wm/eo daughter one-shots

cause 15 is not a pretty number (eo)

Another vent post for you because my life is fucking amazing atm innit. Trigger warning for self harm, depression, suicidal thoughts, intense intrusive thoughts, and mentions of past attempts. Stay safe everyone, love you all!!

Riley is 15

~~~

You would really think with all the therapy I'm having and all the people who I'm seeing, I would be getting better?

But if anything, I'm getting worse. So much worse.

So many others have it so much worse than me. I have a family who loves me, friends who love me. What is there in my life to be sad about?

Everyone goes on and on about being a teenager. Every adult says they wish they could relive their teenage life, and every child wants to grow up and do whatever shit the 'big kids' do. Me? I would do anything to be a child again. Fucking anything.

Being a teenager is shit. Yes I have some occasional good party moments and go and do stupid shit. But most of my teenage life has so far been spent in hospitals and psych ward beds.

Everyone is telling me this will all end, but I really don't see an end. I can't even picture my future anymore... If someone was to ask me where I think I'd be in 5 year time I would have to say 'I don't know,' because the only place I can imagine myself is dead.

How can I continue like this? How can I fucking get through this if I'm getting the supposed top help, and I still feel like this?

"Riley? Can I come in baby?" I hear my Mom knock lightly on my door.

I havnt moved from my bed all day. I can't. I can't bring myself to live anymore. What's the point?

"Come in." I reply emotionlessly, keeping my eyes locked on my chest of draws.

I hear the door open and then feel the bed dip as Mama sits down.

"How you feeling, baby?" She asks, brushing a piece of hair out of my face.

"Like I wanna die." I respond. There's no point in lying anymore. What's the point?

I feel awful that I'm tying down my Mom and Dad's life. Mom hasn't worked in months because of me, and Dad hasn't had the energy to even play music anymore. All because of me.

I can hear Mom's breath hitch slightly. "Is there anything you want me to do, hon?" She asks, softly.

I continue to stare blankly ahead of me. "Let me die."

That's all I want to do anymore. I don't want to go out. I don't want to get better. I just want to die.

"You know I can't let that happen, sweetheart..." I can practically hear the tears in my Mom's voice, making me feel so guilty.

"Mommy I hate it... I hate being here..." I admit to her, tearing up. "I can't do it anymore... I'm sorry..."

Before I can move to sit up, I feel Mama pull me into her arms, as I start sobbing loudly into her chest.

"I want this to be over!" I sob, clutching onto Mama's shirt as she holds me close. "I want to go!"

"This will be over eventually, baby. I promise you!" She pleads, rubbing my back soothingly.

"I can't wait that long..." I whisper, my mind only being full of the one thing I wanna do.

"Yes you can. You are Riley Olsen, and you are the strongest girl I know. You CAN do this baby. I promise you, you can. I'm here for you every step off the way. We all are. I know at the moment you can't see a way out, but there is one. There is always a way out, and yours is out there too. You just need to find it, and once you find it, you hold on and don't let go. The therapy will start to help, along with everything else and things will start to look up. I know it doesn't seem like that way at the moment, but you can't go yet baby, there are people who are still here that are waiting for you." Mom tells me, wiping away her own tears. "And I love you so much... I can't loose you. I won't loose you Riley. I will carry you through this."

Mama's words make my cry even harder. What did I do to deserve a Mama as good as her?

Mom slowly stands up from the bed with me in her arms. "Come on. Let's go downstairs and get something to eat, okay bubs?"

I nod, having a sudden burst of energy to move out of my room.

Mama walks downstairs and into the kitchen, where she grabs a plate out of the fridge, containing some mac and cheese.

"This okay?" Mom asks, opening the microwave to put the plate in.

I nod. I've never really had troubles with eating. Just I kinda forget to eat when I'm so sad and don't wanna move as it just feels like a big effort for me.

As the microwave is going I can't help but let my eyes glance around the room. Bad idea.

The first thing I lay my eyes on is a large knife left out on the counter, and I immediately get a vivid image of me stabbing myself with it in my brain.

I tear my eyes away to something else, trying to push away the thought like I normally do, but as my eyes catch sight of a potato peeler, I get another imagine of me skinning myself to death with it, causing my breathing to pick up.

"Baby what's wrong?" Mama asks worriedly, turning her head to look at me.

"The thoughts won't stop!" I sob, putting my hands over my ears. "Mommy I can't stop them, make it stop!!"

Mom knew immediately what I was talking about, and as she was still carrying me, directed my head into her chest so I could only see darkness.

"Sh sh sh, it's okay... Just focus on Mama..." She soothes, rubbing my back softly as I cry into her chest. Why is my life so fucking unbearable?

"I don't wanna loose control again, Mama!!" I tell her, remembering all the times I have done bad things to myself in the past as sometimes when I get these thoughts, I zone out so much that I actually do those things to myself, which a few times as ended up with my in hospital, and once in a physch ward, as basically I'm fucking mental.

"Your not gonna loose control again baby. I've got you... I've got you..." Mom soothes, rubbing my back gently.

Eventually, Mama manages to calm me down, and she walks out of the kitchen and I feel her sit down on a couch in the living room with me on her lap.

I continue having a breakdown even though I'm out of the kitchen. Why won't the thoughts stop?!

"What's wrong?!" I hear Dad hurriedly whisper as he comes into the room.

I hear Mom briefly explain the situation to him as I continue to cry and try to resist the urges I'm getting to hurt myself in every way I can imagine.

Dad quickly joins in with the sweet words of comfort, and eventually I manage to control the thoughts so I'm not so scared I'm about to dart back into that kitchen and cut my arm off with a knife.

"I'm sorry..." I whisper, hating the fact I keep putting my parents in these situations.

"Never apologise baby. Ever. I mean it." Mama tells me, kissing my head while still slightly restraining my body to her for my own safety.

"It's not your fault, princess..." Dad soothes, and I feel his hand brush gently through my knotted hair.

I just stare blankly at a wall. "I don't wanna be here anymore..."

I can't bring myself to look at my parents at reactions to my comment, but I feel Moms grip on my tighten as Dad joins the hug. No one says anything. I don't think anyone can.

Welp that's my life, thank you so much for spending time with me. But I don't get the comfort and hugs I just get all the other shit haha. Anyways hope your all taking care of yourself and my dm's are open if anyone wants to talk. Stay safe my loves <33