Ambiguous and bereavement(Fruk)

10 (final)

My eyes widened, realizing everything that had happened this week. "It was me...all of it...I gave myself that package...I...I have been doing this to myself," I cried. "You need to let me go," Francis spoke. "I can't..."

"You have to..."

"Please...I am not ready..." I began to cry more and more and hide my face in my hands. "NO! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS!" I yelled. He tried to grab me, but I began to fling my arms around. "GET AWAY FROM ME!" I yelled.

"No! You need to snap out of it!" Francis yelled at me. I burst into tears as I thought about everything. Was I grieving this whole time? Was I hallucinating everything? No one said anything to me, and I believed that Francis was still alive.

Deep down...I was not ready to move on.

I began screaming as loud as possible and threw my arms around again.

"Calm down!"

"GET AWAY!"

"ARTHUR! CALM DOWN!"

I felt his arms grab me, and soon I was being shaken. My eyes widened, and I watched as Alfred stood before me. Francis was gone, and everything around me was different. My home was a mess, the lights were dim, and everyone stared at me, horrified.

"Alfred?" I cried. I immediately grabbed him and held onto him for dear life. "What's happened?" I asked. I pulled away from him, and he looked at me worried. "Arthur, are you okay?" He asked. Yao came beside me and began to put a hand on my forehead. "Shit, he is burning up! We need to take him to the hospital," he spoke. Feli and Kiku quickly lifted me, and I began to feel lightheaded. "Shit! he is going into shock! We have to go now-"

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"He is going to be okay...he just needs a good therapist and some rehabilitation..."

"How come you did not say anything sooner!"

"Sorry! We thought it was manageable but did not realize how bad he got!"

I began to open my eyes slowly, and it was like everyone I knew was standing in the hospital room. "Oh, thank goodness! Arthur, you passed out from a panic attack. Can you tell me what you remember?" The doctor asked. He began to check my eyes, and everyone watched nervously. I began to think about it, and I felt horrified again.

"Hey, it's okay; we are just worried," Lucile spoke.

"Well...I was...with...Francis..."

"And how long have these hallucinations been going on?" The doctor asked. I held my head sadly and began to cry again. "I am not sure..."

"God... How could this have happened? Why?" I asked. The doctor looked at me nervously and smiled.

"This may be hard to understand right now, but your grief spiked to unmeasurable levels during the week you spent off. Usually, people who go through grief have five stages. The night that you were hit in the head allowed your brain to use a trauma response to erase the bad stuff essentially. That is why you did not remember the case you took on and...the death of Francis."

"Well, the trauma response, mixed with the grief, caused you to develop two types of grieving methods: Ambiguous grief and Bereavement Hallucinations." He spoke. I looked at everyone, confused, and shook my head. "What?" I asked.

"Well, the ambiguous grief was why you brought up the case again; you were searching for answers that were not there. However, you were having hallucinations before this, and Bereavement Hallucinations usually occur in older patients and people who have been with someone for a long time. It is rare for younger people to have it, but it is usually because of a strong connection."

This did not help me at all.

"What am I supposed to do now? Will I still have the hallucination?" I asked, hopeful. I wanted to see Francis again. "I am not sure, but we are going to have to put you on medication; you can't live alone, and you have to quit working and go to therapy," He explained. My eyes widened, and I felt shocked. My whole life was coming to a stop, and I didn't know what else to do but close my eyes and cry. "Don't worry, Doc! We will take care of him!" Alfred spoke. He pulled Matthew beside him, and he looked at me nervously.

"Okay then, I will give you all time to be alone; I will come back and check on you later," The doctor smiled at me. I nodded at him, and he left. "Arthur, take all the time you need; we will go back to your place and gather the things you need," Lucile smiled and pointed to Kiku, Feli, and Yao. When they left, Matthew and Alfred sat in front of me.

"I am sorry."

"Don't be...you've been through a lot, and none of it is your fault...well, besides the bruise on Matthew!" Alfred laughed. My eyes widened, and I looked at him, confused. "What?" I asked. "Well, the other night, I came by. You texted me that you needed help, so I came, and when I did, the lights were off, and you ran away from me. I tried to calm you down, but you kicked and punched me hard. Then...you kept calling me Francis...so I took you to bed."

A sudden memory hit me...I could now remember situations with both Francis and Matthew. "I didn't have the heart to tell you that I was not him..." He explained. "Oh my! I am so sorry!" I spoke. Matthew began to laugh and shook his head. "Do not worry about that! All is well," he smiled. They both pulled me into a group hug, and I began to cry again.

They continued to hold me, but I still felt so much sadness.

I was not ready then, and I am not ready now.

I will never be ready to let him go.

I breathed out deeply and heard a sudden "Hey," I looked up and saw Francis standing there with that stupid smile on his face. He gave me a thumbs-up and smiled. However, it was too much for me. I shut my eyes saddened, and began to sob. "It's okay," Matthew whispered.

I looked back, and this time he was gone.

Gone forever...