like dandelions in the wind (l.s.)

Day sixteen

We arrived way too early a few hours ago. Harry had slept in the car already but we both laid down in the back again, covered with the fluffiest blanket, hugging each other tightly.

Now it’s six in the morning and I’m already awake because I’m so scared for him, I don’t want him hurt. He’s breathing calmly, his arms still wrapped around me.

I lean over to kiss his temple softly once, brushing through his curls, hoping I won’t wake him up. I can’t really resist from touching him, from showing affection.

I wait for him to wake up for another hour or so, staying still so my movements won’t make him wake up, waiting as I watch his eyelids flutter and his lips forming a small pout.

When he wakes up, eyes a little puffy, he blinks a few times, getting used to the light before locking his gaze with mine and smiling a small, a little forced smile.

“Good morning”, I whisper, trying not to think about that this certainly isn’t a good morning.

As soon as he’s awake, I see his eyes tearing up again and it hurts so much, seeing him like this, it’s almost unbearable.

“Come here”, I whisper, pulling him in, letting him cry for a bit again. “That’s okay. You can do it, babe.” I kiss his forehead softly.

He nods slightly, looking defeated and exhausted. “When do you want to do it?”, I ask, slipping my hand under the blanket to let it rest on his lower back.

“Now. I can’t wait any longer, it’s gonna destroy me.” I nod, sitting up, getting him a hoodie and jacket to slip over his sleeping shirt from his bag.

He thanks me quietly and puts them on before using the hair tie around his wrist to tie his hair up into a messy bun.

“I’m gonna go out alone”, Harry says, still crying a little, “But I need you afterwards, okay? Be there for me?”

“Oh, H, course I will be. You don’t have to ask me for that.” I lean forward and peck his lips once. He tries to smile but fails, frowning instead.
He nods tightly, grabbing his backpack, wiping his eyes again. “Okay.”

“Okay. It’s gonna be okay, remember please.”

He nods again and then he gets out of the car, shutting the door behind him quietly. I try to distract myself somehow, not think about how fucking shit this must be for him, not trying to think about how broken he is.

I tidy up a bit at first, stuffing all of the trash and packaging on the floor into one bag. Then I decide to text with Zayn a bit. After fifteen minutes, I get the camping stove and place it outside, heating up some water because mum used to make me some tea when I was sad so maybe it’ll help Harry.

When the water is warm and I have both cups placed in the van, hoping they’ll stay hot for a bit, nearly half an hour passed and Harry still isn’t here.

Maybe I should get worried because he’s not showing up. What if he’d need me? I get out of the car and look around for him a little. I do spot him after a bit, kneeling a bit away from the edge of some cliff a little further.

I walk over as quickly as I can, knowing that this might be invading his privacy, but I need to check if he’s okay. Coming closer I realize that he for sure isn’t. Hiding his face in his hands, crying in broken sobs.

“H?”, I ask, carefully, not wanting to interrupt anything, “Is it okay I’m here?”

He nods, trying to talk through the crying. “Yes please”, he chokes out and it’s enough to shatter my heart a little.

There are tears running down my cheeks when I sit down next to him, hugging him as tightly as possible, getting closer than ever before, trying to melt into him so he’ll know that if he wants me too, I will forever be there for him.

“He’s gone now”, he whispers, trying to calm his breathing, “That’s it.”

I nod slightly. “You can let go”, I mumble, “You’ve been holding on for long enough now, it’s okay to let go of him. Doesn’t mean you’re never allowed to think of him again, but this part is done with. No need to ever worry about getting this done anymore.”

He nods slightly, hiding his face in the crook of my neck, “It scattered like dandelions in the wind”, he breathes, “That means I’m allowed to wish for something, doesn’t it?”

“For sure does”, I whisper, trying not to seriously start crying.

“I wished for him to look over me. It’s stupid, isn’t it? It’s not gonna work.”

He’s still crying but by now, he’s at least able to breathe again, trying to catch some air. “I don’t think it’s stupid. Maybe it’ll work.”

He nods slightly and I’m holding him up so he doesn’t collapse onto the ground, exhausted from everything. We stay embraced on the cold ground for some time, his crying slowly calming down, still not stopping completely.

I get up after some time and offer him a hand to get up. We walk back to the van hand in hand, his backpack in his other hand, eyes red from crying so much.

I prepare the bed so it’s comfortable and he sits down, thanking me for the tea I hand him, with the smallest smile on his lips.

“Thought it might help”, I say, shrugging.

I’m not sure why that makes him cry even more but he nods, drinking a sip. He looks so tired, so done with everything and all I want is to make him feel better somehow again.
We drink our tea in silence while his crying slowly ebbs down, his breathing getting more regular again. I keep a hand on his knee, drawing circles onto the fabric of his sweatpants slowly.

When he’s done drinking, he puts the mug away and slips down a bit so that he’s laying down. I stuff a pillow under his head and hand him a blanket so that he’s all comfortable before laying down next to him. I’m not sure what is too much in this situation, so I stay away from him a few inches until he is the one moving closer.

I smile up at him and he smiles a sad, teary smile back, trying not to start crying again. “Don’t cry again, H. Can’t see you like this, come on.” I wipe away a single tear and he nods, kissing my forehead.

“Will try not to. It’s just so much.”

“You can cry whenever you feel the need to”, I whisper, tugging a loose strand back into his bun, “I still prefer when you’re happy.”

He nods. “It’s just today. It’ll be okay again soon.”

I kiss him for a bit, just to make sure he notices how much he means to me, how much I want to be with him, how much I like him.

We stay like that for the rest of the day, not really doing anything. I don’t think he’s in the mood to. I cook us lunch at some point and the soup turns out surprisingly well, considering that Harry was the one who always cooked.

He tells me a little bit about his dad, but he ends up crying every time, so I try to distract him by telling stories about Zayn and Liam, about our trip to France last year, making him chuckle a little once in a while.

We fall asleep when the sun didn’t even go down yet, Harry’s arms wrapped around me tightly.

~~~

bit short and sad chapter

hope you liked it tho<3