Tainted Love || l.s. ✓

Chapter 25

Harry had remained in silence for the journey back, clutching onto Zayn's arm and staring out of the window.

As they had entered the house Zayn had tried to find out what was wrong, however all he managed to discover was that Harry had done coke, and then Louis had found him upset.

Zayn had left Harry in his own bed, yet not even ten minutes later, Harry had crawled into Zayn's and cuddled up close.

The next day Harry awoke feeling completely and utterly shit. Last night was a blur, but there were moments that he couldn't tell if they were a part of his imagination or not.

Harry slipped out of the bed, moving to the bathroom and taking a look at himself in the mirror. Jesus Christ, he needed a shower. And oh, okay, he hadn't made up the part about... that. He thumbed at the maroon marks that had bloomed across his neck. At least they were pretty.

He undressed, climbing into the shower. The water rushed over him, and Harry closed his eyes. The sting of his wrists brought him back to the moment, his heart pounding and a gasp spilling from his lips. Shit. Shit. Shit!

He couldn't be 100% sure, but the memories of last night came flooding back- him sat in the bath with Louis, his breakdown, and him possibly maybe revealing to Louis that he may or may not cut himself occasionally.

He stopped the shower, jumping out as quickly as possible and heading straight to his room. He got dressed, walking past Zayn who had just emerged from his room, looking sleepy.

"Where are you going?" Zayn frowned.

"I need to see Louis. I need to know what happened last night. Is Niall there?"

"Um, no. I don't think so. I think he slept over at Liam's. Closer and all that."

"Okay. Um, I'll be back later. Bye."

"Love you H."

"Love you." Harry gave Zayn a quick cuddle, squeezing him tightly.

//

Harry knocked at the front door rapidly, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

He got no answer, and so he knocked again. The longer the reply took, the more the anxiety bubbled up inside of him. Louis needed to answer the fucking door.

"Hold on, I'm coming!" Louis's voice rang out, and soon enough the front door opened.

Harry pushed past Louis, beginning to pace back and forth.

"Harry?" Louis looked a little shocked to see Harry in his apartment so early.

Harry stopped for a minute, taking in Louis's appearance. He was shirtless, and his plaid trousers were tied low around his waist- his v line and his abs very much on display.

Harry forgot his problems for just a second, eyes trailing up and over his collarbones, and then over the flourishing marks on his neck.

Louis had definitely just rolled out of bed, his hair was sticking up everywhere, and his eyes were sleepy.

"Are you, um, are you alright? Feeling any better?" Louis asked, gesturing for Harry to sit down.

Harry didn't, instead standing with his eyes flitting around the room.

"Niall's not here." Louis said.

"I'm not here to see Niall. Jesus, I-"

"Sit down." Louis said, pointing to the sofa. "Sit down and I'll grab you a cuppa."

"I don't want a cuppa. I need to talk to you. About yesterday." Harry rung his hands out, finally sitting down.

"Okay." Louis nodded. "Alright, let me just grab a top and we'll talk."

"Hurry up, please." Harry was going mad here.

Louis nodded again, rushing off and quickly returning less half naked- which would've been a shame if Harry was in a better state of mind.

"Right, okay. Talk."

"I obviously remember this," Harry pointed to his neck, "that's fine. That's not what I'm here for."

Louis looked at him, silently urging him to go on, though it seemed he already knew what Harry wanted to talk about, and that filled Harry with dread.

"Last night...did I like, did I tell you about my..." Harry trailed off. He didn't want to say it. He didn't want to admit it. What if Louis didn't know? He couldn't say it.

"Your self harm?" Louis said softly, and god. Louis speaking to him in that tone made his stomach turn. It was so gentle and Harry just wanted to curl up in Louis's arms and cry.

Harry swallowed the lump in his throat, looking away as his eyes filled with tears. He nodded, curling in on himself.

"I-I didn't know if I'd told you or if I'd made it all up and I-I was hoping to god I hadn't told you." Harry stammered. "You have to forget."

"Harry, it's okay." Louis said. "It's alright, yeah?"

"How's this okay?" Harry looked to him. "How the fuck is this okay? You, you of all people know about my fucking issues-"

"I'm not going to go round telling everyone." Louis frowned.

"I hate you, I hate you, and you hate me. We fucking bite eachother's heads off. You're a fucking prick to me and I'm a prick to you. You can't know this."

"Look, maybe we should ease off on this rivalry." Louis suggested, but Harry shook his head.

"I don't want you treating me different just because I'm- because I, just don't start acting differently around me. It's embarrassing. I want to forget that you know."

"I'm not going to purposely be a dickhead and make it worse for you." Louis said firmly.

"I don't want your pity, Jesus. Don't you get it?" Harry rubbed a hand over his face. Tears started to spill, and he tried desperately to stop them. "I don't want your pity. I don't want you to know. I don't want shit to change because I was stupid enough to tell you about, about this!" He gestured to his arms. "Fuck, I'm so fucking stupid. You have to forget Louis, you have to forget!"

"Harry-"

"No, you have to forget, you have to! You have to!" Harry repeated. His breaths were getting shorter and shallower, and he seemed to be growing increasingly panicked.

"Harry, Harry, stop. Harry, love, it's okay. It's okay. You're gonna give yourself a panic attack if you don't calm down." Louis reached his hand out slowly and Harry flinched back.

It was worse than yesterday. He was sober this time. He was very much sober and very much aware that Louis- Louis of all people- was sat next to him, trying to stop him from having a panic attack.

He stood up without thinking, heading to the bathroom and shutting himself in. At least he wouldn't feel quite so idiotic if he was hidden from sight.