Nepenthe

Anagapesis

I look at the crowd once again, and I saw Jennie with a wide smile, looking at me. And I couldn't help but smile back. 

I was finally fulfilling my dreams of being able to be in this stage with this crowd in front of me. I took a deep breath, before I look back and roam my eyes staring at the crowd.

"You know who you are, I loved you. And, you're probably gonna say to give you half of what I got since you were the inspiration for this last song." I said, making the crowd laugh. 

Even those she was so far away, I could see Jennie looking at me, and glaring daggers with lasers.

-

How do you begin to distinguish love, and falling out of it? It happened with my muse. It was a one-sided love, an unrequited love. But, she became the very words of love in everything, I wrote. 

Yet, I woke up one day. And I was left staring at the screen with nothing in mind. I waited, and waited... I counted till 10, still nothing. A minutes passes by until it reached several hours. 

It hurts to realize that the warmth you used to make me feel were, gone. It felt like it was nothing but a bubble that suddenly disappeared. I felt frustrated, you were my muse in everything I had written before.

But, I felt the lightness on my shoulder, but as it weighted to nothing, it hurt. 

She was love to me, but I guess, definitions can change.

And as I stared and stared at the screen in front of me, memories of what use to be, and possibilities of what could have been but never was, slowly passed by in my eyes. She was a constant, like my heartbeat. I still remember every little thing about her, the crinkles around her eyes when she smile or the way her face lit up when I do what she loved.

At first, I thought, I only ever liked her. But, how could 6 years be nothing but like? 

It's funny because, I've always tried giving up on her. But, nothing worked, so I let the feelings bloom, and now... My own heart finally gave up on her.

And, coming to terms with the fact, that I was no longer in love with her was, hard. There wasn't a day nor did I ever seen myself not think of her as time passed by.

The answer had always been her.

I couldn't really say it out loud, but I found myself wanting to be where she was. Loving her was wrong, not in a way that people would see it wrong but more on that she'd never see me the way I saw her. But, I couldn't help but indulge myself in the pain of loving a person who could never look my way, or love me back because it was her.

It was her.

I had never regret it nor see it as a waste of energy, not even a pitiful stream of memories. Even though, loving her was a heartbreak at its peak, but that just me. And, nothing felt more like me than loving her.

I guess, this is my goodbye to my one, and only muse. 

The me that loved her—the girl who wrote love letters, poems, and songs that I never had allowed to be heard or even read by anyone. The girl who wrote songs whose reference were her smile, and the warmth that she had left in my hear, the girl who chose her over, and over again like a prayer begging to be heard—has grown up.

I couldn't write anything.

I looked at the photo of the 4 of us, mostly, I stared at her. I have memorized every little detail there was about her. Was this that realization again? Is this were it dawns upon me again? The part where the world's telling me that I do not love you, and meant it this time around?

And as I stared at the pc, at the blank document. I kept staring, and staring at that blinking cursor, at the untitled document left unreplaced in the corner. I wasn't religious, I do believe there's probably something out there over worldly, but I prayed for something, anything, a sentence or just a word about her.

Nothing came.

There was no tune in my head at the thought of you, no rhyming words, no long messages nor was there a thank you for being you, not a single world was written down.

And there were no, "God, I'm in love with her." 

"I'll be with her, even if the world shatters to pieces,"

There was only silence.

And in that silence, there was only frustration, as tears began to drop, my hands were rested on the same keyboard but I didn't have the strength to press them.

On that day, I left my greatest muse behind.

At first, I thought it was another false alarm that I have fallen out of love with her, that it was probably just another prank from the universe, and it was just like those days that I thought, I fell out of love, but as I wrote the last song, it left my hands trembling—and in that song, I came to a halt of a realization as I wrote this very sentence; I don't love her anymore.

I took a deep breath, and stared at the blinking cursor, I managed to let out a bittersweet laugh.

I don't... love you anymore.

I'm not in love with my muse, anymore.

My love is gone.

-

Should I say this was just a tinny bit personal?