The Vixen (College Life #2)

You can only love by loving pt.2

"You're doing great, please, keep going." I encourage, using sarcasm in my voice.

"I'm serious." She deadpanned. "Growing up, all my friends had baby dolls, they would feed them and change them and sing them sweet lullabies, I would watch with curiousness, playing with my red shoelaces. How could they be so nurturing, so caring for a child, it fascinated me, and I thought about it until I had you and your sisters. Your grandmother bought me a cabbage patch kid, her name was Lucy and she had red hair and fat cheeks and arms the size of mountains.

"My mom told me to take care of her, keep her warm and safe, and away from mean people who would seek to hurt her, what she didn't know was that I would be the one to hurt her. I stared at her for hours, wondering what I was supposed to feel and mad that I wasn't feeling those things. She sat in my bay window for the next 10 years, never being touched by me again.

"When I got older, I swore to myself I would never have kids, I didn't have the nurturing gene that most women had, when I looked at babies, I saw time stoppers. I wanted to be young, wild, and free. Party until the sun came up and dance naked at Burning Man, that's the life I wanted, not what other people had. Girls I knew were having babies at 20 years old, they sat at home with the child all day while the man went to work. He got to go out and drink with his friends after work, he got to go on trips with his friends and live his life while his wife was at home, being the one responsible.

"I didn't want that for myself, so I did everything I could to not get pregnant, then I met your father. Man, he was handsome and dashing, a prince charming come to life. He could make me laugh so hard snot came out my nose, he was something else. We dated for a year, he proposed, and I said yes. We moved into a small house, which was fine with me as long as I was with him. We traveled for the first year of our marriage, going to South America, Africa, Europe, and Asia. We partied with the Irish and ate with the Chinese, it was fantastic.

"Your father never mentioned having kids or wanting them and I didn't have the stomach to bring it up for fear of what he was going to say. On our 2nd trip to South America, I ate some bad street tacos, or so I thought. I was pregnant with Vanessa. Usually, when women find out they're pregnant they cry tears of happiness, I cried tears of fear of horror. I could see myself already, stuck at home with the baby like my friends while your father went out and lived his life. When I told him he was stunned, then he picked me up and twirled me around, smiling so hard I thought his smile may rip his face. He wanted her, and there was nothing I could say.

"Pregnancy was hell, I wanted to die when I gave birth, but it was all worth it when Vanessa came out. I always heard about women when they first see their child, they cry and gush with happiness, weirdly, I did that with Vanessa and I thought for a moment, just a split moment that I could be a mom, a happy and loving mom and I was. We went home, and I cooked and cleaned and took care of Vanessa while your father started his construction business. When he started making money, we moved to a nicer neighborhood, we could afford a cook, maid, and nanny."

"For the first time in a year, I put on a red dress, and some pumps I forgot the color and partied. I loved it, Vatica, I did, even more than Vanessa. After that night, I would go out every day, sometimes I would test my limits and come home 1 minute late, then it was 5 minutes and then it turned into days.

"Your father was angry at me, saying that this isn't how mothers act, and I told him I wasn't one, that I had the baby for him, I did all this for him. We didn't talk for 2 weeks, and not until I found out I was pregnant with you, we came together for you. Now, I had two children under my belt, going out every night was getting tough, and I couldn't drink because I had to breastfeed. Your father started taking business trips, going out of town for 2- 3 months at a time, so I would leave you both with the nanny and go crazy.