like dandelions in the wind (l.s.)

Day fifteen

“Louis”, Harry whines, wiggling around in his car seat, “Can we please eat something normal today?”

We’ve been on the road since this morning now, trying to make up for the wrong way we drove yesterday and getting as far as possible because we want to be at the coast tomorrow.

“Sure, if you want to. We can stop at a restaurant soon, search for one on the map, will you?”

Harry nods and leans forward to tap around on my phone. I concentrate on the road, trying not to overthink everything he does. He didn’t kiss me today. Not once, not even a peck on the lips. I don’t know what that means. If it means that the decided this wasn’t a good idea, whatever this even is, if he is somehow mad at me or if he just doesn’t even feel the need to be affectionate with me.

Maybe I was making it up and he didn’t even show signs of any affection and it’s just me who wants that from him.

“Lou?”, Harry asks, waving his hand around in front of my face, “You alright?”

I nod slightly. “Just hungry. But it’s not far anymore, is it?”

He shakes his head. “No. Quarter of an hour.”

We continue driving in silence, not talking a lot and I wonder if we’re okay. Maybe I annoyed him yesterday, when I cuddled closer to him when falling asleep. I want to talk to him, really, but I don’t know how. I’ve never had that conversation with anyone, never really confirmed my feelings.

“Stop”, Harry suddenly shouts, “Left, you need to turn left.”

Luckily, there’s no car behind us because otherwise, it’d have crashed into us with me slowing down so suddenly. I turn left and drive a bit further until we stop at the parking lot of a rather small restaurant.

I get out of the car and walk around it once, already wanting to enter the restaurant, but Harry, just exiting at his side of the car, grabs my hand and pulls me closer.

“You’re being weird”, he mumbles, my hand still in his, “Sure you’re alright?”

I stare at our intertwined hands while nodding and when I feel his hand on the back of my head, pulling it to his shoulder, hugging me tightly, it’s already as if a lot of weight fell off me.

“Relax, babe, you’re all tense”, he whispers, kissing the spot under my ear, rubbing over my back in little circles. It’s a little overwhelming and I don’t know why I feel like crying so much. I want him this close always. It’s scary.

“Thank you”, I mumble, staying close, my arms warped around his waist loosely.

“Of course. You’re sure that you’re okay?”

I nod slightly, looking up to see him smiling down on me. He traces my cheekbone with his finger before leaning down to peck my lips and it makes me feel better already.

“Hungry?”, I ask and he nods but stays, not moving and inch, kissing my cheek slightly.

“Don’t stress. We can go in in a second. Only if you don’t want this, then we can go inside now.”

I quickly shake my head and tiptoe to kiss him again, enjoying the scent of his perfume and the way a strand of hair tickles my skin.

“Bit better?”, Harry asks, smiling softly, brushing through my hair with his finger tips.

“Yes. Thank you.”

I like you.

He nods and I move away a little, wanting to walk to the restaurant. “Wait”, Harry says, stopping me by my shoulder to catch up before taking my hand, smiling a little shyly.

We walk to the restaurant with our hands intertwined, my heart beating loudly in my chest because this probably does mean something and he was the one to make the first step. I’ll talk to him soon. I can’t let this road trip end without having told him how I feel.

We get a table for two and order some burgers as well as a milkshake and a lemonade to stick to our old traditions.
I can’t stop smiling the whole time and Harry nudges his foot into mine under the table every now and then and smiles back, dimple showing in his cheek and I just can’t stop smiling.
We even order some ice cream together, sharing one with two spoons, grinning happily. Something about Harry makes me all giddy.

We leave again after about two hours of rest, having talked about all kinds of stuff, families and friends, as well as the sea. Not about arriving at the coast tomorrow. Not about what will happen once we get there and how Harry feels.

We continue driving the whole afternoon, singing along to some music and dancing in our seats, playing kiss marry avoid and sleeping when the other one drives. It’s nearly nine p.m. now and we haven’t looked for a place to stay at yet.

“Can we drive through the night?”, Harry asks, “I can drive the whole time, I’m not tired anymore. But I’d like to arrive tomorrow. I can’t really procrastinate this any further and I really wanna get it over with.”

I look over to him and I can’t really read the emotion on his face. He looks exhausted for sure, and scared, probably. I’d be too.

“We surely can. I slept enough those last days, it’s not like I can’t make it the night through.”

He nods quietly and fidgets around in his seat, staring out of the window as if he’d find an answer to his questions in the darkness.

“Hey”, I mumble, reaching out to tap his thigh with my finger softly, “It’s gonna be okay, yeah? Tomorrow will suck but I’ll be there for you if you want me to.”

He locks my finger with his, our hands dangling between us and nods a tight nod. “Yeah. Okay. I’m just so scared. It’ll mean letting go. Forever.”

“It’ll be okay, love. You can do it, I know that.”

He nods, wiping his cheeks with both of his hands and sniffling quietly, staring out of the window, trying to hide the tears.

“Hey, come on”, I whisper, pressing his hand twice.

He’s trying to breathe properly, his shoulders rising and falling down with every breath he struggles taking the more he cries.

I don’t know what to do so I let go of his hand and pull at the side of the small road, stopping the engine and turning on the backlights before climbing over to Harry.

“Look at me, babe. Please”, I whisper, trying to ignore the pet name that just slipped out. I bend down, wiping his cheeks, putting my hands onto them and kissing the top of his head once. He still isn’t looking, trying not to cry, but I can’t see him like this so I sit down in his lap carefully, pulling him in so his head is pressed to my chest.

“Breathe, H.”
He nods, trembling hands wrapping around my waist to pull me in tightly, sobs getting even louder as he keeps crying into my shirt.

“Shh, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay, that’s alright”, I whisper, brushing through his hair in regular motions.

We sit there for some time, his crying getting less after some time, his hands still holding on to my shirt tightly. “I’m sorry”, he whispers, wiping his cheeks again.

“Don’t be please. You’re allowed to cry.”

He nods again and pulls me down by my neck to kiss me softly and long, his lips tasting like tears. I have that unbearable feeling in my chest that makes me want to never let him go.

“Thank you”, he whispers into the kiss, pulling me in so I feel small and safe and like he’ll actually be there for me.

We stay like that for some time before I get back onto my seat, holding his hand while driving with my other one the whole time, pressing it every now and then, letting him know that I’ll be there.

~~~

have a good day

<333