Mind of a Christian - Chapter 2

Thoughts on raising children in the faith?

Quick note: Unsurprisingly, I'll be using the words kids and children a lot. But, as I wrote this chapter, I started to use those words to describe people who aren't explicitly adolescents (i.e. they can be 19 or 24, and have strong romantic interests towards someone), but instead in the generic "the offspring of parents" sense.

It's not groundbreaking, and it won't unlock a hidden meaning in this chapter - it's just something I caught while typing.

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All things considered, I always saw my faith experience as a blessing: I made it my decision to become an atheist, and I made it my decision to become a follower of Christ (Calvinists hate him!). These are no small events, and those decisions were not made on a whim. Consequently, I don't go to church or embody my faith because my parents tell me to - but rather, it's because of a serious, invested, and internal desire that drives me forward.

You can probably see my ego start rearing its head even at that first sentence. To be honest, sometimes I do feel like a "better Christian" than other people at my church. Compared to some who have been raised in the church and faith community, I'm pretty gung-ho when it comes to reading the Bible and talking about spiritual topics. (It's an on-going character flaw of mine that warrants a separate conversation, so if you have some wisdom to share, I'd love to have a chat :P)

But see, if I have kids in the future, I would rather have them grow up in a church and faith community. I don't want them to have to go through the trauma of being a closet atheist and feeling alone even in their own family; I don't want them to go through another set of trauma in becoming a Christian, struggling with the sins they previously reveled in, and falling out with some friend groups that they were once close with (or any other variation of the atheist-to-Christian life experience).

So, how do we get there?

I want to invite both parents and children to the conversation. I want to invite believers and non-believers:
What would it look like to raise children in the faith so that it becomes a core part of their identity?
What environment would be good to raise them in, so that when big life events good and bad happen, like going to college or going through a traumatic experience, they don't abandon their faith?
How can you avoid religious trauma where your family drives you away from the faith?

I understand that even with the healthiest faith-comprehensive upbringing, a child can still refuse to adopt the faith, or fall away from it. It's as much a reality as atheists coming to Christ. But, I think the thought exercise is still worthwhile. I'd rather contemplate about this topic now so that I won't be ill-prepared as a parent. And even if I don't become a parent, I find it crucial to understand how children grow up in the faith, and to accommodate them in the areas where they feel neglected, angry, or confused.

A lot of things come to mind, but one has stood out to me as I pondered:

Encourage questions, and answer them!

Growing up, I knew the motions of Catholic mass,  but didn't have a lot of my questions or curiosities answered.

Here's a memory: When I was little (probably less than 10 years old), I used to wonder why we celebrated Jesus' death. I thought to myself, isn't it a terrible thing to die?

Here's another one: during a Good Friday service, the congregation had to read the lines of Jesus' accusers out loud. As a kid, I felt terrible in having to say, "crucify Him, crucify Him!". Now, I can think of why it's important for me to participate in those particular lines, but as a 13 year old, it was only uncomfortable, and I found no explanation that could at least ease the tension and get the brain gears moving.

Of course, it's impossible to read children's minds, so would the people around me have known that I had these crunchy thoughts? No, but I think that in general, it can go a long way to nourish an environment where kids are comfortable in asking them. I think that this is especially important for the questions about the "don't do this" parts of Christianity.

Scenario time: Let's say we have a family where the parents tell their children that when it's time to date, they should only date other Christians. Good!

The children will naturally ask, "but why?" Good!

The parents might say, "because the Bible tell us so." Not-so good. Now, the parents are right, but they can't just stop at that. No kid will be satisfied with that answer.

I think a good direction for this scenario would be to explain to them how the community and intimate-relational experiences are inseparable from the Christian life. Our faith is all about God restoring the relationship between Him and us. God's wisdom teaches us on how we can develop or restore good and healthy relationships with other people; and people can teach and encourage us in understanding God and the scriptures more. It goes both ways.

Having a girlfriend/boyfriend - or more permanently, a spouse - means that the two of you will be sharing more and more of your lives together. So, if they aren't on board with your efforts to grow closer to God, then that's going to be a core issue to you and to them.

Now, kids, even professing Christians, will have crushes or develop feelings for non-believers. Some of my friends who are believers had dated, or are currently dating non-believers. I have had crushes on a whole bunch of non-believers. I think it would be essential for parents to acknowledge that this is a reality, so that they can gently guide their children and re-emphasize the importance of dating other believers.

Scenario over.

I know that kids will always have questions about everything, and I can only imagine how demanding it can be for parents to accommodate for them. But because of that, I think it's all the more worth it to build and maintain a family environment where children feel comfortable and are encouraged to ask questions.

I think that this isn't just a good thing for Christian parents to do, but for everyone to do. It's a micro-cultural shift in how we build our family environments. It affects everything, especially our faith growth.

I'm going to be cheeky and end by pulling a 1 Peter 3:15-16, where you should "always be ready to give an answer to anyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you". We always see this applied when our classmates or strangers ask us why we're Christians. What if it's your kids asking you things?

There's also bits like Exodus 12:25-27, and Deuteronomy 6:20-25, which directly presents a scenario where the children ask "why are we doing this?". I think meditating on those, and also playing out a scenario where the children keep asking "but why?", can be really helpful.