all the things i never said pt.2

i miss you, but you're not gone.

i miss you. i miss the person i sent my book annotations to. i miss the person who'd say 'that's my girl' to me after i'd sent a part of a book commenting 'that's the cutest thing a guy could say to a girl'. i miss that phase. the phase where we didn't have to admit it to anyone, not even each other, that we were falling, hard. i miss the phase where i felt that it's okay to be a little vulnerable, cause you were too. i always had my doubts, but yes i really fucking miss the phase where i didn't have to pretend, where i talked to you because i wanted to and not because i didn't want to be the bad person, where i didn't have to delete every single text i sent to you where i shared a little part of my life, my problems, and my mind. i miss the phase we were in when we went to salt house. because, i think, i'm pretty sure, that at least at that time, there was no one else for you. i miss the comfortable vibe we shared, how i was laughing and i didn't have to worry about being too loud or weird. i miss the time when you made me have ice-cream and actually kept your promises. i just really fucking miss you.

and the worst part of all of it is that you're still here, but everything's changed. i didn't lose you. i just lost the part of you which i could've called mine. because now, all that's left is the heartbroken version of you, the version which she who didn't know how to handle your amazing heart left behind, and i'm still here, trying to join back back as many pieces as i can, an ounce of self-respect not in sight. all because i'm a fixer, and when i fix other people, i don't have to think about how fucking broken i am.