CountryHuman OneShots

Incorrect Quotes with (mostly) Weimar and Soviet

Soviet: I want to be with you for the rest of my life.
Weimar: Damn, that sounds like a marriage proposal.
Soviet, getting down on one knee: That's 'cause it is.

Soviet: It's dark in here
Weimar: Don't worry dude I got this
Weimar: *Stomps their feet*
Weimar: *Skechers light up*

Soviet: Hey, Weimar, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?
Weimar: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.
Soviet: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?
Weimar: Can't really say I have.
Soviet: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.
Weimar: Sorry, Soviet. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

Weimar: Please, I'm begging you go to a doctor.
Soviet: I'm sorry is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.

Weimar, in a meeting: My policy is if you see something, say something.
Soviet: I saw a squirrel in a tree today!
Weimar, with the tone of someone who is used to Soviet: Outstanding.
Weimar: This is what I'm talking about people.

Weimar: Okay, I'm going to get the wedding cake.
Soviet: Perfect, while you do that I'll check on the ring bear.
Weimar: ...
Weimar: You mean ring bearER, right?
Soviet: ...
Weimar: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

Weimar: I've been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Soviet: Wow. They sound stupid.
Weimar: But they're not. They're really smart actually. Just dense.
Soviet: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don't know... "Hey! I love you!"
Weimar: I guess you're right. Hey Soviet, I love you.
Soviet: See! Just say that!
Weimar: Holy fucking shit.
Soviet: If that flies over their head then, sorry Weimar, but they're too dumb for you.
Weimar: Soviet.

Soviet: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us.
Weimar: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.

Weimar: My crush isn't picking up on my hints.
Soviet: What hints have you given them?
Weimar: Well, I think about them a lot.
Weimar: And sometimes I even think about talking to them.

Soviet, sweating: Weimar, there's something I need to ask you-
Weimar: Finally! You're proposing!
Soviet: How'd you know?
Weimar: Soviet, you've dropped the ring five times during dinner.
Weimar: I even picked it up once.

Weimar: Heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this.
Soviet: What did you do?
Weimar: A MISTAKE

Weimar, in a beach shirt: So sue me, it's October and I'd like to be on Island Time for a day!
Soviet: I have Spotify open right now on my computer, do you want me to blast you? Do you want me to put you on blast? Cuz I've got your history right here on the sidebar,
Soviet: Take it Back by Jimmy Buffet, Nautical Wheelers by Jimmy Buffet, Jolly Mon Sing by Jimmy Buffet, Steamer by Jimmy Buffet, trEAT HER LIKE A LADY BY JIMMY BUFFET, MAÑANA BY JIMMY BUFFET, WHEN SALOME PLAYS THE DRUMS BY JAMES BUFFET, HAVANA DAYDREAMIN BY JIMMY BUFFET- What the FUCK happened to you?!
Weimar, laughing: I HAD A CASE OF THE MONDAYS
Soviet: ARE YOU HAUNTED?! ARE YOU FUCKING POSSESSED?!
Soviet: YOU USED TO BE MY FRIEND
Weimar, cry-laughing: ᴵ ᴴᴬᴰ ᴬ ᶜᴬˢᴱ ᴼᶠ ᵀᴴᴱ ᴹᴼᴺᴰᴬʸˢ