'°☆ lupin comfort fic •°

☆.'°• II ; i was worried something had happened to you •°'.☆

countless aisles of shelves stacked with books lining the room. my finger liked to trail along their spines, reading bits and pieces here and there, momentarily getting absorbed in a different world. the hogwarts library was basically my second home and i was one of the few students who actually got on quite well with the school librarian, madame pince. i usually spent every free second, which means every second i wasn't obligated to attend classes, in the library - whether it was helping out madam pince, flipping through books i randomly chose, or studying; the library was slowly but surely turning into my natural habitat. i hid away between the pages to avoid everything and everyone. if anyone looked for me, they were sure to find me somewhere in the library  - though this was a rare occasion, since my hiding resulted in me having zero friendships. and even if the relationship i had to people could be considered friendship, it was being held together purely by schoolwork. i was the person you'd turn to if you needed the homework answers or an essay written or read over; if you needed any sort of help regarding a class you knew who to look for. i was never bothered by only being turned to when needed for school, i was actually quite relieved i still served a purpose; it reassured me that i was being useful and not a complete waste of oxygen. it was also not rare to find me dozing off over a book or papers, whether it was school work or not. though this only happened on days i needed to stay busy as long as i was awake to avoid being chased by my thoughts like a pack of hungry wolves. this strange and mostly inconvenient need to stay busy usually came out of the blue and lasted for a week or longer - a week of sleepless nights and fighting to stay awake during my lessons, of which i never missed a single one, no matter the state of my body or mind. except for once.

i had yet again not closed a single eye the previous night, so i decided to leave the common room in which i usually spent my sleepless nights in extra early to go to the library. the castle was deadly silent, utterly peaceful. i opened the door to the library and was greeted by the familiar scent of books. relief came all over me after the dreadful night i had just passed and i grabbed a small book on the way to one of my favourite tables: it was hidden in the very back and protected by a dozen of large bookshelves stacked with ancient books nobody ever bothered to even look at. i let myself down on a chair and took a deep breath while i watched the dust dance in the rays of sunshine that fell through a nearby window. the perfect spot to hide from existence. i felt eerie thoughts creeping up, so i opened the book i had acquired and decided to hide in it until my first lesson started. though before i had finished reading the first few pages and grasp even vaguely what the book was about, a heavy yet sudden tiredness overcame me and before i had known it i was fast asleep.

"june?"
i felt a nudge on my shoulder. i raised my head from the library table. confused by my whereabout, i didn't notice who the person trying to wake me up was until upon a second glance.
"professor lupin?"
the memory of what had happened slowly dawned on me. once i realised that it was dark - dark as in the sun had already set - and therefore the light was coming from lupin's wand, i jumped up startled and looked at my wristwatch: 09:23 pm.
"oh shit...", it escaped my mouth, ignoring lupin next to me. i had fallen asleep when the sun rose and now that i had awoken it had set.
"what do i do? what the hell do i do?", i muttered more to myself than to anyone else, "i missed all my classes, i'm going to be in huge trouble i-"
i was moving around hysterically and about to storm out of the library, but lupin grabbed me by the shoulders.
"what we're doing for now", he moved me closer to my chair and motioned for me to sit back down, "is we're going to relax, alright?"
he sat down on the table, still facing me.
"but professor lupin, i'm going to be in trouble if i don't explain myself to someone as soon as possible!"
"that's why i'm here - hello!", he waved at my face and then proceeded to light one of the lamps on the table so we'd have a proper source of light.
"after you missed DADA and i heard during dinner that you were absent without notice in your other classes as well and nobody had seen you around, i started looking for you, because i was worried something had happened to you.", he started explaining his side of the story after i remained silent.
"you know, after our last nightly conversation.", he added.
he was referring to the time one or two months ago, when he had found me and my blood-drenched arm on a corridor in the middle of the night.
i shook my head: "no, i'm fine, i just- i don't really know, sleep must've just overcome me."
which wasn't a complete lie. i never meant to fall asleep and miss all my classes on top of that. but i certainly knew why i couldn't close an eye at night.
"june, you know...", lupin started and lowered himself onto a proper chair, "i've already told you you're no good at hiding your feelings. even if you didn't think it was that obvious, your disappearance was noticed. you vanished from the great hall during mealtime and from the castlegrounds outside. instead i stumbled across you in the library a dozen of times, more and more frequently lately. i've been seeing you sitting there every free second of your time and occasionally drifting off to sleep. though never for this long, but you get my point. you look dreadfully tired and pale. it's a little bit as though you've turned into the library's ghost. i can only speak for my own lessons now, but there too, you've been appearing to be a little out of it again. it's no secret that there's been something troubling you and especially your sleep."
he paused and looked at me, his face dimly illuminated by the light of the candle next to us.
"what's going on?"
it was frightening to hear about my actions from an outsider's perspective. i was still scared, just like last time, but i didn't fall into panic; i knew i could trust lupin. so far, he had kept my self harm a secret like he had said, as long as i came to him the next i felt like hurting myself again. little did he know that i had already broken my promise multiple times, and if he were to find out now that couldn't possibly end well. I bit my lip trying to find something plausible to say.
"nothing, professor, it's nothing. i've just caught the flu, or something, i think."
"the flu you say?", he raised his eyebrow, "why didn't you pay the hospital wing a visit then? it would've been no big deal to take care of."
i had forgotten that illness is being treated a little differently in the wizarding world compared to the muggle world.
"just be honest, please. you know you can trust me."
i used the silence that followed to gather my words.
"it's hard to sleep when your thoughts are tearing apart your flesh like hungry wolves.", i looked up to him, unsure if he understood, "if i keep busy they're gone. i must not be alone with myself, that's all."
"do the wolves usually get their blood lust under control after a certain amount of time?", he asked.
he wasn't imitating my way of speech in a mocking manner; it was genuine.
i nodded.
"around one week. but this time they have stuck around much longer than that. i don't know why they don't want to leave. it's getting a little draining, trying to avoid them."
lupin took a deep breath and stared into the flame of the candle for a while. then he returned his gaze to me and said: "listen june, i know you won't like hearing this, but i believe you should visit madame pomfrey. i think she definitely has something to help you out, a sleeping potion for instance."
taking note of my visible distress about the thought, he added: "obviously, you won't have to go alone. i'll come along if you'd like and do the talking. does that sound like a plan?"
i nodded.
"thank you. then let's get going, shall we?"

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wc ; 1505
a/n ; second chapter, here it is! ideas are welcome as always! take care <3