Always, Darling

Chapter 42

~ Ｎ Ａ Ｄ Ｉ Ａ ~

Things had changed since Dad's release, in a good way. Simon was staying home more often, and even if our relationship still wasn't quite the same, I knew it would get there with time. But there was something I needed to do first to ensure that my family wouldn't suffer any longer.

I needed to end the search for Mama.

So here I was, seated at the kitchen table with my brother on one side and Dad on the other. The two of them were completely focused on their brightened computer screens, Dad catching up on work and Simon finishing the last of his college applications. I, on the other hand, sat before my computer screen, staring absentmindedly at my incomplete English essay that I had received two extensions on because of the arrest. It was due in two days, and I needed write this 1200 word essay analyzing The Bluest Eye, but I couldn't concentrate because of this conversation I had failed to have with Dad.

I knew my procrastination was due to fear, fear that ending this investigation would mean I was failing Mama, that I was letting her go from my life forever. She had loved me once, and even if her actions weren't always the best, she was still the only true blood I had. Dad and Simon may have shown me nothing but love since my adoption, but the fact still remained that we didn't share a drop of blood.

"You okay, Nads?" Dad asked, a small smile on his lips. "You haven't written a single word. Do you want me to help?"

I bit the inside of my lip and clutched the ring that was strung around my neck, the last thing Mama had given me before leaving me at the orphanage. It was now or never.

"There's something I need to ask you."

Simon stood up from the table with his computer in hand. "I'll be in my room."

"Wait," I said, grabbing my brother's arm. "You can stay. This is something you should hear."

Simon's lips were pursed as he sat back down, a look of curiosity on his features.

Dad closed his computer and leaned back in his chair, his entire focus on me. "What is it? Is something wrong?"

I shook my head. "Dad, I was selfish when I first made you sign that contract to adopt me. I never...I never thought asking you to look for my mother would put you in danger or get you arrested."

Dad furrowed his eyebrows. "I don't understand, sweetheart. My arrest wasn't because—"

"I'm not stupid," I interrupted. "Why else would those specific people turn up dead? Every single one of those victims were connected to Mama and this search."

My eyes burned with unshed tears. So many people had been hurt because of me, and I refused to cause any more pain and suffering.

My hands shook as I undid the clasp of my necklace and placed the jewelry on the table. "I don't need Mama anymore. I've found a family in you and Simon, in my cousins and aunts and uncle, in Nonno. I don't need her. All I need is you, Dad."

"What are you asking me to do?"

"Stop looking for her. Stop looking for my mother."

I will protect you, even if I lose the person I have been yearning for since I was a little girl.

Dad clenched his jaw and looked past me towards Simon. "Si, can you give us a moment?"

Simon nodded his head in acknowledgment, grabbing his computer and retreating to his room.

I avoided Dad's gaze, keeping my eyes fixed on the ring that lay on the table. My neck felt bare without it. I had worn that ring around my neck since I was a child as a reminder of the mother who had promised to come back for me. Now, it only served as a cruel memory of my abandonment. Mama may have had sincere intentions when she left me at the orphanage all those years ago, but as I looked back on those years of loneliness, I couldn't help but wonder if there was a better alternative.