Broken Heart Syndrome

Chapter 22

Chapter 22
Broken

I weakly stood in front of Gulf's door, cheeks still filled with unwiped tears and nose still red from my heavy crying earlier.

I cleared my throat and raised my hand to knock. I'm not even sure if he's here. Our living room was still empty so I'm not sure if he was home now, but here I am, hoping. Because I really need him right now. I know we fought and I haven't apologized, but... can we... can we set it aside first? I really need him.

But a few knocks later and the door still didn't open. I sighed heavily and decided to text him. I wonder where did he go, and when is he coming home?

Me:
Where are you? What time are you going home?

I then went to my room to take a shower, hoping that the cold water running through my body will somehow erase the pain I am feeling now. I thought I'll feel a little better once I take a shower, but I am now in my bed all clean, but it still felt like something heavy was weighing me down.

My phone beeped all of a sudden. It was a reply from Gulf.

Gulf Kanawut:
i don't think I'll be coming home tonight. don't wait up

A tear unconsciously fell on my cheek again, the coldness in his voice still coming through even though it was a text message. He is really mad at me, then? Well, that's my fault as well since I haven't apologized.

But... is he not coming home because he didn't want to see me? Because he's mad at me? He wasn't like this before. But then again, I was harsh to him and I understand if he wanted a little bit of space away from me. I can understand. I just thought... I just thought I can spend some time with him. I just really miss my best friend right now.

I just really need someone right now.

My phone vibrated again. It was another text from Gulf.

Gulf Kanawut:
why? are you okay

His text made me chuckle a little. At least, even though he was mad, I knew he still cared for me. 

But if he thinks he needs space from me, then again, I can understand. He has been patient with me all this time. He has been with me all this time that he deserves to choose himself for once. I can't be selfish, right? I shouldn't be selfish.

I need him but if he needs to be away first, it's okay. 

Me:
Yes. I was just curious. Sorry, I'll lock the door then. Take care.

I locked my phone and put it on my bedside table. I wiped the new batch of tears that fell into my cheeks. I don't even know why I'm crying like this. As someone who grew up being alone, I should be used to this. I should be used to facing my problems alone. I should be used to crying alone. I should be used to being alone.

It shouldn't hurt like this. My heart shouldn't be breaking like this. No.

But the heart doesn't really listen to us, right? No matter how much we tell it to stop hurting, it won't. It will keep hurting. It will keep tightening to make you feel how much it hurts. It's like the heart is punishing your body for choosing things that hurt it. And no matter how much time passes by, it will constrict every now and then as a reminder of the things that hurt you. 

"What is this?" Dr. Miles asked while looking at my notes.

It was shit. I didn't need to sugarcoat it for myself. My head hurts so bad and I feel like vomiting, so I couldn't really focus on anything right now, which was also why my notes were shit. It was short and it missed a lot of things.