04 | fortissimo

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fortissimo

adverb. very loudly.


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QUENTIN ARRIVES AT MY HOUSE around six, lugging a pack of beer, and we order pizza for dinner before the party starts

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QUENTIN ARRIVES AT MY HOUSE around six, lugging a pack of beer, and we order pizza for dinner before the party starts.

My house is a two-storey bungalow, built for families in another century but now one of the several student-habited houses along this road. Three other students live in the house, all of us brought together by the Halston University Find a Flatmate Facebook page. My flatmates been warned that tonight is a Vierra party—fuck, they've experienced Vierra parties before. Quentin and I finish the pizza and start shifting furniture, connecting Bluetooth speakers, hiding valuables, and setting out the solo cups.

It catches me by complete surprise when he asks, "Are you this invested in the election just because you want to beat Bay?"

I splutter for five seconds. "No."

Quen doesn't seem convinced. He's been watching our rivalry from the sidelines for years, occasionally playing referee. I don't know how Bay earned his friendship when she's so combative with me, but it happened.

"Hey, I'm actually trying to take this seriously. I invited her tonight, didn't I?" I don't know if she's going to come. She works Tuesdays and Fridays at the Foxhole, and though we've been to plenty of the same parties, she clearly is repulsed by my personality.

I don't understand Bay. I am likable. I try to be considerate and engaging. The way freshman year started, we could have been something great. We met at band camp and hung out at several parties in our first semester of college. Then, out of nowhere, she started deriding me, being condescending and critical.

Lateness is laziness.

Kind of sloppy.

Getting tired, Callum?

At every rehearsal, recital, game day, after-party, and rehearsal again, she would never let me forget: she was better than me. I could see it every time I looked at her, that unimpressed glower. Thinking her dislike was based on some misunderstanding, I tried my best to clear the air and be even nicer to her, but that just made her more hostile.

I think the reason I dislike Bay is kind of paradoxical: I dislike her because she made me dislike her. As in, my whole life I've tried to be upbeat and forgiving, never disliking anyone, but every day, every month, she would cast little judgments, make little jabs, and generally diminish me until I started reciprocating the behavior to see if that would change the dynamic. It didn't. When she finally broke me, she triumphed. I could see it in her eyes. She made me abandon a part of myself, just to get on her level.

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