Samantha Gilmore || A Gilmore Girl's Fan fiction

Never enough

There were parts of herself that Samantha didn't understand. She didn't know how her brain worked or why her body reacted in certain ways. She didn't understand why her thoughts would shift so quickly, going from perfectly fine one moment, to completely hopeless the next. The thing that concerned her the most, however, was her feelings toward her mother.

The first time Samantha remembered Lorelai coming into their home was when she was four. Since the beginning, the youngest Gilmore girl had been trying to get her mother's attention. Samantha wasn't sure why she had gotten attached to the older Gilmore so quickly, maybe it was some subconscious urge to know the person that gave birth to her. All she knew was that Lorelai was important, but the woman did not feel the same about her.

Samantha didn't expect to take interest in the tall brunette that appeared on their doorstep all those years ago with a 10-year-old hiding behind her leg. She didn't expect to feel comfort from looking at her. The woman who had abandoned her, left without a note or apology, the woman who never answered her grandparents calls or texts or emails, the woman who never checked in to make sure her daughter was alive and safe. The woman who basically forgot all about her. The woman who was the reason for all her phycological problems. The reason she couldn't let other people in, the reason she couldn't trust, in fear that they'd leave her. The woman who had caused so much pain and suffering. The woman she should hate and loathe and feel disgust for at the mention of her name. But she didn't.

Samantha wished she could control her emotions. She wished she could tell her brain to stop getting attached to the people she knew would hurt her. She wished she could flip an off switch for her feelings. She wished she could lock her emotions into a vault and throw away the key. Samantha wished she could schedule her emotions. That would be nice. Unfortunately, that wasn't how it worked.

~:~

Christmas day, 1994

A four-year-old Samantha sat propped up on her grandfather's lap, sucking her thumb as he bounced her up and down. The girl had big, chubby cheeks and long, dark hair that went past her shoulders. She was dressed in her green and red pajamas, since she kept spilling stuff on the fancy party dresses her grandmother would put her in. Suddenly, a knock resounded from the door, causing her to turn to her grandfather with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.

"Who's that, Samantha?" Richard questioned, pretending he was as shocked as she was. "Do you want to go see who that is?"

In response, the girl bobbed her head up and down, making him chuckle before getting up. Samantha's interest only piqued further when she heard voices coming from the front of the house. She laid her head on her grandfather's shoulder, her arms wrapped loosely around his neck as he carried her over to her grandmother, a tall brunette woman, and a girl that seemed to be a couple of years older than her.

Samantha quickly inferred that the little girl and older woman were mother and daughter. They both had the same dark brown hair and striking blue eyes. The girl looked to be about 10-years-old and she was hiding behind her mother's leg, occasionally peeking around her to look at everyone else. It reminded Samantha of the squirrels she would see when she went outside, peeking their heads out of the tree to get a nut before darting right back inside to the warmth of their home.

The mother, however, was a different story. The minute Samantha came into the room, the woman's eyes had been stuck on her. She had a certain air of confidence about her that her daughter didn't. It seemed almost as though she thought she was too good to be there. Like the stop to the Gilmore house was just an item on her Christmas chore to-do list. Even though she was only 4, Samantha could tell the woman clearly didn't want to be there.