Seventeen-year-old Apollo Reyes-Perez is struggling to understand two things: his identity and his best friend's suicide. But when Amory Hartmann, the new boy in town, catches his attention, he discovers that the answers to those questions may be mo...
April fiddled with her fingers as she struggled to muster up the courage to continue. She sighed, "I know why you broke up with me. I get it." Her gaze was diverted from me, staring out the window, watching our classmates walk by. " I'm not in denial anymore."
"What?" I said, shaking my head. " April, why are you doing this right now?"
Her fingers gently tapped the window. This must have been something she thought about often, given how serious she was at the moment. "It wasn't working," she said, "to be honest, I don't think it ever worked. I definitely wanted it more than you, and you were just going with the flow."
"The flow? What are you talking about?" I said, in disbelief.
Her head snapped back towards me. "What every one does to fit in!" She exclaimed. "What you do when you want to hide!"
"Hide from what?" I asked.
She stared back down at her hands and replied, "From those feelings. The ones you probably think are bad."
I sighed, "I don't—"
"I heard you two at the hospital," she interjected. "Your mom called me, and I wanted to come see you, so I did. I felt so bad that I had bailed out on you. But when I finally got there, I saw you and Levi—I mean—Amory.
He was there and he was sitting so close to you, and I just felt this white-hot anger because he got to you before me. Then I realized I was so angry because I was jealous," she shrugged.
She continued, "Jealous because he was so close to you and not the way me, or Lee, or Mei, are close to you. You let him see you when you were at your lowest. If it were any of us, we wouldn't have been allowed. You would have kicked us out before we got one foot in the door."
She scoffed. "But Amory is allowed to be this close? He's allowed to see you after a mental breakdown? He's allowed to care about you? This boy we barely know, somehow managed to get that close, when I've been trying for four years," she said.
She was holding back tears as she turned back to look at me. "It took Amory one day, what's taken me years."
"April, you don't know what you're saying," I said.
"There's more... The night of Amory's soccer game—in the parking lot—I went to look for you. I saw you two talking, but it looked like more than just talking." She was thinking about the night I almost kissed Amory.
Her voice cracked. "I was just too scared of losing you to say anything."
"Nothing happened," I assured.
"I'm not naive, Apollo. I know what it looks like when you want to make out, but that's not the point!" She scoffed. "Don't you see how much it hurts me! How messed up that is! I would rather pretend I still have a chance, stuck on some boy who's in love with someone else, than be in a happy relationship with some other guy."
She turned her attention back out the window, sighing as she saw more kids enter the parking lot.
"I'm sorry," I said. There was no point in lying to April, she knew me better than anyone else.
"You don't have to be sorry, " she murmured. "I'm sorry."
"What?" I asked. "I'm the asshole here. Why are you sorry?"
"I basically forced this relationship on you. I also forced you to come out right now," she said, wiping her tears.
I shook my head and sank my head into the wheel and said, "Stop it. That's not at all true."
She rested her head against the window. "You know, when I asked you out and you agreed, I felt like it was out of pity," she said.
"That's not—"
"Everyone hated me, and the minute I found someone who didn't, I just latched on immediately," she said. "I'm really grateful to you. I didn't think anyone would ever want to be my friend."
April had a reputation. Before I met her, I heard rumors about her. They were nasty and mean rumors, but they surfaced because of some private photos of her that had been passed around the school.
She was ostracized by the girls and preyed on by the guys. They called her 'Easy A'. From then on, she was a quiet girl who kept to herself, followed the rules, and answered only when spoken to. She didn't have many friends; actually, I don't think she had any before meeting me. I think people were too scared to be associated with her image.
I also think the rumors and the lies about herself made her overcompensate, so she acted like a total angel infront of everyone. She was much different back then than she is now. Currently, she was more herself, and unapologetically herself.
"I was a shit boyfriend and friend. Why would you be grateful for that?"
"You're a good friend. I don't think I'll ever have a friend like you again," she said. "You were a good boyfriend too. You beat up that one kid who was calling me names. He's never looked in my direction since."
"Yeah, well he was annoying. I was doing everyone a favor." I chuckled. "I'm also not proud of that. I got suspended," I said.
"Yeah, I know." She frowned. " It's just that nobody ever stood up for me, but you did, even if it meant you would be caught in the middle."
It's true that once April and I started hanging out, people started asking me gross questions about her—all sexual and personal—and I didn't take it. I think once people realized I wasn't going to let us be their punching bag, they left us alone.
"I didn't date you out of pity. I liked you," I said. "I just think—I think that's all it really was. I liked you, but I liked you as my friend more than a girlfriend."
She smiled and nodded. "Thanks. I think I needed to hear that."
We were silent for a minute before she finally sighed, breaking the silence by slapping her thigh.
"So, do you like him? Or is there someone else, because I was really just going with my gut," she said.
"I don't know. I don't even know if I like other guys; I just—I've never felt this confused." I said. "Sorry."
"You don't need to label it. You like what you like," she said. "I think it's great you're finding this part of yourself, but I think I need to let this simmer before we talk about you liking other people."
I sighed. "Well, you won't hear me say it again because he hates me. So, that closes that chapter."
"Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that."
"It's okay. It's better this way anyway," I said. "You get to actually move on and date someone who deserves you, and I don't have to go through the trouble of sorting my shit out."
"You're going to have to at some point," she said. "You can't just run away from it."
"I know."
"Also, if it wasn't clear, I'm totally supportive of you. I won't tell anyone, not even our friends," she said raising her hand, and placing the other over her heart like an oath.
"Thanks, April."
"Maybe in a different universe we're together, and maybe in that universe you actually like me." She giggled.
"There's gotta be one," I said, smiling.
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