𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞 .

emotions from an emo chink LOL

tw , this is a vent / rant . by the time this chapter gets posted at 2 am i ' ll be feeling all better and have forgotten i wrote this . 

please scroll down only if you are in the right mental state to do so for i might ' ve written something that may trigger something for someone . take care of yourself and if you don ' t love yourself , God will love you for you :D

life is kinda hard . it ' s so confusing and so overwhelming and so judgmental . life is so much it ' s to the point nothing really feels real . like me . i laugh and smile and get excited and get passionate about art and my favorite shows . i feel right ? i don ' t know how to feel after i leave that moment . that moment of stomach aches because i laughed too hard , or that moment my best friend and i are just goofing off . those made me feel so nice and warm and happy and real . i ' m real right ? i wish i could be little again . not caring about anything except when my dolls hair was gonna dry because i gave her a hair salon appointment after watching my froggy stuff . not caring about anything except how my pillows should be arranged when i ' m fixing my bed . but i think i ' ve been like this since kindergarten . i remember thinking the middle finger meant you wanted to kys so i would put a blanket over my head and stick it up in front of my face . i don ' t understand anything anymore . academic validation doesn ' t feel good anymore . my friends don ' t make me feel good anymore . drawing doesn ' t make me feel good anymore . watching my siblings be stupid doesn ' t feel as nice anymore . i don ' t feel good anymore . what ' s wrong with me ? i feel so much yet don ' t feel anything at all . how does that work ? did i break ? is this what it feels like to feel nothing ? i don ' t know anymore . i want to live in a place where i can feel something . happiness or the pain from when you laugh too hard . just something . i should maybe try harder . try harder to feel better . try harder to feel . try harder . i ' ve tried so hard my whole life . tried hard for attention . tried hard to make friends . tried hard to keep everyone laughing and smiling because that ' s what being a good person is right ? i ' m a good person right ? yes i ' m probably bipolar or something , and i manipulate and use things and people to my advantage and i lie to get out of any situation because i can ' t say no but i ' m a good person right ? oh well . i don ' t care . well , i can say i don ' t but i do . how though ? how do i care when i can ' t feel anything . i ' d like to lay in bed and read my webtoon or my bible or maybe draw . i ' d like to do that . i don ' t really like interacting with people ; which is kinda self contradictory because i ' m described as out - going or super swaggy . but interacting with people takes too much effort . you have to remember not to say certain things so you don ' t offend anyone and you have to try and make a joke on the spot and make it make sense with your scatterbrain . and don ' t forget she doesn ' t like certain jokes . some people won ' t find  me funny and i know this so why does it still hurt ? i don ' t want it to . it shouldn ' t . so why does it ? i don ' t want it to hurt . i want to feel happy again . i ' m still so young they say so why doesn ' t it feel that way ? i want to take bubble baths and play with dolls or buy a peppa pig house and actually use it . i want to have shopkins on my blankets and that ugly poppy stuffed toy my mommy got me from build a bear . i want to sleep with my parents in their bed and watch the my little pony equestria girls movie . i want to call my mom mommy and my dad daddy with a smile without getting attention from boys who ' ll come hearing me call my dad daddy . i want to draw pictures for my mom and she ' d be so happy despite how crappy the quality was of it . i want my older sister to read me that tiny thumbelina book and actually good to sleep . i want to lay next to my little sister and laugh about the way santa claus laughs . i want to play cars and shopkins with my little brother . i want to watch stupid animated movies about friendship with my family as we try to pour the powder onto the popcorn . i want to wake up to my silly frozen alarm clock that sings the let it go chorus on loop until we turn it off . i want to play at the playground without having the fear someone will stare at my chest when i wear a dress . i want to watch tinkerbell and believe faries live in my backyard . i want to go back to the way things were . when did i break . when did i start feeling this way . why can ' t i feel happy . why do i feel numb . why did i hurt myself . why did i keep them with me when they hurt so much . why do the days go by so fast . why can ' t i feel at least alright ? i want my mommy and my daddy so i can dream again . can i still dream ? i don ' t think i ' ve dreamed in a while . to my mommy and daddy . i can still fantasize and dream like a kid again right ?