Tainted Love || l.s. ✓

Chapter 42

Gemma had just left for lunch with her friends, and so now was the perfect time for Harry to talk to his mum.

Except for the fact that he felt as though he were about to throw up at the mere thought of telling his mum that he cut himself.

He traipsed shakily down the stairs, hovering in the doorway where his mum was making two cups of tea.

"Ah, there you are. I was just making us tea. Do you know what time you're setting off yet?"

Harry shook his head, taking a small breath. "I'm not sure yet."

"Are you okay love?" She frowned, taking a step towards him. "You look a bit, well, faint."

"Can I talk to you?" His voice came out quiet.

"Yes of course." She nodded, "come on, let's go to the living room." She picked up the cups, ushering Harry into the lounge.

Harry curled up in the corner of the sofa, Anne sitting next to him but giving him enough space. She looked at him patiently and Harry took another sharp intake of breath.

"Take your time sweetheart." She told him kindly, and Harry's heart clenched.

"I don't, I- this is really hard to say." He stammered, "like only one person knows and I don't want you to see me as someone else and I don't want you to be disappointed in me-"

"Harry, whatever it is you're still my baby boy. You can tell me whatever it is you need to and I'll listen and support you."

"I, fuck-" he ran his hands over his face before apologising. "Sorry, I didn't mean to swear, I'm just, I'm scared."

"It's okay my love, it's okay."

"Okay, I, like, I've struggled with um, like- okay, um. I hurt myself. Like I, self harm." He finally got his words out, and his breath felt like it had been sucked from his body. Tears filled his eyes as he looked away. He was going to be sick.

As he looked back he noticed how his mum's eyes immediately softened even more (if that was possible) and she reached out her arm, bringing him into her side.

"Oh darling, oh my love. It's okay. You're going to be okay." She immediately attempted to soothe him with her words. "How long have you struggled with this?"

"I don't know," he choked out, "a few years? I don't know. I don't know mum. It's gotten worse though. Over the past two years. Well, over the past year especially. Like, I can't cope without doing it. I don't know what to do." His tucked his bottom lip between his teeth, looking away again.

"Have you got someone to talk to about this when you're at uni?" She asked, worry evident in her voice though she tried to hide it a little for Harry's sake. The last thing she wanted was for Harry to feel guilty.

"I, Louis. I accidentally told him when I was drunk. We-we're friends now, he, he's really good about it, he like, he's seen them a couple of times too but he's never made me feel bad but I don't want him to feel pressured by knowing it?" Harry rambled, his voice rising at the end and making it seem almost as though he were posing a question. "But I don't want to show you mum, like, it's not nice. I-I look pathetic and it's ugly and I don't want you to have to see that, please don't ask me to see it-"

"Hey, hey. Sweetheart." Anne's voice was soft, yet firm. Harry was beginning to babble, and she was scared by how wide his eyes were getting. "Baby, I'm not going to make you show me. Don't worry Harry. If you don't want me to see, I won't. It's your body, and if you want to keep it private you have every right to do so. But love, this isn't pathetic. Nor does it make you ugly. You're in a lot of pain, and you've found yourself a way of coping. It's not healthy, but it doesn't place you on less of a pedestal than those who have healthy coping mechanisms. Everybody is different-"

"But I shouldn't cut myself to cope, I don't have any healthy coping mechanisms, I'm destroying myself and I hardly can find it in me to care." He buried himself into his mum's arms. Now that he'd opened his mouth, he seemed unable to stop.

"We'll get through this together darling. I promise, I'll be by your side. I know I can't be with you physically the whole time, but if you need me I'm one phone call, or one text away. I can even drive down if you need me to. But we'll get through this, yeah?"

Harry nodded, pursing his lips together as tears spilled. Though he suddenly seemed to contradict himself within his head. "I-I don't want to get through this." He shook his head from side to side, "I can't get through this mum. It's like, I hate everything about it but I, it's addictive."

"Harry," she cradled his head, murmuring into his hair, "I know this seems like the best option right now but it's not going to help. You're going to keep spiralling. You'll feel better for a little bit, but then you'll feel worse again. Trying to get clean is the best thing you can do."

"I tried before and it was hell and I couldn't do it."

"But you were on your own then. You have me and Louis now. We'll be there for you darling."

Harry just curled up, letting out a small sob. He let his mum hold him, just crying in her arms.

"You'll be okay." She told him over and over, and Harry allowed the words to wash over him, though he hardly absorbed them. "Thank you for telling me. I know that was incredibly difficult for you, but I'm glad you did."

Harry hummed with a small nod. He had gone a little distant now.

"Honey, when you're ready to go I'll drive you back to uni."

"You can't do that." Harry shook his head, his voice barely a murmur.

"Of course I can." Anne tutted.

"Mum that's like 5 hours." He protested meekly.

"It's okay. I'll drive you. I don't want you getting the train today. Plus, it'll be nice to spend a little more time with you."

"But mum-"

"I'm taking you back H." She confirmed.