smoke breaks | proxies

iv.

6:42 PM | Tim | I wanna take you out sometime, on a date
6:43 PM | Tim | I'm really hoping I'm not misreading this situation

I stared at my phone in disbelief, a week or two had passed since I had met Tim and Brian. The nights were slowly getting filled with phone calls and texts between the two of them, and with the continuous conversation came the guilt bubbling in my stomach.

"Toby, you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." Natalie's voice broke me from my stupor, and I turned to see her propped up on the bar – something that was definitely not allowed but who honestly cares – swinging her feet, hand wrapped in Jane's. Jane was stuck in her normal glare, her gaze locked on Jeff. I wasn't too sure about their drama, but from what I understood, it had been a conversation that ended in an argument where Jeff and her had gotten into a fist fight. It had been almost two years since, but if there's one thing Jane did, it was hold a grudge.

I nodded, debating on shutting off my phone. I didn't want to leave him answerless for too long, but- "J-just a-a video I-I saw," I mumbled back, trying to hide the red that was definitely rising to my cheeks.

Natalie gave me a look that meant she definitely knew I was lying, but she turned her face back to Jane, continuing their conversation about a movie Nat was interested in seeing. The girl's free hand was wrapped in the other's curls, Jane's posture visibly softening at the gesture. My heart hurt at the sight – glad that Natalie was in such a nice relationship but jealous at my own loneliness.

I turned back to my phone, fingers shaky as I typed out a response.

6:55 PM | Toby | I'd love to go out
6:55 PM | Toby | what did u have in mind?

I looked up as the bell rang for a new customer only for my heart to drop at the sight. Normally, I was giddy for Brian's almost daily visit, but now my phone was burning in my palm. The red hot of my sins felt like it would burn a permanent mark in my skin, a symbol of my greed for all to see surely welting onto my palm.

But guilt didn't stop time, and Brian was now in front of me, and he looked worried as he called my name. "Y'alright, pretty boy," Brian asked, his tone softened like I was a wounded animal. My phone buzzed with a new text, and I practically shoved it into my pocket, pushing my shame down with it.

"Y-yeah, I'm good," I replied, fiddling with my fingers. "D-do you wa-ant the us-usual?"

He still seemed concerned, but he went along with it for me, shaking his head. "I was wondering if I could just get a tall black coffee today. Haven't slept all day, and I'm about to go into work."

I nodded, scurrying off to fix his drink. The coffee wasn't as hot as my chest felt.

I passed the drink off to him, mumbling the total and smiling as he handed me cash, telling me to put the rest in the tip jar. He picked up his drink but didn't move just yet, almost awkward in his stance, something that was new for the seemingly-always-confident man.

"I'm not sure if this is a bad time to ask, considering you seem a bit off today, but there's this nice Japanese place that just opened near my work, and I was wondering if were free sometime soon. I'd like to take you."

Oh, what god has cursed me. I froze at the statement, the question heavy in the air. My pocket burned. But I nodded, a genuine smile still managing to climb across my face. I wasn't dating anyone. My options were open. Who knew if either of them even liked trans men. I was destined for failure no matter what, so why not enjoy it while I could? There was no reason to feel as ashamed as I did, right? This wasn't wrong.

"I-I can s-sss-send you my s-schedule, a-and you can pick whi-ichever day w-works f-for you."

Brian traced the lid to his coffee, the smallest tilt of his lips to indicate his happiness. "I'll be waiting, then."