How You Get The Girl, Kenji Kishimoto

xxvii . the room is on fire, invisible smoke

WE'RE BACK AT OMEGA POINT, and I've just finished getting cleaned up in the bathroom we girls all share. Juliette's already asleep but I wanted to stay up and read. I've had my shower and my hair's in a ponytail, my pajamas matching — a grey crop top and grey shorts. Usually I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing this around other people but I've grown more used to everyone here. I feel safer.

I grab the bathroom doorknob and turn, opening it and screaming when I see Kenji standing right in front of me. He once told me he loves scaring people. He loves surprises. I hate both.

"WHAT THE FU—"

"Please shut up!" Kenji whispers aggressively, quickly covering my mouth and grabbing my hand. His dark eyes search mine for a few seconds. "Castle's gonna beat me to shit if he finds out I'm out after curfew so kindly — shut the hell up."

I try to speak but my words come out muffled because of his stupidly amazing hand. I hate/love his hands.

Finally, he drops his hand with a sigh and I instantly smack his arm. "OW!" he squeaks like a child, rubbing the spot I hit. "What the hell?"

I point an accusing finger at him. "You know I hate being scared!" I whisper angrily.

"Well, I was gonna knock, damnit!" he says back. "But you walked out just as I was going to."

I narrow my eyes at him. "What do you even want?"

"Do you hate me?"

My face contorts into an expression of pure confusion. "Huh?" I say.

He shrugs. Folds his arms. "Do you hate me?" he repeats. "You've been ignoring me all day, acting weird and shit."

The warmth in my body travels to my cheeks and neck and I'm sure I look ridiculous. "No," I say quietly, feeling like an idiot for speaking the following words, "No, I don't hate you."

"Woah, wait — really?" he says surprisedly, his brows risen.

I glare. "Though now I'm thinking of changing my mind."

But he's unfazed. His lips rise and curl into a grin. His grin that I've seen dozens of times. "Sunshine, are you finally admitting you don't hate me?"

"Yes." I spit. "Are you deaf?"

Kenji leans forward and down, meeting my angry gaze with an even bigger smile. "No, trust me, I heard you very well."

This makes me blush even more and I shift uncomfortably. "Seriously, though, what did you want to speak to me about?"

He leans back, his smile faltering slightly. "Last night. Or, actually, really early this morning."

And I think I might tip over. Because I know exactly what he's talking about. Our kiss. We kissed and I still haven't fully processed it.

"See?" he teases. "You remember."

"I do," I say, trying to sound confident but I'm sure he can see right through me. I hate/love that. Fuck. "But I don't know what you want to discuss."

"The whole thing," he says as if it's obvious.

"There's nothing to talk about," I say coldly, walking forward and about to enter my room when his arm grabs mine and stops me. I stay staring at my door.

"There is," he replies firmly. "Florence, we kissed. Like, less than a day ago and you haven't said a word about it."

I spin around. "Because you haven't either, Kenji. And because I don't think there's anything to talk about. And don't say there is because we both know it's far too dangerous for it to progress into anything more than a kiss."

He frowns sadly. It's a sight I don't like seeing. "What? What the hell does that mean?"

I take a deep breath. "Maybe...maybe because my brother's getting closer to finding us every day. He was right above us only a few days ago, Kenji. He's never been this close before and I'm terrified. I'm terrified of him — what he'll do—"

"But you don't have to be," Kenji says assuringly, taking my hand softly. I hate that my skin starts to spark with electricity. That I don't want to ever let go. "He can't get in, Florence. Even if he did — we have cameras everywhere and we've trained for this — we've trained to fight him—"

"It's not enough," I say, gently pulling my hand away. "If he knows Juliette's here, he'll kill everyone in his path to get to her. He'll blow the place up, Kenji. It's —" I take another breath and close my eyes. Visions of my brother and I laughing around used to be rare but they're in my mind, poking at every thought and it's torture. I hate that I miss him. I open my eyes again. "It's never going to be enough."

Kenji swallows, his dark eyes becoming darker somehow. "What are you saying?"

"I—This—" I gesture between us. "It could never work. Not while he's out there."

Kenji tries to straighten himself but I can see it. He looks so close to breaking down. I didn't know I had that sort of impact on him..."So you don't want this? Us? Me?" he asks, his voice breaking.

"I do want you," I say, my voice shaking, "I want you so much it scares me." It's true. This is terrifying. I never thought I would ever find anyone after Andrew and now that I have it's the most petrifying thing I've ever experienced. I'm in a constant wave of anxiety and panic, exhaustion and stress strangling me daily. And I feel like I can't breathe. Until I see Kenji. But then I'm reminded that once my brother finds us — it's over.

And it's Andrew all over again. Only worse.

Kenji steps forward, cups my face with his big, soft hands. Searches my eyes. "He won't find us, Florence. And if he does...we'll fight back." But even he sounds unsure. "Please."

And for the first time in years I'm finding myself crying over a boy again.

I place my hands on his wrists and speak quietly, "I'm sorry, I can't do it a-again..." My voice cracks and with it my heart. "I can't go through that again. Especially not with you."

And he tortures me. Tortures me by gently pressing his lips against mine and I'm suddenly back in the music room, listening to that song by that woman and he's kissing me and I'm not worried about anything. His touch quite literally takes me somewhere else.

Until I'm forced back into reality.

I pull away, shaking my head. "No," I say. "No, you can't do that."

"Florence—"

"No, it's not—" I pull away from him, his touch and his hands and everything that's Kenji Kishimoto. "It's not fair." I whisper. "I'm sorry, I am but I can't do this again. I can't—and I want you to be safe and I'm — I'm so sorry—"

"Hey, it's okay," He puts on a smile. One that isn't anything like him. It's fake and it's not Kenji's smile and I hate that I'm the one that's caused this. "I get it. I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow?"

I stare at him for a while. I didn't want to break his heart. At least I broke mine too. So I nod stupidly, wiping my tears. "Yeah, tomorrow."

He nods once. Smiles again. And walks away with his hands in his pockets.

And I've shattered completely.

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02.10.2022

here's another update. your guys's comments are literally the sweetest and motivate me so much wtf thank you all endlessly ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