Leviathan was never enough.
He had spent countless nights sobbing into the pillows within his cold, cold tub, gripping onto the ceramic for dear life as he wailed about just how not enough he was, grieving the loss of what he could be had he not been dragged down by the bitter poison that runs through his veins; determining his fate as Envy incarnate. He prayed to anyone who would listen to relieve him of this heavy burden that weighed down on him whenever he left the house, forced to endure the outside world. Envy burnt deep within the vessels of his heart and tore at his mind until he would collapse, begging for it to end, pleading for his suffering to cease so he could feel free of the lead within his chest for once in a millennia. He wanted to be liberated from the agony caused by his own mind so desperately that he craved it more than any meal. Would it be so horrible if he felt satisfied with himself? Would it be a worse sin for him to look at himself in the mirror and smile for once?
Envy was his destiny, and he believed it to be the worst of them all. As much as he had talked down on his brother, he was just as greedy. He wanted more. He wanted to be more than what he was. He wanted any other sin besides his own that was forced upon him. Envy was too heavy a sin for him to carry on his own, legs shaking beneath him and heart weighed down with unspoken grievances against the person he once was, and the person he had the potential to be. He was so, so tired of trying to be better than what he was because deep, deep down he knew that it would never be enough for him, no matter how differently he dressed or acted or how much he hid who he really was; a selfish man donning a cruel mask, a bitter role he was born to play.
Everyone had something that he wanted, no- something he needed. If he didn't have it, then who was he, really? What was he worth? What was any of his life worth is he could not be everyone else?
He chose to isolate himself in the depths of his own mind, left isolated from everyone who cared with heartless retorts and annoyed comments made in a state created by the heavy chains that he wore with shame, digging into his flesh and weighing him down with every resentful step he took. He knew all too well what it was like to suffer at the hands of your own cruel mind. That knowledge made way to the comfort that he felt in the suffering, and the agony that realization had brought with it.
Levi hated his sin more than anything. He was once told that his sin encompassed all the others- that they were intertwined in a way. He understood. He hated that he understood.
He wanted more and more and more and more, he was greedy and a glutton for attention, a glutton for concern and praise. One compliment was never enough, because how many did this person get? Leviathan thinks they had to have gotten more, and surely that single compliment was one made out of pity.
He would conceal himself in the blankets that held the embroidery of the beliefs that he could not be what he so desperately wished to attain that he would shut down completely, neglecting his schoolwork. He was slothful.
He was lustful in the sense that he desired a life that was not his, to have a body that was not his. This desire that led him to many nights in front of his mirror, picking himself apart until he would cover it with a blanket, eyes brimming with unshed tears and fragile body decorated with fresh marks.
And above all, he was too prideful to admit that everyone else has the same flaws that he does, that everyone else carries the same burden because he is the one who has to be always suffering, no?
But, while the other sins bore sweet fruits from their laborious efforts, Levi's did not. It left him as empty as he had started, often left alone once more to sulk in the silence of his room. He would lose what he held dear.
Whereas the other sins bore those delicious fruits, Envy would burn down the tree that allowed those fruits to blossom.
He was endlessly bitter, hostile towards anyone who asked should his sin be taking advantage of his weakened self-esteem. Questions would be answered in terse mutters and sharp glares, despite the tug in his heart, the normal Levi begging the Envy in control to leave those he cared for be, that he can hurt himself but he cannot bear to push another person away. He would claw at the mass in control, gripping into it's inky spirals and pulling with every ounce of strength that he had despite fighting this battle millions of times before, knowing all too well that it will end in him becoming further consumed by the poison.
Everything with Levi was a competition.
Despite how much he hated it, how much he sobbed after pushing everyone away because they had what he wanted, and that was not good for the man. The flames of anger that would coil within him at any given moment when someone had what was his, something that he so desperately needed that he could feel the slick scales of his sin crawl down his throat and suffocate him from the inside out. The thick coils of Envy that wrapped tighter and tighter around his lungs, tempting the organs to burst with every strangled gasp the man had dared to take.
He had to be the best, didn't they understand? Levi could barely understand it himself. He could barely think straight at every given moment, staring at everyone who was what he wasn't, every other thought laced with the thick tendrils of jealousy that warped his mind and constricted, pulling tighter and tighter until he either locked himself away again or allowed those coils of wrath to burst, destroying everything in sight. Burning the tree to the ground.
And so he locked himself away. The outside world a mere illusion as he consumed mindless entertainment, feeling as though he'd been allowed to sink into a warm bath after trudging through the arctic for centuries the second the screen flicks to life. He could breathe, the Envy within him satiated for once; a tamed beast put to rest.
He didn't have to compete here. He could be a hero, he could be everything that he wanted to be. He could be strong, caring, determined, confident, anything he could ever dream of being. He was effortlessly handsome, his skin flawless for once as he no longer would have to pick at it in an anxious fit, the scars of countless years of picking and picking and tearing at the delicate skin erased and with them, the memories of those long and dreary nights. He was strong, he could protect his brothers just as they had protected him. He could speak his mind and he could protect those he loved. In his fantasies, Leviathan would not be pushed off to the sidelines, trembling and scrambling to come up with some semblance of a thought, some stammers that resembled half a sentence.
After such events, he would race back to his room, throwing his headphones over his head and curling up on the frigid tile floor, sobbing into his unwashed hoodie- his only solace when he leaves his room- as he grasps for any coherent thought in his jealousy-induced panic. His insecurities, bred by his sin that festered deep within his soul, swimming in his mind, burning holes into the truths about him. Those same truths, uttered during quiet nights with his brothers or texted to him by his best friend in the early hours of the morning, were useless to him. For what good is truth when they are shrouded by the lies of your own sin?
He hated his envious nature. Despised how horrible he would feel glaring at people who did nothing wrong to him, their only crime being different than he was, being somehow better than him.
Punishable by absolute isolation and complete silence on his end for days at a time.
Levi knew he was practically throwing tantrums, but he couldn't control it. He wanted so much, he needed so much that he could not have; fleeting moments that would fly past his fingertips the second he reached out for them, fading into the wind as they carried them far, far away from the boy. Leaving him alone in the abyss of jealousy, surrounded by the fires that would forever burn away at his heart and keep his dreams locked deep within.
For the first time in his life, Levi felt as though he was drowning. Sinking further and further into the void of his insecurities and fears, each and every spark of Envy dragging him further down, a serpents tail wrapped around his ankle as it pulled, pulled, pulled him into depths that he had not been made aware of. Depths that were leagues deeper than he had ever dared to explored. What day will be his breaking point? What minor flaw will be enough to shatter the illusion that he was okay, that he could handle it? When would he be enough? Would he meet his own standards? How much of himself will he have to tear at until there was nothing left but what he saw as utter perfection? Will his sin allow him the brief respite should he meet that standard, or what he stuck in an endless loop of crazed jealousy?
He wanted to scream, to kick, to wail until someone turned to him and told him that he was enough.
Though, Levi thinks, would I truly believe them if they told me?
And thus was his sin, perpetually satisfied in perpetual dissatisfaction.
