Amile The Queen

Chapter Eighty-Seven

***Nambitha Makhathini***

I’ve taken it upon myself to let go of all the negativity surrounding this place, and focus on the positive things.
It’s a beautiful place, the scenery is absolutely breath-taking and the air is different. It’s what Zululand used to feel like when I enjoyed going there.
Am I coping? I don’t know if I am. I know I should be coping because I’m here by the grace of the Mfusi’s, and I owe them that much for all the money they are spending on me.
I can’t help but think this was Muzi’s idea, to put me here in this institution and ‘get me help’ because he couldn’t stop worrying about me.
Dreams haunted me, and it would be different dreams on different days. Sometimes it would be his face, and sometimes it would be the sound of those horrible gunshots. And horrible days, I would see Azande, and the guilt of whether he is alive or not would eat at me, and I would want to bang my head on the wall to stop the pictures from flashing in my mind.
No one has come to see me beside Muzi. He literally comes here twice a week. I appreciate that from him, it’s good seeing a familiar face, even though the only thing that made us familiar was this horrible incident that befell on me.
I hope he’s not expecting things from me, like a relationship or something, to pay him back for all the things he’s doing for me right now. I’m not in the right state to be getting into relationships. That is the last thing I need, in fact, I don’t see myself dating ever again.
“Namnam, you have a visitor, do you want to go see them?” they do this, they always ask you if you want to see them. They never force you to go see people if you don’t want to.
The nurses here have first class training. The Mfusi’s must be paying a lot of money for this place.
“Is it Muzi, tell him to come here.” I say sitting up from the bed.
“No, it’s not Muzi.” she can’t look at me.
“Who is it?” she keeps quiet.
Before I can ask again, she walks out and leaves me with the burning question. 
As I am about to stand and follow her out, she blocks the door and my eyes meet with those of someone I was not expecting to see in my lifetime ever again.
“Mama?” her eyes were bloodshot red, and her eyeliner was already running down her cheeks.
What did I tell this woman about buying cheap make-up. Now she looks like a ghost.
Oh how I hate Nkululeko. He took away so much from me. My love for make-up now feels like a distant dream.
The nurse moves out the way, and my father comes to envelope me in a tight squeeze.
“Oh ntombi yami.” I feel safe again in his arms.
But I can’t tear my eyes away from my mother, who’s standing there with so much regret in her eyes.
I don’t know who I’m angry at the most. My father for accepting to let me go to that monster without thinking twice, or my mother, who didn’t want to listen to me, who didn’t want to see that her child made a mistake. She wasn’t a mother, she projected all her fears on me, and that is why things ended up the way they were.
“What did he do to you my baby?” he’s holding both my cheeks, staring at me in the eyes.
I’ve never seen my father cry, and he’s crying right now.
“He killed me.” I may be alive and breathing, but I’m dead inside.
He murdered my spirit, and took away any form of happiness I could stand to have in my life ever again.
I’m here because Dr Frank believes she can change that.
“You are still here Nambitha, he didn’t kill you. I’m sorry I gave up on you my girl, I let you down and I’m so sorry.” he says pulling me into another bone crushing hug.
“It’s okay daddy.” it’s not okay.
He should see through my eyes, not a single tear is gracing my face. They must read between the lines.
When he lets me go, we stand in awkward silence, mom and I are having a staring contest, tears are still cascading down her face, but she has her lips thinned. She’s trying to act strong, but her eyes are calling her out.
“You can say it mama, you can say ‘I told you so’.” because that’s the only thing I’m expecting to hear from her.
“I’m sorry Nambitha.” she whispered.
I shook my head.
“No, say ‘I told you so’ you were right angithi, and I didn’t listen to you, itsho ke mama.” she should know it’s hectic when I bring out the Xhosa girl in me.
She steps towards me and tries to hug me. At first I resist, but she doesn’t give up and she squeezes me in her embrace.
“uNdlunkulu uMaGumede told us everything, why didn’t you say anything sooner Namnam? Why didn’t you come home?”
The tears are finally forcing themselves out of my eyes.
What would I be without Amile?
“You kicked me out mama, it’s not like I didn’t try to tell you. You just didn’t want to hear me.” I pulled away from her embrace and turned to look at my father.
“And you baba, you were so quick to accept the lobola money, you didn’t even bother to ask me if I wanted it or not. Yes I loved Nkululeko, but I was never ready to marry him, not when he was abusing me.” I said wiping the stubborn tears that were flooding my face.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” dad questioned.
“Ask mom what I said to her the day I left for Zululand.” I said turning so I could see both their facial expressions.
I know how much I disrespected her that day, but it wasn’t even about Nkululeko, it was about the fact that she didn’t want to let me go support my friend, when in turn she had done so much for me.
“I told her I wasn’t planning of marrying Nkululeko. I never wanted to, but it seems like you guys wanted it more than I did.” they both look ashamed of themselves. I’m glad they are.
“I’m here now because he raped me, beat me to the pulp, pointed a gun to my head and almost killed me. I’ve lost my mind and I don’t even know if he’s alive to experience the same pain I’m experiencing or not.” I said as I violently wiped my tears.
“Come back home sthandwa sami.” that was my mom, she put her hand on my arm.
“Please don’t call me that.” words like those trigger me.
“I’m not leaving this place. I may not be okay, but I will be soon, and I will go back to work, and make my dreams come true, just like I had intended to do.” I said hugging my arms.
“Nambitha.” dad intervened.
“Nothing you say will change my mind baba. If you guys love me like you say you do, you will support my decision. You two inflicted a great pain on me, but I will forgive you. I just won’t come home now. I need this. Maybe I can get half of me back.”
They looked devastated, but I’m not going back on my word.
“Nambitha, I bought you pizza!” Muzi stops in his tracks at the door.
“I’m sorry to disturb, I can come back another time…”
I looked at the both of them.
“They were just leaving.” you could see my mother’s heart breaking. She’s transparent like that.
“Kulungile ntombi yami, we still love you and we will always be here if you need us. Usale kahle.” dad said and grabbed her wife’s hand, and walked out.
I don’t know why I don’t feel guilty for what I just did. They will forgive me one day, but now they know what it feels like to be disowned.
“You didn’t have to do that Namnam.” I wiped my tears and grabbed the box in his hands, forcing a smile on my face.
“You said you bought pizza, I haven’t had it in a while.”
I didn’t want to look at his face because I know he was judging me for what had just happened.