Rubato - Scarlett Johansson

Part 43

Scarlett's POV

I have to find her. I have to tell her how proud I am. She needs to know.

Sammy came to find us while she was still on stage, about halfway through her celebratory performance. A part of me wanted to get him to take Darcy and Lizzie so I could stay and watch Theo. God, I love to watch her. She is always beautiful, but when she performs she is honestly angelic. Hell, with her musical capabilities I wouldn't be surprised if one day I caught her playing the harp with a halo above her head. 

But no matter how much I love to watch her I want to be with her more, so I begrudgingly followed behind an excited Lizzie and Darcy who were chatting at rapid speed about how they can't believe she won. They have been at it since the judge's scores and haven't stopped long enough to breathe so I have no clue how they are still going, Lizzie had ditched me the moment the others left so that she could sit next to Darcy, claiming I was not good company. But can you blame me? All I want to do is tell my fiance how amazing she was, how amazing she is and how sorry I am for being a fuckup. I am sure Theo is going to love Darcy's and Lizzie's new friendship because they are honestly the comical relief I needed tonight as at one point I genuinely thought I was going to explode with nerves for Theo, waiting for her scores to come through was a living hell.

I swear there was a moment just after her interview before she performed where she looked into the crowd and told me she loves me. I have no idea how she managed to find me in the masses of people, but as soon as our eyes locked I knew she was looking at me, Theo always has this distinct way of making me feel seen, like truly seen. Not as Scarlett Johansson the movie star, but as Scar, just plain old me and I love her so much for being able to do that, for looking past everything people normally see, and finding me. 

God, I love her so much I hope I can fix everything that I fucked up. I should have kept my emotions in check, I never should have said those things to her, and I should never have thought such things. She has so much going on, she is under so much stress, and the last thing she needs is her fiance being a mess and putting that on her, that's if she even wants to still marry me, God I hope she does or I don't know what I will do. I was selfish with my little hissyfit. If I could go back I would have never left her arms as she held me when she got back. I would freeze that moment and just hold her for the rest of our lives.

Sammy pointed us to a dressing room with her name on, well with Cosmic T Rose on. I had no idea she was sticking T in the name but when Graham announced it I couldn't help the shit-eating grin on my face, that is all our kids she is representing proudly. One day we can tell them all about her performing and winning while doing it under their names, hell she had baby T up there with her will doing it. Which I have no idea how she managed to do. I know I was filming while pregnant but I was doing nothing near the sorts of things she has been doing tonight. God, I hope she is ok. I should have gone down when Flo and Kat did. I should have been sitting on that sofa holding her hand and making sure she is ok. 

But I was scared. Scared for so many reasons. Scared someone would work out who we really are and put the pieces together. Scared she wouldn't want me there. Or worse scared that she did want me there but wouldn't let me comfort her because of what a prick I had been. I should have just sucked up the fear and done it anyway. I mean it was being scared that got us into this shit show. I just... I need to be brave, like Theo. I have no idea where she gets her courage from, but she is without a doubt the bravest person I have met. I mean she goes on with life as if none of her past ever happened, she just gets on with things. She doesn't lash out at loved ones or say stupid shit. Hell, she should be the scared one and I should be comforting her. Yet she is always the one comforting me. 

I let the others go in first, trying to calm my thoughts and figure out what to say to the love of my life so that she will take me back despite me being a massive bitch and saying some awful things. Plus judging by how quickly we got down here Theo is undoubtedly still in the shower after performing. It's her little ritual. The moment she is off the stage she has to shower, it's the one thing she insists on and hasn't changed since Ray was arrested and she became Theo, not T. And while previously the ritual only took five minutes I know it takes her longer to shower now because of baby T, mainly because I normally jump in and help her, relishing on the skin to skin contact as water falls over us. But it doesn't feel right for me to do that tonight, you know, since I am a massive fuck up and may not even have the right to still call the amazing beauty in the shower my fiance.