Orquidea

Prologue

Well, we're all gonna die,and I don't mean the death of our bodies,nor the silent death of a soul,what I mean is,the death in which we cease to exist for no one remembers our ashes nor our pain.Immortal are only the writers and poems who turn their soul and body into ink,the ones who decide to spend their tears and fret their minds writing,for it is the only way to achieve eternity.
I suppose that is what most dream of.But at long last all books will turn to dust and we will be forgotten no matter our effort.
So,tell me one last time,star child,what is it like to burn?

My heart aches for the words that get stuck in my throat and never get to be thrown up on paper.I cannot breathe for my words have died unspoken,untold.How is it you can speak such nonsense so easily,and yet I struggle to mumble a truth so painful I am ashamed to be the only one who remembers.
The only one who remembers how I have burnt.

For something to be given the title of "Memory",it has to leave an imprint on the mind it's implanted in.To "remember" can often be torture,for to recall a memory,is allowing the pain back inside,to force the blood to re-enter the wound.But the very existence of memory is also proof of how it's in the human nature to forget.That is why humans forget how they have burned and burned,while bitten by the harsh cold.But you remember.You remember and remember.You remember your blood passing you by,and yet you still survived.It was not a joy,for to still be alive was to burn and freeze.

But memory has allowed you to survive.You may loathe it so.You may beat your mind over it.But memory is still the reason you're alive.If it isn't for the knowledge you'll get up again,what would lift you up after you fall face first?You have lifted yourself up,no one else has,that is a memory.You do remember you have saved yourself.But you also put yourself in those places.Because you remember.You have tied the rope and got the chair,yet the memory of how you're alive has made you go back.Because you are alive,you were alive and you will be alive.Life will go on wheater you want to or not.You can cry about the past,but you'll forget it after something new happens.
So stop laying there,stop indulging into self pity,and forget.
Go on and forget,star child.

But how can I forget which has ruined me?I was raised in ruin and I have ruined it further.To ruin and be ruined are in my blood, I don't deserve anyone or anything nice for I will break it.I was cursed from birth to be a creation of ruin,and with that I was also fated for loneliness and hatred.The loneliness is mine,but the hatred isn't.

My mother hated me.I forgive her,I do not share her hatred.

My father hated me.I forgive him,for he is not to blame.

And so I am made of loneliness.
You may ask,but hatred never turned my blood black.Not even my own self hatred did.So what did?Nor can I answer that.I don't know where my heart went either.Perhaps even my own heart hated me so.

But life does go by easier without a heart.For the heart would only know the cuts and bruises left behind and hate.Hate and hate all which has ruined me.If I did have a heart,I would be justifingly hated,for I'd hate back.

Of course,there are "kind" souls which pull me left and right to fix me.They're foolish enough to think if they slit my arms and take all the black blood out,they'll purify me.They don't know I am made of black blood and sin.And so when they can't add another saved soul to their list,they leave me emptied out on the floor,and not even my own blood wants to get back in.So I sit and sit until another human being decides to spill more black blood into me.I guess I am a dumpster for their sins and hatred.I loathe that.But it is what has allowed me to survive.But is surviving really worth it if I'm not living?Wheater I die now or in a hundred years,I am still made of sin.

But is sin a curse?

God has killed many.Innocent or,how human beings decided to call it,not innocent,they have been killed by His Hand.
Maybe the young souls which He has killed went against His plans for them in the future,and they'd do something unforgiveable,so God has rid them off this Earth.But criminals also have killed many.Perhaps God wanted to see how His own creation can destroy one another,or perhaps He uses them as vessels to kill more than one soul in one go.But crime is a sin,isn't that what they say?But God has planned our destinies,and criminals have followed God's plans,so wouldn't they go to the so called Heaven?
So what if you're made of sin?Live until God decides you've done enough,star child.

You can't run from sin.Humans are sinful,so are you,but you are not human.There is a line drawn by so called human beings between human and devil.Humans run away from punishment and consequences,devils aren't given the luxury of forgiveness.Devils are punished for existing and every little move is a sin.They cannot run for they are the ones to bear the consequence of living.

Human beings are far crueler than they want to admit.Human beings are incapable of finding holes in their theories for they believe they are far greater.They are given the right of existing with no consequences and therefore they scream the nonsense they call intelligence.But they don't second think.And will punish you for doubting them.Humans are prideful.Devils are right.

But who listens to demons and devils?

Demons are the most truthful of the living,but they are also so truthful because they have been exiled by God,therefore are a disgrace and unworthy,but,they take the form of humans and so they are unaware of the bruise of pride they carry.To be exiled by God and to be degraded to a human,it must be a pride to make God Himself fear you,so I will write,for it's the only way to explain my existence and pain.

I've gotten used to it,but it did not hurt less.
I've given up on reaching out because my cries of help landed on deaf ears,so I have stopped the fire myself,but with it I also took out my own fire which kept me alive and I was also the one to rekindle it.Because I will not die burning without burning the world down with me.I will not go without revenge.I was nice and peaceful for so many harsh and cold years.I will take this hell down with me.

For this is the blade which has cut me an endless amount of times and I refuse to have my last drop of blood dry on it.

For this is the knife which has dissected me and I refuse to fall apart to it.

For this is the storm which has frozen me and I refuse to lose the fire inside of me to it.

I have learned from it how to stab,how to find the holes and tear apart others life theories and to be cold.

But I will still remain nice and gentle.It will take some time to know when I am treated that way, if I'll ever be,but I will not take revenge on others until I'm convinced this Earth is worth taking down with me.I still value myself because no one else did and I accept all the scars and dark thoughts I have because it is proof of existence.My existence.I will not go unnoticed,if I am meant to burn out early I'll burn everything with me.I am tired of being nice for it is fruitless,but it is not an excuse to be a nuisance for no reason,I will swallow down all this rage until I will be able to afford matches and a lighter.
And maybe I will get back in your arms alive before I do so.