State of Love and Distrust

August 1992

When I woke up, Carl's back was turned away, and he was snoring rather loudly. While asleep, he rolled toward the center of the bed, pushing me slightly toward the edge. I nudged him a bit, but he didn't stir. It looked as if he wasn't going to leave for a couple more hours, but I wanted him to go, because the previous night was... something.

The night before, I finally went all the way. I did the deed, but it felt... just OK. While Carl was into me, he was awful at foreplay and finished fairly quickly.

"Now, I won't be the one to take you all the way, but let me take you somewhere—tonight. Over there. NOW."

I'm really sad to say that Carl didn't take me all the way. In fact, he didn't take me anywhere.

After the whole ordeal, I didn't know what to think. This is it? I thought to myself.

Carl was nice enough, but he was more interested in me than I was in him. He wanted something a little more serious. I did not. After leaving my parents' house, the last thing I wanted was to be tethered to somebody else. I wasn't ready for a real relationship, and I knew I wouldn't be for a long time. I told Carl this, but he still held out hope that I would change my mind.

As Carl enjoyed his peaceful sleep, I sat up against the headboard and gazed at my surroundings.

My new room was still pretty bare, but it was coming along nicely. There was a minimalist black desk and chair, a couple of partially unpacked boxes, a dresser, and a small clothes hamper. On my dresser, I placed a small radio so I could listen to music. However, I was saving up for a new record player. Also, I had tacked some new magazine clippings and posters on the walls. After Mom trashed my belongings, I made it a mission to rebuild my music mementos collection.

Outside the window, I had a prime view of the sunny sky above, as well as a street lined with majestic palm trees—and fancy cars. The area was quiet and clean.

As I sat in bed, Stone's bright, wistful green eyes peered over in my direction. I wondered what he was up to at that moment. I also began to wonder if the guys would come to LA again any time soon. From what I knew, Pearl Jam was back in the states on their Lollapalooza tour, but LA wasn't a scheduled stop.

"No one gives a fuck. Let it out."

It's crazy that I spent so much time thinking about Stone. He had probably forgotten about me. There were plenty of women out on the road for him to enjoy—especially European ones. It had been a year since I first discovered Pearl Jam, and their popularity had skyrocketed further since I saw them in May. Their Unplugged appearance, touring, and relentless media coverage propelled them to new heights. They were really hot shit, and the Grunge sensation had spread like wildfire. Over the span of a year, PJ had gone from playing at small dingy clubs to selling out stadiums across the country—and the world.

After a few moments of pondering, I brushed my thoughts away. Leaving Carl to rest, I got up and started to get dressed.

When I went to the living room, Kim and Dianne were sitting on the couch in their pajamas, watching MTV. Dianne was finishing off a bowl of cereal. Meanwhile, Kim sipped on a cup of black coffee. Marcy was in the kitchen chopping fruit in order to make a smoothie.

While each one was very groggy, the girls still said good morning to me. As they continued to watch TV, I plopped on the couch next to Kim.

"So how was your night?" asked Kim.

"Fine," I said. "Carl is still asleep."

"You look disappointed," said Dianne. "I wanted to tell you, but I thought I'd let you find out on your own."