Lechuza | L. Vikander ✔

~•0.5•~

~•~

Dear Barbara,

Even I don't know why I chose to write to you of all people. Starting this letter with Dear also seems no less than hypocrisy, doesn't it? But perhaps I will never send this letter and it will remain in my drawer for eternity.

And with that fact in mind, I might end up pouring my heart out here and not hold myself back.

I admit that clawing at your back in order to get you out of my way that night had been a little too petty. But if only you knew the extremes I could go to, you would realize how easily I had let you off.

I don't know why and when did I start considering you as a rival and that in itself is preposterous because there is no solid reason I could think of to associate to that feeling of caution I felt from you. I didn't know whether it was because you were pretty enough to capture Richard's attention or the fact that you were devoted enough to stay beside him even after all he had been through.

It made me jealous, I admit, it made me seethe at the prospect of another woman holding that much importance in his heart.

I have always been very possessive of the things I am fond of and Richard just happened to be the person I valued most. Seeing him pay attention to you, love you and care for you ended up making me feel envious of you.

Which I must admit once again is very ridiculous because the love you and Richard have for each other is very different from what I felt towards him. I wanted to look out for him and keep him safe because I saw my own reflection in him. That did not in any case mean that I wanted to keep him under my control and entrap him in a web from which there would be no escape.

But I craved to hold that place in his heart that he had reserved for me earlier. Granted that I screwed up most of our relationship by making him think I was controlling the Court in order to keep using him as my weapon, the wedges driven between us still hurt.

That night he had thrown a dagger straight at me and for a second, I was scared. My father had been murdered in a similar way and thinking that Richard might be the one to bring about my end had frozen my blood in my veins.

It made me realize that the extents of hatred I had pushed him towards were irrevocable. And I will never be able to regain his trust, no matter how hard I tried.

Whether or not he will be the person to bring about my demise is still unclear to me as of yet but I want him to take down the Court of Owls as he's the only person who can do it. So to keep pushing him against the Court, I had to make him hate me and everything else associated with me.

I knew he thought I was responsible for Timothy's suicide and that had made him lash out at me. The only other person who could get such a reaction out of him if hurt was you, Barbara.

So even if I like to believe that there is nothing personal I have against you, I simply had to hurt you to get a reaction out of Richard.

That night I had messed up a lot but I knew the stakes of each decision I took. You will think it strange but there is not a single act of mine that I've done without thought.

Every move I make is akin to a move on a chessboard. It has its consequences and each move has a price to pay that I'm willing to endure if the end turns out the way I want it to.

I'm sure you must have come to realize by now that being in love with a person like Richard has its own prices to pay. Just like some people aren't meant to be saved, others aren't meant to be loved.

Especially people like me and Richard who end up becoming a parasite to their loved ones, latching upon them and sucking them dry of every drop of compassion and yearning.

He might not have any foul intentions toward you but he can not escape fate. He's fated to cause pain to you and the sooner you distance yourself from him, the better it would be for you.

But then perhaps you would think I'm giving you this advice with the wrong intentions. Perhaps I'm luring you away from him for some twisted goal of my own.

Think whatever you want, in the end you'll realize that my warning held merit.

Perhaps if Richard had never met me he wouldn't be the person he is today. Perhaps I am the one to blame for him turning out to be exactly like my own self.

But in love and war, everything is fair. And in my war, I needed a weapon as strong as him so I did all I could to keep him on my side.

He has been my knight although he's the king of my chessboard, a piece that is most essential to win the game. And he will keep serving both roles until the game draws to a close.

Everything I did, every move I made was aiming for the final checkmate.

My words would hardly make any sense right now but that's alright, it's not like I will actually be sending this letter to you. Perhaps you will never get to read this and trust me it would be better that way.

But if by chance you discover this letter, then burn it up before Richard gets to read it. I've known him long enough to guess how he will react and I don't want to provoke him directly against me.

He has already gone too far in his hatred that any step further would end up making him angered beyond measure.

And both you and I are well aware of the destruction he can cause when pushed to the extents of his anger.

The choice from then onwards is in your hands.

𝐿𝒶𝓋𝒾𝓃𝒶 𝒱𝒾𝓀𝒶𝓃𝒹𝑒𝓇

~•~