WALKING DISASTERS

024 | the girl who can't say no

After Peter's class ended, Charlie stood in the courtyard, watching him from afar. He was laughing with his friends when his eyes found hers. He froze, rubbed the back of his neck, but didn't approach her right away. He waited for the others to leave before walking to where Charlie had been standing the whole time, motionless.

"You wanna talk?" he asked.

"Don't you?" she said under her breath. "Or would you rather never speak to me again?"

"Stop being dramatic. I was just mad."

"You humiliated me in public."

"Yeah? And you didn't humiliate me?"

The red-hot ember in her gut surged into a flame. Count to ten, she reminded herself. Deep breaths. Calm down.

"I know what I did was wrong," she said.

"Good."

After her bathroom confessional with Quincy, she finally felt bold enough to say what she wanted to say instead of another wasted apology: "I don't think it's fair for you to hold it against me... when you've kept things from me too."

Peter crossed his arms. "Because they don't matter."

"I thought the same about the stalking."

"Just... just tell me why you lied."

"I didn't think you'd like me," she admitted. "And when you said you did... I wanted to be different. I wanted to be good for you."

"Yeah," he muttered. "I wanted to be good for you too. And now it's all making sense. Why you're so weird."

"Weird? You're the one who believes in Bigfoot."

"Listen, you wouldn't think that's weird if you researched it like I always tell you to."

"All those documentaries are fake, Peter."

"You know what? Don't try to change the subject." His pupils shrunk into small points. "Do you still have those pictures you took of me? That scrapbook you made?"

"...yes."

"Would be nice to show our future kid, huh? Oh yeah, Matthew, daddy met mommy when they were in college and she started stalking his ass—ain't that sweet?"

"...I would never let you name our child Matthew."

He laughed bitterly. "You keep saying you didn't date him, but you and Jonah would make the perfect couple, you know. Both creepy motherfuckers. Both batshit crazy."

Lilith: As if he's any better.

"And what about your actual ex, huh?" he continued. "I didn't know you liked girls."

She'd never questioned it until the relentless taunts of her classmates in sixth grade—when her newest crush showed everyone the "love note" Charlie had not-so-secretly slipped into her desk.

"I guess I'm bi," she said. At this point, it was the most minor thing she'd hidden. She'd mentioned it to Jonah when they were younger, and he hadn't batted an eye. Hadn't cared at all, though clearly he had nothing against letting Peter find out like this.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. "You really thought I was some homophobe? Why? Just 'cause I'm a Catholic?"

"Maybe it was wrong of me to judge you."

"You think? I'm not a damn homophobe, Charlie. I don't even think being gay or bi or whatever is a sin. There's a lot worse things to be in this world." He stuck his hands into the pockets of his shorts. "But now I know why you lied. You wanted me to think I was your first."

He'd overlooked everything else in the diary. Entry upon entry on how she wanted to disappear, past and present and future all blurring into one, the chronic emptiness she'd tried to forget. None of it mattered. None of it was worth a you seriously messed up, but you're not okay, and I want you to get help.

"You've had other girlfriends too, Peter," she said, already over this conversation.

"Whatever. I didn't have sex with them. Did you?"

Maybe she was on a confession streak today, but she still surprised herself by admitting, "With my ex. Yes."

"And what happened to her?"

"We broke up because I was too clingy. And then she moved back to Mexico for college."

Even though she'd dumped her, saying, "I love you, but you really need therapy," Charlie would never forget their last goodbye. The purple lipstick marks on Charlie's cheeks, an affection more friendly than romantic, but she hadn't washed her face for a week after.

"But you're still a virgin," Peter said. "It doesn't count if you were with a girl. That's different."

Charlie tilted her head at him. "That's kind of a homophobic way of thinking, but okay."

"And that's it? No one else but her?"

"No. But I understand if you want to break up."

"No," he said.

She looked up. Focused on that one strand of hair on his head that always stuck out from the rest. "...what?"

"I can't deal with this break up stuff right now. Not before the game."

It made no sense. There was no reason for him to stay after all her lies, after he called her batshit crazy. Then she saw it in his hazel eyes—he pitied her. Was it a matter of time before he dumped her? Or would he push this to the back of his mind like everything else he didn't like about her?