Monster Made Of Memories

3

I wake up and everything is still. Still like water in an unused lake, still like my breaths, still like my heart. My eyelids feel stuck, fused by my lashes and yet I still force them to pry open though I don't know why. My vision swims blurry, the peaceful cloud of blackened sleep all but gone.

This world I have awoken in is nothing but plain walls of creams and whites and lights. It is painfully bright in the room. Painfully open to the sun.

The sun.

I had not seen its golden glow in what felt like centuries, the plague of void brick walls hiding its hue from my searching eyes. I remember the warmth of it, the warmth I feel now. I can still feel the cool breeze of freedom as I once ran around its golden rays, dancing like fallen leaves within the tall ravenna grass that held me within cool green stems of salvation, of safety.

I can recall so vividly how the long arms of green would tickle my limbs as I ran across it so fast it felt as though I could fly. The fields would cradle my under the clear blue skies of serenity, the divine touch of nature fueling my every move.

Breaths come back to me now as my vision fills more vividly. My face warms as I remember laying against the soil and staring skyward. I feel at home as I see the clear blue and golden glow dance around the ceiling, small lines of emerald grass tickling the image around the sides. A smile falls against my lips edge, drawing my face in unfamiliar strokes.

A click sounds from behind me and me smile quickly fades like lightning floods as I am catapulted back into the reality of the present.

With out warning everything crumbles and I am left once again of the darkness in this places light. A man I don't know walks in carrying something and before he can manage a word I am launching backwards, to the floor, and far far away from his reach.

I'm shacking, shacking like a weakling, a coward, a fool, pathetic, worthless, monster, idiot, mistake, horrendou- "Hey, it's alright." This man reassures his voice soft. Soft, gentle, tender, benign, lenient, merciful, forgiving, forbearing, sympathetic, considerate, understanding, clement, humane.It is everything I do not deserve and it's wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong- "Loki, look at me, it's Tony. Remember me, I'm Thor's friend."

Thor, Thor, Thor. My brother. Never my brother. My best friend. He hates me. Perfect. The opposite of me. Thor, Thor, Thor, Thor, Thor, Thor. Where is Thor? He left, he's gone, he left me. Why would he stay I'm pathetic, miserable, useless, moron, monster, monster. Why would he stay for a monster? Why wouldn't he stay for me?

"W-where?" I mumble and I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be alone. Don't leave me, please, please, please, please, please- "Thor? He just stepped out for a second, he'll be here soon I promise."

Liar. He's lying, they always lie. Promises are empty. Empty like never, empty like nothing, empty like me.

I can't help it when I draw my knees into my chest like a mere child. I can't help it as my shoulders shake even more violently, and I am absolutely helpless as tears break away from my eyes. It's odd how horribly pathetic I have become, how dangerously useless I have ended up.

"Hey, you're okay Lokes. Common don't be scared I'm not gonna hurt you, not that I could I'm like completely harmless. And you're not. I mean you could probably snap my in half without even trying so it should be me whose scared not you. Not that you're scaring me. And not that there is anything wrong with-"

"Stop talking." I snap loudly the thrum of my head becoming unbearable and to my startled surprise he does. You moron, moron, moron, moron. "I'm sorry." I whisper caving in on myself all over again. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Please, I'm sorry. I'm s-sorry, I'm sorry, I'm-m sorry. P-please I'll never do it a-again, please, I-I'm s-sorry."