Heaven (new version)

chapter 20: flour and cinnamon

Shadows waltzed upon the wall in a delicate dance for the dreaming. They crept up to the ceiling on spidery legs and then stopped to survey what lay beneath them. Swaying hypnotically, the shadows looked down at Sina as he lay on grey sheets.

Hoping to fall into a deep sleep, Sina popped a Xanax he'd stolen from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He knew it was Aunt May's – not because her name was stamped on the bottle, but because he knew Cookie was so against pills he barely even took aspirin.

Sina closed his eyes. Sleep came like a welcomed friend and so did a dream, and in that dream, Sina saw his mother. She was standing in the kitchen of their townhouse in Amsterdam at a time that felt like a million years ago.

Sunlight flooded the room. Warmth ebbed from every inch of the house. Bel's hair was twisted into a braid that make its way to the middle of her back, and flowers were woven around the strands. Her hands were covered in flour and cinnamon. A pie shell rested in a tin pan. Apple peels lay on the floor. Bel's eyes were rimmed in thick black kohl and were electric from the speed she had taken prior.

Sina remembered an 8-ball of cocaine on the counter resting among empty spice bottles and a dirty mixing spoon. The coke had been bought for him. Speed had never been his thing. He had taken it once and instead of being guided into a feeling of euphoria, he could taste colours and see scents to the point he thought his head would burst. Then came the sensation like he was poked by a bunch of needles at once.

Though Bel was in an old nightgown and high as the sky, Sina thought she looked ethereal. There was an aura surrounding her that ebbed to him. For a moment, his mother felt outer-worldly.

Bel caught Sina's gaze and spoke in a voice so unlike her own. Her usual lyrical lilt now sounded like shattered glass – grainy and imperfect. "When you're trying to step out of your old life, Sinny, the first person you will meet is Fear. The second is Doubt. Acknowledge them with nothing more than a nod and keep walking. You will meet many others along the way. Anguish. Regret. Shame. They will all try to grab your attention and pull you from your goal. Acknowledge them too, but for no more than a brief moment."

Bel's attention was briefly stolen by a tiny timer giving off a series of dings. She reached down to shut it off. "Then walk on. Seven hells, keep going, Sinny. Move until you meet Hope and Faith. They will give you enough and will walk with you till the journey's end. But be careful. The last person you will meet is Fear again. She will try to persuade you she is all you need. Don't let her trick you. Stand strong and stare her down until she is nothing more than a button that fits in the palm of your hand. Then take her and put her in your pocket. Hope and Faith will follow, of course – they always do. Then you know that you have got to where you want to be."

Before Sina could utter a sound to tell her how much he wished she was still with him – and let her know how she was the only one that ever got him – a cloud came over the townhouse and everything began to darken.

"The sun rises for the good and the wicked, Sinny. Never forget this. When the storms come they rattle everyone's homes just the same. You are as worthy as anyone else. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. I've kept your secret in my heart for years but I have always known what you truly are."

What I truly am?

As if reading his thoughts, she nodded. "Yes. That's why I adopted you. To protect you."

"To protect me? From –"

"From yourself, dear boy. I've always known you were a runaway demon. Bet old man Lucy wasn't too happy about losing someone like you."

"How do you know I'm a demon?"

"I just do. Let's leave it at that." Cybele reached down to pick up the apple peels. As she rose, Sina saw them turn into caterpillars.

Amazed by what was happening, it took Sina a moment to form the words longing to be spilled, "Ma Bel, I miss you. I wish you were still here because I'm fucked up without your guidance. I'm in love and I don't know how to deal with it. And I sure as heck don't feel worthy of anything good."

"Listen to me. Sometimes we've got to change. We have to slip out of our old lives and become what we want to be. With who we want to be. Your time is now, Sinny." Cybele held out her palms. In the nest of her flesh, the caterpillars dissolved into goo. Then between the ticks of the clock hanging from the wall, the caterpillar goo began to transform. Little wings grew and fluttered. Thread-thin legs wriggled. In Bel's palm stood a bunch of colourful butterflies.

Sina looked at the butterflies in amazement. This is just a dream. I know it is. Why does it feel so real? "But what if it's not possible? What if I can't change or I can't be with who I really want, what then?" His voice cracked.

Ignoring his question, Cybel lifted her hands above her head to let the butterflies flee in flighty confusion. She closed her eyes momentarily. Her lashes were long and thin as the butterflies' legs.

"Ma Bel?"

Cybele's feet lifted off the ground. Flour and cinnamon fell around her like dust. With the butterflies following her, she rose higher and higher until the house opened and she vanished into a silvery cloud.

"No!" Sina leaped up and tried to grab onto her. "Come back. I am not ready for this. Can't you hear me? I'm not ready to feel this way!"

Still lost in his dream, Sina began to cry. There was nothing he could do to bring her back. There was nothing he could do from stopping that damn ache inside him. 

*Fun Fact: Cybel knows what Sina is. She always has. How do you think she knows?