was the only one.  You could have told me the truth."

                "I didn't want you to think less of me-"

                "Like I already don't?"

Ouch.  "I deserved that, too.  But I was hoping when I got back, things would go back to how they were with us.  We were fantastic up until I left.  I want that back."

He looked down at his fumbling hands, and bouncing feet.  He looked up a moment later, a spark of hope dwindling in his features.  "I want that too.  So badly.  But I don't know if we can, you know?  We're so different now.  The Jenny I know wouldn't have come here with that douche bag.  I wasn't lying when I said I had no idea who you are."

                "I just want you, Aaron.  I want you now, I want you tomorrow...I just want you.  I need you, Aaron."  I leaped forward, gripping Aaron's face between my hands.  I straddled his hips, and I pressed my lips against his, kissing him with sweet aggression.  I pulled away to leave several kisses on his neck, and I met his lips again within seconds.  I felt his fingers wrap around my wrists, and he jerked my hands away from his face, and jerked back.  I opened my eyes, and he was shaking his head.  "What?  What's wrong?" I requested quickly, searching his eyes for an answer.

                "I can't do this...I deserve better."

The words hit me like a ton of bricks.  A faint gasp escaped my lips, and I climbed off of his lap.  He was right.  He did deserve better.  He deserved much better.  And I think I already knew that.  But it was worse coming from him.

                I took off running back inside the house, and upstairs before anyone saw me to ask questions.  I didn't want to cry, but my brain was telling me otherwise.  I locked the bedroom door, and sat back down on the bed.  Why did I do that?  It was stupid.  But he was right, and I know that.  That's all I could think about.  I can only think about how there's a better person for him out there, and it's not me.  I messed up.  I wish I could take it all back.  But I can't.  And I can only blame myself.

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Ugh, I'm so sorry it's short and stubby.  I just wanted to get something up for you guys!  Um, I had an idea, but I hated it.  So I'm trying to think of something else.  I don't want to make Jenny a bigger whore than she already is, hahaha.  There's a lot of Jenny's past that's going to come up, and maybe someone else's too.  Just gotta wait to find out!

I know most of you probably hate me because Aaron and Jenny aren't together.  But I do know how I want to end this.  There won't be another book after this one.  This is the last one.  But there are a lot of chapters left, so don't be disappointed!

15 votes! :)