State of Love and Distrust

Prologue

"THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF NO."

"Ugh... Oh God, you have some footage of that?"

"FUCK MTV! FUCK MTV!"

"I won't watch it."

"It was pretty bad."

"It was a disaster, total disaster!"

..."Any memories of the Singles party in Los Angeles?"

What really happened at that party? The true story has never been particularly told. What the public knows are the little censored morsels that MTV fed to the masses. The world DID get a little glimpse of the madness in Pearl Jam 20, but that's only a fraction of the puzzle. There was no social media back then, so that legendary night remains ingrained in rock lore, the majority of which is left to the imagination, and locked in one of Viacom's vaults somewhere, I'm sure. The edited debacle only ever aired once (I think).

The members of Pearl Jam have all been tight-lipped about that particular night, and a certain Cameron Crowe has kept the footage under lock and key for over 30 years. I guess the world will never really know what happened.

Despite the mess, despite the mystery, despite the little blister on Pearl Jam's rich history, for me, that was the birth of YES.

Oh yeah, I was there, and I think I'm ready to tell the story of what happened off-screen. It was a night I'll remember for the rest of my life. It was my first real party, my first real big adventure in "Hollywood." It was the first of a lot of things...

No, I'm not really anyone you'd probably consider "important." I just happened to be in the right place at the right time... Or better yet, I forced myself to be at the right place at the right time...

SOMEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES COUNTY...

SEPTEMBER 28th, 1991
My mom stood in the door of my bedroom, with a look that rested between concern and disappointment. Even though I had just turned 21 in March, Mom still treated me like a kid.

"I'll be fine. I don't feel like I'm gonna die."

Mom eye-balled me intently. It was almost as if she was looking for an excuse to stay home.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. I'll be OK. I don't want you to miss a good time."

Mom still gazed at me, worried. However, after some brief contemplation, she sighed and said, "We'll see. I know God will look out for you. I'll have my beeper on me as always. Mr. Hernandez will have his beeper too. I left the number on the fridge whiteboard."

"Ok. Got it."

"Call me if there's an emergency."

Mom shut the door behind her. I rolled myself back into my blankets for a moment and waited patiently as the car engine rumbled into the distance.

At last! I had the house to myself. I walked to the living room, ready to get something started. As I basked in solitude, the Virgin Mary gazed into the distance on her tapestry, as if to say, "What you're doing is none of my business..."

Wanting to revel in my freedom, I decided to call up my best friend Dianne. Until then, we never got to really hang out at my house late at night, so I knew she would be elated to visit. She was always great company. In my mind, we never formally became best friends, she was just a super extrovert who took me under her wing. Naturally, she was the one who initiated most of our hangouts.

When I dialed her, she sounded groggy but perked right up when I asked her to come over.

"Oh, Fernanda! Your mom is gone and you want me there? Oh, you're going to hell girl!.. I'm coming right over."