'°☆ lupin comfort fic •°

☆.'°• IV ; it's okay, you're okay •°'.☆

i did have my doubts about staying with lupin, he was going to watch over me at all times after all, which means i probably wouldn't have much chance to self harm if i needed to. i had a little stash of blades in a drawer of my nightstand which i had jinxed with a locking spell. i had left one of my blades in the bathroom the day lupin found me, so i needed to be careful, because my stash was shrinking, but i threw a blade into my trunk anyway.
'just in case.'

in the evening, i was greeted by lupin's familiar 'come in'. at the table again, i set down my bag next to me and drank my potion.
"want me to show you where you'll be sleeping?"
i nodded and he took me to a door in the back and opened it. the room was furnished with a bed, a nightstand with a few books on top and a closet. the window had a large windowsill one could sit on.
"it's a little sparse, i hope you don't mind."
i shook my head: "it's more than enough."
"there's a few books i thought you'd like on the nightstand. otherwise you're obviously free to take any book from over there", he said and pointed towards the two bookshelves behind his desk, "and it's not like you're locked in here. you can visit your beloved library whenever."
"thank you, professor. really, i don't quite know how to thank you enough."
he waved off with a smile.
"call me remus, okay? the word professor belongs to the classroom."
i nodded.
"do you still want some tea before heading to bed?"
"no it's okay, thank you."
"alright then, the bathroom's over there.", he pointed towards a door, "and i'll be sleeping in the room next to you. if there's anything you need, don't hesitate to wake me up. make yourself at home."

when i awoke the following morning, i was confused before i remembered i'd be staying at lupin's from now on. waking up in strange places really had become a new habit of mine. i didn't want to get up yet, so i sank deeper into the sheets of my bed and stared out of the window. there wasn't much to see apart from a few treetops covered in white snow and an occasional bird flying above them. i felt guilt creeping up, guilt for burdening lupin so much and abruptly changed my mind about staying in bed. i got ready in the bathroom, grabbed the most interesting-looking book from the nightstand and let myself down on the sofa on which lupin had seen my cry months ago. i managed to hide from the wolves thanks to the book and shortly after i got through the first chapter, lupin entered the room.
"already awake?", he yawned.
i nodded.
"happy christmas, prof- i mean remus."
"oh right! happy christmas june. i haven't prepared a gift for you, but maybe i could compensate by cooking some breakfast?"
"it's fine, i don't usually have breakfast. also, i don't have a gift for you either, thoufh your kindness alone serves as one.", i grinned at him.
he shook his head smiling and approached me.
"i see you've started reading one of my books. how do you like it?"
"i'm fond of it so far. the writing style is compelling and the story's already caught my attention. i don't think i'll put it down anytime soon."
"a true reader at heart right there.", he ruffled my hair and disappeared into the bathroom.
"remus?", i asked once he came back, "do you think... you could help me change my bandage? madam pomfrey said i'd have to do it frequently and i'm doing a really terrible job at it myself."
"of course, c'mere."
i walked over to him and handed him the ointment i had gotten from my room earlier. he made me sit down on the edge of the sink while he opened the first aid kit and got his things ready. i rolled back my sleeve and let him undo the sloppy bandage i had done myself the previous day. his touch was gentle and as always careful not to hurt me.
"thank you.", i said when he was done, "and sorry."
"oh june, do i need to prohibit apologising? why are you sorry?"
"because i made you see this all again."
"i'm glad if you let me help you, yes?", he laid his hand on my shoulder, "it's okay, you're okay."

