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i have been birthed into feminine tragedy. i love women but not the ones often call family. and i wonder, does that make me an imposter hiding in my own mind? am i one step too close to betrayal of my own kind? because i see it in the way my grandmother never smiled at me, the same way my mother never laughed along to one of my jokes, and in the way i don't know who i can rely on anymore.
i'm bitter because i've been left behind. i'm bitter because no woman i thought my own ever called me 'mine'. and i am bitter because i'm the villain always hovering the corner in plain sight. i'm the villain because i tend to be shy and quiet, too anxious to speak. i'm the villain because i was born at a time when there was no need for me. i'm the villain because my body is speckled with things that hurt, and my clothes hang loose on these collarbones i've bruised. i'm the villain because i have nothing left to prove.
exhaustion creeps up at my neck, i can't deal with love that was never there. i can't sit here and write poetries about the colours that fill the sky when the moment i look up, there are tears in my eyes.
i'm a nobody disguising as a painter, wondering how i'm not deeply ashamed yet. because i should be. because i'm hysterical when i think about shedding a tear in front of someone else, perhaps telling them of all the sleepless nights i've had, and i'm hysterical when the stretch marks on my waist don't bother me- but my mother loathes them enough for the two of us.
i'm hysterical when i have to be around people i still love, i'm hysterical a million times when i don't find warm clothes to wear when winter arrives. but sometimes, i think i should let myself hurt and cry. let my skin hold onto the gore of my existence. the fairytales end and the rusting in my necklace begins.
because i've been birthed into feminine tragedy. i'm a villain, an unheard calamity, i'm a hysterical painter that never knew a teenage fever dream. i should've been scared when my childhood turned into an impaled dream. i grew up to be a feminine tragedy.
- a/n: it's been so long since i've posted on wattpad lol, this is from the pov of a main character i imagined, ayla ezhri, a painter lost in a world of magic and mayhem.
