With You

Chapter 11

That evening, after leaving Cecila in her rooms to rest, Obi Wan walked the Temple halls and considered his life up to this point. He considered his reasons and motivations for being dedicated to the Jedi Order. It was all he'd known since childhood, but there is a point in the process of training, of going from youngling, to Padawan, to Knight, that you must embrace the Jedi Order, it's Code, and it's ways as your own.

He cared deeply for Cecilia Quin. There was no doubt in his mind that what he felt for her was love. There was no denying they had a bond within the Force, and no denying that strong bond was a part of why he felt so strongly for her. So how could he be asked by the Jedi to deny what the Force had given to them?

He admitted to himself that one of the only things that concerned him about his decision to accept and pursue his bond with Cecilia was guilt. He felt guilty because his fear of their connection is what drove her from the Order. He felt guilty because for years he'd been so hard on Anakin about his emotions and particularly about his attachment to Senator Padme Amidala, and now he was pursuing his own attachment.

Obi-Wan came to stand by a water fountain in the middle of one of the meditation gardens and began to ponder his guidance of Anakin through the years. He wondered if perhaps Anakin wouldn't have struggled so much had someone like Cecilia Quin been his mentor. He was always so hard on Anakin, wishing to bend him and force him to follow the Jedi Code. Had Qui-Gon not died and been Anakin's Master, he was sure that the man would have given him more flexibility and room to discover how to master his emotions with much less berating than he'd done through the years.

Obi-Wan closed his eyes and allowed himself to focus on the sound of the water flowing through the fountain as he went into meditation.

"You have always been far too hard on yourself, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan jumped at the sound of the familiar voice and opened his eyes to find Master Lin standing nearby, a small smile on her face..

"Master Lin, it is good to see you. It's been quite some time."

The older woman smiled, and while there were many more wrinkles and much more grey in her hair, Obi-Wan considered that she still had the mischevious twinkle in her eyes he remembered from when he was growing up. "Yes, it has, Master Kenobi." The woman clearly used his title as a way of signifying just how long it had been. Being honest with himself, he knew he'd probably done his best to avoid her over the years as seeing her brought many memories of his times with Cecilia.

"Funny we haven't run into each other before now," he said, not even attempting to veil the reasons. The look he received back suddenly made him realize—perhaps it had been the same for her. He stood and moved to her side as they watched the water flow from the fountain. "I take it you've heard."

"I have."

"I'm sure she'll come see you, Master Lin."

"I wish I had your certainty, Obi-Wan. But you always were quite certain about how you felt about things."

"Hmm," he hummed, "not as certain as I perhaps would hope."

"Her return brings up quite a bit for you, doesn't it?"

"I dare not try to mask it from the one other person in the Temple who perhaps has a clue as to what life was like for Cecilia and I before she left."

"You seem to be at a crossroads, Obi-Wan. I sense that you are questioning yourself about many things."

He sighed. "What does it mean to be a Jedi when I do not agree with some of their strongest tenants any more?"

"It means you have a decision to make, I suppose."

"I think often about Master Qui-Gon. I am scared by the number of questions and doubts I have in my mind. I question how I trained Anakin. I question my future with Cecilia. And deepest of all, I question my future within the Jedi Order."

"Do not fear your questions, Obi-Wan. Allow the Force to guide you to the correct answers. But do not expect to have all your questions answered, today, tomorrow, or possibly ever. Even in the Force, at times, their must be faith. We do not always understand the way the Force guides us."

Obi-Wan hummed again as he considered Master Lin's answer.

"Not exactly the response you expected?' She said with a chuckle.

"I shouldn't be surprised," Obi-Wan said with a grin. "You and Master Qui-Gon were so much alike."

"I take that as high praise," she said with a kind nod before they turned their attention back to the fountain for a while.

After several moments, Obi-Wan finally said what he was thinking. "I love her."

"Of course you do," Master Lin said with a broad smile. "You two have been wrapped up in each other since the day you met."

"She left," he said, looking down at his feet with a furrowed brow.

"She left the Order—but she never truly left you , did she?"

"I never forgot about her."

"And she never forgot about you."

"You say that with strong conviction, Master Lin." She remained quiet as a response and when he looked over, he saw a smile at that made his eyes go wide. "You stayed in contact with her, didn't you?"

The older woman sighed and turned to Obi-Wan, placing a comforting hand on his arm. "Once a year, for the past ten years, I have received a written transmission from her, from an untraceable location. She made me promise not to tell you."

"She—she wrote about me though?"

"Of course she did."

"Did she—did she tell you why she left?"

"You blame yourself? Still?"

"We haven't talked a great deal about it."

"Then I leave you with this, Master Kenobi—talk to her. One of the greatest strengths of your bond with Cecilia always was your honesty with each other. Don't hide behind your worry, your doubt, your questions, your fears—just ask her. She will tell you. And you will both be stronger for it."