"will you come along for the christmas dinner?"
the sun had set and i was almost through lupin's book, in which i had been hiding all day long.
"i'd rather not. is it okay if i stay here?"
he nodded.
"of course it is, as long as you don't do anything stupid.", lupin looked at me with a demanding expression, we both knew what he was referring to.
"i won't."
"shall i send a house-elf with some food?"
"no, that's okay."
"are you sure?"
i nodded, my gaze already returned to the pages.
"if you say so. i'll be back for your sleeping potion. see you later."
"see you."
he closed the door behind himself and all of a sudden it was awfully quiet. i hadn't realised how much lupin's presence itself had kept my mind busy. now he was gone and i was alone again, with my thoughts all to myself.
'what the hell was i even thinking, just agreeing to stay here? it's lupin's space and i'm invading it, being the burden i always am. it would've been for the better if i had died the night he found me.'
i tried to push away the thoughts and focus on the last chapter, but obviously that didn't work. i shut the book abruptly and before i had been aware of what i was about to do, my mind had already decided that it was about time to use my backup blade.
i sat on the bathroom floor and undid the bandage lupin had done for me earlier that day.
'just a few cuts', i told myself, 'only so i feel alright.'
i dragged the blade across the few free spots left on my arm, the familiar feeling of the certain relief that could only be achieved by self harm came all over me. i cut over them a few more times before trying my best to stop the bleeding and cleaning up. then i redid the bandage as good as i could.
'this will have to do'
i returned the blade to its hiding spot in the very back of one of my own books. after i had reassured myself that the blade was safe, i started feeling a little lost. the adrenaline rush had only lasted for a little while and i was back to being miserable again. i wrapped myself in a blanket and sat down on the windowsill in my room. i stared out into the dark.
'what if lupin finds out? he will be so disappointed. i can't let him find out, anything but that.
just breathe.
in, and out.
in, and out.
in, and out.
in, and out.
in, and o-'
i heard the door being opened followed by lupin's footsteps coming closer. i must have lost myself in my attempt to block out my worry and therefore had forgotten about time. i heard him rummaging around before he came to the door to my room which i had left slightly open, though he knocked regardless to announce his presence.
"there you are.", he said and approached me.
he handed me the cup with the potion and i drank it before handing it back to him.
"thank you."
"you're welcome. how was your evening?"
i simply nodded, afraid of saying the wrong thing and raising suspicion, unaware that my strange change in manner did exactly that.
"you alright?"
i nodded anew.
"just tired. i think i'll head to sleep now."

the following morning i had forgotten about my fresh cuts and was surprised to see a little blood seeping through the bandage. lupin had risen before me today and was already sitting in the part of his office that resembled a living room.
"good morning there.", he greeted kindly when i entered.
"good morning. is it okay if i take a shower?"
"sure, go ahead.", he nodded, "fresh towels are in the lower drawer beneath the sink."
"thanks."
i let the hot water rinse my whole body and i closed my eyes. i trailed my finger along my cuts, both the old and the new. i had wrapped the bloodstained bandage in a little toiled paper and thrown it into the trash, just praying lupin wouldn't notice it. when i left the bathroom, lupin asked if he should redo my bandage.
"no it's okay, i'm good.", i replied a little too hastily.
"huh? don't you need to change it daily? you surely took it off before showering."
"yes, but it's fine. i'm- i'm okay.", panic must've been written all over my face.
"is there a reason you don't want me to?"
i shook my head and held my arm pressed tightly against my chest. he approached me and i took a step back, bumping against the wall behind me. i felt like a prey about to be caught by its hunter.
'congrats, you absolute fucking dumbass, you have given yourself away at the latest by now. prepare to say farewell to your blade.'
lupin noticed and raised both his hands, as if being targeted by a wand.
"hey, i won't be upset, okay? i just need you to show me right now. i promise i won't be upset."
"you promise."
"i promise."
"no matter what i did?"
"no matter what you did."
i scanned him carefully with my eyes and stepped forward, unsure if it was the right thing to do. i held my trembling arm outstreched and watched him roll back my sleeve. he sighed and i couldn't hold back my tears. he wrapped his arms around me in response.
"it's okay, you don't need to cry, i promise i'm not angry with you. when did this happen? yesterday while i was at the feast?"
i nodded.
"why?"
"merlin, i feel so dreadfully terrible for taking up your time and space too now, it's all going to waste on me."
"alright, i see you still don't want to believe that you're the only one thinking that.", he paused for a little while before he continued speaking, "what did you do it with?"
i held my breath and clamped my eyes shut.
"june?"
no response.
"june, what did you use to hurt yourself?"
"you're going to take it away from me.", i whispered.
"i won't try to infringe your privacy and search you or your room or anything of that sort, so please give it to me yourself."
"i can't, remus, i'm so sorry.", i cried.
he pulled me closer to him and patted my back.
"you know i'll have to keep closer watch on you from now on, right?"
i nodded.
"i need you to communicate with me, june. can you try to let me know that you've hurt yourself after you've done so? even better if you could tell me beforehand."
"all i can do is try."
"thank you.", he said, "then let's fix you up and i'll make us some breakfast."
"i don't need anything, i'm not hungry."
"june, you haven't eaten anything yesterday either, at least not that i know of. and even if you did, i insist you eat something with me, even if it's only a little.", he looked at me with stern eyes, "please?"
"fine.", i nodded.

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wc ; 1961
a/n ; /