i can stop the tears if i want to | jenlisa

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"Lisa Manoban's 'The Happiest Girl' rises to the top of Billboard Charts as the music video garners more than 60M views in the first 24 hours." - 19 September 2022

Articles rolled out, her solo song went viral on social media and the speculation was endless. The spotlight was never unexpected in her line of work, but the way it burned her skin and went deep into her bones made her want to bury her heart into the dirt and lower it ten feet under. They had been expecting a heavy dance number, something fun, a little sassy; a bop that topped the charts because Lalisa Manoban was swagger and sex on legs.

Instead, she delivered a page from her diary for the entire world to scrutinise.

There was a whole lot of praise, the typical slew of negative comments and an infinite amount of theories on who had broken her heart.

She would be the first to admit it wasn't a masterpiece by any means, it was raw emotion and a sinking sense of sadness that had been riding on her shoulders for years and if she were being honest, would probably weigh her down for more. It was her truth that she needed to speak before it tore her up from the inside and bled all the way out to her fingertips.

Because she was in love with Jennie Kim.

She was in love and she was numb.

As a kid with a bigger than life personality and a penchant of singing and dancing like nobody was watching, she imagined love being a fairy tale. She thought there would be fireworks, the sweetest kisses and romantic gestures that would make her cheeks blush red hot. And those things did happen; that cute trainee girl who only lasted 3 months was the first person to taste her tongue and her first serious girlfriend was actually better than she deserved. Then there was Jennie – unapologetic yet warm and so pretty it was criminal.

Jennie became her closest friend first and foremost while she was homesick and training until the early hours of the morning to nail her performances. She was the shoulder to cry on when others found nasty ways to sabotage her work, it was Jennie's hand she gripped the tightest and her surprisingly gentle words that stopped her from giving up completely. Lisa learnt to let snide comments bounce off her and still found it in herself to joke the hardest and smile the widest to fill the cracks in her armour. Then her world was tilted on its axis when they debuted together to become one half of BLACKPINK and she could finally breathe when she realised her dream was coming true.

The feelings didn't come until a couple of years after they released their first album.

There was no epiphany or dramatic moment where they locked eyes and feelings exploded in her chest. It was a simple thought that crossed her mind while they were in bed, her on her phone so far down the Youtube rabbit hole while Jennie read some stupid trashy novel a friend had recommended. She had rolled onto her side to show her the snow leopards she had been laughing at only for the older woman to roll her eyes and comment how Leo was better than whatever those trash cats were doing. It was so mundane, their feet just touching under the blankets on a Tuesday night as they did their own thing, but Lisa thought it was something she wouldn't ever get sick of. She could see herself doing the exact thing with Jennie three weeks from then, five years into the future and even decades after.

And then she started noticing the way they gravitated towards each other's bodies and how they always found a way to close the distance between them. They were both physical people and that aspect of their friendship hadn't changed, however every exchange went into the small pockets of her mind. Fingers gripping her arm, whispers by her cheek, eyes on her lips. It was natural for her to reciprocate with cheesy declarations of love through their choregraphy, a hand on the waist, fixing strands of hair that didn't need fixing to begin with. At night, when all was said and done, she'd replay those moments over and over as she tried to decipher whether Jennie did those things with anyone else outside of BLACKPINK – or more accurately, anyone else that wasn't her.

Their fans adored it and thought it was the cutest thing; female friendship or romantic in nature – everyone ate it up. Lisa loved and hated it, sometimes dreaded the touches yet craved them when it wasn't on her.

As an adult, she realised love was a fickle thing, and God, it could really hurt.

It was never just black and white, there was an entire minefield of greyscale in between that went off underneath her feet at any given moment.

She had pressed kisses to Jennie's forehead countless times with the intention of comforting her but let them last longer because it felt right. Lisa did her duty as best friend by listening to her gush about her latest boyfriend or girlfriend and smiled at all the right moments while her heart sat in Jennie's hands, bruised and bleeding. Though perhaps what made her most ashamed was when she actively avoided feline eyes and pulled away from warm hands because she was just a woman in love trying not to be.

And lately, she could feel herself spiralling.

It felt all-consuming, like she was constantly chasing a high and then dealing with the come down where she was sitting at rock bottom. A never-ending cycle that was both vicious and unhealthy.

Deep down, she knew Jennie didn't feel the same. Knew that the lingering touches and jealousy was the result of literally growing up together during their most important years and it was the comfort that allowed them to do it. Nothing else beyond that.

All the times she thought maybe, just maybe had been in her head, imagining more than there was and it was starting to border on pathetic, even that she could admit. It always started with the way Jennie looked at her; like she was the only person worth paying attention to, like she hung the goddamn stars. It made her feel wanted and loved, until she wasn't.

And that was precisely why she was sat on the expensive couch in her fancy house, alone with a glass of vodka. She tilted it left and right, watching the liquid swish from side to side yet never spilling over the edge. Just like the tears she refused to cry because she wasn't a little girl anymore.

There were other ways to drown in sorrow, she thought as she bought the glass to her lips and tilted her head back.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, she would pick herself up and put the pieces back together.

Lisa just needed tonight to reminisce all that was Jennie Kim before she locked everything away and threw the key into the Mariana Trench.