Matters of the Heart

A cosmic sparkle

Note: I wrote this long ago, but decided to dedicate to a special author because it reminded me a lot of the world she has created where I found my space and comfort. I hope it isn't too off the top and the gesture comes across as one of appreciation :)

He closed off any possible escape she could have, trapping her between the wall and him. It was as if everything had stilled around them in that moment. No matter how much she tried to dodge him or avoid him, he somehow found his way back to her. He was one to never give up especially if it came to her. And as if fate had taken its pity on him that day, he was allowed a loop-hole, so he could find his trajectory deflected back to her. And here they stood now, in the middle of a small room, with nothing but invisible air separating them.

He placed both his arms beside her head as he towered over her. Her heart had never been in its best shape whenever she was around him and at that time, the physical closeness did not do much to help her cause.

She avoided his eyes looking anywhere but him.

"Why can't you just say you love me, Moon?" He uttered lowering his head to make her sight meet his; she avoided his gaze nonetheless. Their noses almost brushed. his breath fanned her face and the caress of his minty exhale was like a feathery kiss lingering on her cheeks. This closeness made warm blood rush its heat all over her.

"You know you want me, then why don't you try and take me? Take me and I will be all yours. Take me, destroy me, rupture me and I will gladly let you as you please."

His words made her lift her head up to meet his stare and it was for the umpteenth time that she felt the same thing, the same goddamned sensation looking into his eyes.

She felt like a million stars had draped themselves around her in a blanket, like a black hole was swallowing her whole. She wanted nothing more than to drown in the fantasy of his eyes. She wanted nothing more than to walk in the forest of his mind, accessible only through the window of his beautiful deep dark sparkling irises.

They were pools of night. He held another world in them; a soul so very innocent and kind. They were like doe. They reminded her of the eyes of a baby deer. He always held a bewildered and curious look in them and she was the secret they would always work to uncover. Afraid they might miss out on any little detail. Afraid that this would be their only chance.

In moments like those, her breath always seemed to come to a standstill, as if the grim reaper had stolen it away for some fleeting seconds. Her soul always felt stuck in the skeleton of her body, reaching out, waiting to be rescued, whenever she gazed into his eyes.

He had always been like that. Living and breathing as if it would be his first and only life. His innocence had made her fall in love with him, Those eyes had cast spells on her. They shimmered like stars and she was equally mesmerized and bewildered to look into them. Those gleaming twinkles now gazed back at her anticipating her answer.

Words would not and could not form themselves, neither in her brain, nor in her throat.

It was ironic how she was the moon and he was the star and yet they could not be more far apart.

"I can't..." was what she managed to utter too caught up in her awe.

Not once did his eyes lose the shine in them. The way he gazed at her made her want to stop the world then and there so she could be stuck in the moment with him and he would gaze at her for forever and however long she wanted.

"I cannot want you. I cannot fathom to have you love me. Touch has always and always been a premonition of loss. I am afraid it I touch you I will lose you too. I am scared if I touch you, you will also become a fleeting memory. An evanescensce that will lose itself in the hoard of memories. If my love starts desiring you in physical glory, I will lose the essence of its purity. I will lose the fragrant touch of my feelings for you. I cannot ever have you. To want you is equating to a sin for me. You can never be mine."

"But I want to be, Moon. I want to be yours in every and any possible form I can be. Be it a memory, be it a reminiscence, be it a forgotten fragrance, or be it my entire physical existence devoted solely to you. I want to be yours. I want you to have me."

"No Jeon, the cosmos you are a part of and the cosmos that I belong to shall never let us be one. If it happens, it will destroy everything. I am fated to be tainted by this solitude. I am fated to love you with you right in front of my naked eye and me cursed to never touch you or desire to have you."

His closeness was a brutality. His caressing breaths that had been feather kisses were turning into sharp knives gorging themselves in her skin. The eyes that she loved displayed pain that caused the bones in her body to undergo a metaphorical breakage. The closeness of his body made her heart feel like it would rupture into tiny pieces and scatter its debris all around them in a bloody mess.

"Why Moon? Why are we marred with such cursed fates?" His fingers itched to touch her skin, to take her into his embrace, to synchronize his breaths to her. But the way she talked, the way her syllables dripped with the fear of loss, he was afraid his touch would only sear her untainted skin and leave behind burns of bitter anguish.

"Love in its purest essence is pain. Touch in its purest essence is the beginning of loss. The fate that you call cursed in its entirety is a responsibility that those, only charmed by true love can fulfill. Don't fret, for the pain of separation would only mean that our love has conquered all the macrocosms."

Tears glistened like diamonds in their eyes but dared not fall, as if afraid of shattering the tranquil silence around them with their barely audible yet pregnant prick. For those tears were not tears but their two pained spirits trapped in the form of salty moisture in their eyes.

His glistening pools of gleaming cosmos stared back at her as he seemed to kiss every inch of her face with his gaze alone. He leaned forward careful not to let his skin graze any part of her.

And just as his lips were a breath away from hers, he started fading... fading into a million particles of glittering dust. And she watched him blend. Blend in with the tiny particles around her. He became the particles carrying her scent, barely touching the infinites of her skin, sitting on her lashes like pearls to adorn her ethereal eyes. She watched helplessly as he turned to an ash of spell, the specks of magic dust. The only thing remaining behind was his fleeting reminiscence and the rapidly evaporating warmth signaling that his body had been there minutes ago where now the magic dust floated around Moon inching on every possible exposed layer of her skin.

And just like that she woke up from her frenzy, huffing and puffing, her heart beating wildly in her ribcage. A significant drum... drum... drum.

It had all been a dream, once again.

Once again, he had been in the reach of her fingertips. All she had to do was lift a palm and touch his searing smooth skin and mix their warmths together.

And yet again she had chosen not to.

And indeed, like her dream self, that desire to touch had become a premonition of loss as he once again dissolved into little particles spraying himself all around her but still not being in her direct reach.

She sighed in defeat, her eyes falling on the specks dancing in the ray of sunshine peeking through her drapes. The only difference was that those particles were not him.

And it dearly pained her.

Afterall, he was just that and he would remain just that... a figment of her wild cosmic imagination.