Tainted

001

"Alex..." My breath was shaky as I opened the door of my apartment, "You came." I wanted to sound like the independent woman I put myself out to be but the amount of concern etched into the face of my previous lover made me acknowledge how vulnerable I seemed in this very moment. "You called, Olivia." He gives me a halfhearted smile, his clothes drenched from the pouring rain, his hair clinging to his forehead as the droplets of rain still fell from the strands, trickling down his face onto the cold tiles of the hallway.

Never have I ever thought that Alex Pierce, the man I formally loved dearest and left without any valid explanation would come to my rescue, just because of one simple missed call that could have happened by accident, but here he stood in front of me, soaked from the storm happening outside just to be here. Our eyes met and in that moment I could feel the walls I mentally built up to protect myself came crumbling down, the bricks that towered so high turning into dust as the vulnerability lingered in my already red and puffy eyes. "Oh Olivia." He hushed taking a step forward, his arms engulfing me and even though he was drenched in coldness, there was still somehow a warmth seeping through the fabric of his shirt making me feel some sort of comfort, at least a bit better than before but just like pain killers and alcohol, it didn't numb the absolute pain I felt inside of me, like a tornado spiraling out of control ready to suck up the entire Earth, instead I was sure that this time it would fully consume me, swallowing me whole, death didn't scare me. I was more terrified of not being remembered or loved. Call me selfish but I want someone to grieve me when I can no longer walk with them. When I die, I want to know that at least someone cared enough to shed a tear.

I stayed in Alex's arms, savoring every bit of comfort I could like a dog that hasn't been fed in weeks as I clutched on the material of his shirt, my fists filled with it as I desperately clung to him like a sloth clinging to a tree. The moment was cut short when he abruptly let go of me, my quiet sobs filling the hallway as tears soaked my cheeks, I didn't know why I was crying but I had been for the past two hours, Alex takes a step back bringing his face down as his eyes scanned my face, my eyes glued to his as I watched the frown forming on his face. "Oh god look at me, you're already soaking and here I am, drenching you in my tears." I sniffled, trying to force out a laugh but I sounded more like a dying walrus as I motioned for him to follow me inside, without a word Alex follows me into the living room and out the corner of my eye I could see him taking in the place, quite a lot has changed in a year but so have I but unlike my apartment I haven't changed for the better, for a while it went good, I started feeling like a person again but merely two hours ago I found myself in another episode, I had just gotten home from work and did my
self-care routine per usual, always beginning with a hot cup of hot chocolate paired with a long boiling shower, but this one shower was unlike the rest and it all led to this very moment with Alex sitting in my living room with one of my towels wrapped around him as I went rummaging through my closets in hope to find something for him to wear.

Aha. His highschool basketball shirt with a pair of my oversized joggers, that would do the trick.

Will the shirt fit him though?

I stare at the shirt laid out on my bed, trying to figure out whether it would fit him or not, Alex has lost a lot of weight since highschool but he had also grown a couple of inches taller. "It should probably do." I walked out, ignoring the pounding feeling in my head, as if I had my personal little minions up there using a sledgehammer against my skull, trying their best to break free.

I stepped into the living room, awkwardly standing in the middle as I told him that he could go get dressed in my room, he just gave me a thankful smile and walked off, not even bothering to close the door behind him. I sat on one of the bar stools in the kitchen, waiting for the kettle to boil the water as I drummed my fingers against the table, why did the heavy feeling inside of my stomach go away? Why only minutes before Alex knocked on my door I was standing in front of my medicine cabinet, wanting to empty it? Why was I thinking of getting in my car and just driving off a cliff? "I barely recognize the room." Alex chuckles, walking out the room with only the pair of joggers, my eyes wanted to roam his body, look at every place I once touched, every little place I left my mark but I couldn't bring myself to it instead I maintained eye contact with him as he runs his hand through his hair damp hair. "Sorry, the shirt didn't fit me." he says awkwardly and I nodded. "Liv are you okay?" My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach, if it could I'm sure it would have dropped to my toes. Liv. It had been so long since I've heard that nickname I had forgotten about it. "I'm sorry you have to see me in such a mess." Alex walks over, sitting on the barstool across from me and I almost smiled at the foggy memory of us sitting here till 3am in the morning talking about anything and everything or baking whatever weird cravings we had, which once led to a small fire in the oven but back then I couldn't help but laugh it off just happy to be in his presence. "Why are you apologizing?" He looks at me and I frowned, how do I tell him what's wrong, it's been bothering me ever since he got here, how do I say that everything feels okay now but only twenty minutes ago it felt like my world was crashing down, how do I tell him that if he showed up 5 minutes later I would possibly have done something I'd regret? But how do I thank him for walking all the way to my apartment in a storm? "Why did you come Alex?" He frowns deeply at my question before leaning forward, propping his elbows up the table and resting his chin on the palm of his hand. "I don't know." He says shortly after and I slowly nodded, too tired to even disagree as I stared at the clock on the wall.