Hitchhikers Guide to the World of Tanks (with apologies to Mickey Spillane and Douglas Adams)
The name's Hammer, Mike Hammer. I'm a private detective.
I may not be the swiftest player on the team, but I get there, eventually.
Some say I'm a heavy or a trouble-shooter. Others just call me a dick.
Whatever.
It was late in the evening.
I was alone in my office down at the Port.
I'd sent my receptionist, Emma-Kate Sherman, home early.
In the morning we'd been checking out the oil field in Dezful.
Word had it that a light tank patrolling the area was passing info to the competition.
To put it crudely, there's nothing worse than a leaky oil tank.
Unfortunately, Emma-Kate had got stuck down an open bore hole.
It took a while to get her out and she was not happy.
She's not really a well woman.
I was about to close up when the phone rang.
It was a dame.
She said she wanted to be Annie.
"Ok, Ms. Nonimous", I said, "What's the problem?"
She replied that her boyfriend worked at World of Tanks and had a hot tip.
I said, "That can be cleared up with a shot of penicillin."
She seemed a bit put out.
"I feel you should see this", she said.
"Lady", I replied, "I don't deal in feelings, just the facts"
The line went dead.
I really hate tank calls.
I was heading out the door when the fax machine started up.
A couple of pages spewed out – looked like a partial set of meeting minutes.
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Word of Tanks – Console
Minutes of Meeting – Page 2
Major Strategic Planning Decisions – cont'd
3.3 Eight large pizzas, extra cheese, ham instead of peperoni. No anchovies.
Miscellaneous Topics
New Content Licensing Agreement
To provide a welcome distraction the Marketing Department has signed a licensing agreement with Douglas Adams's estate for content from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
New Tank Commanders
Zaphod Beeblebrox – the two headed former President of the Galaxy.
- Receives a 100% experience bonus for obvious reasons.
- Will also receive a to-be-determined crew efficiency bonus when multi-turreted tanks introduced.
Marvin the Paranoid Android – it's tough when you have a brain the size of a plant
- Automatically provides a 50% crew efficiency boost
- Also generates a 25% crew experience bonus – all of it negative.
Vogon Commander – CANCELLED
- Thank you to the management team for acting as models
- Unfortunately all the scripted lines were in Vogon poetry and none of the voice over actors survived the auditions.
Other Characters
The two random soldiers by the fire on the left of the tank review screen will be replaced by Ford Prefect updating his copy of the Guide, and Arthur Dent, in his dressing gown, having a nice cup of tea.
Various houses on the Fredvang map will have spray paint decals applied saying "Slartybartfast was here".
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Word of Tanks – Console
Minutes of Meeting – Page 3
New Consumables
Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster – the drink to have when you're having only one!
- On first activation all players on both teams receive 1M silver and 100K crew XP because it's just a video game and we're all beautiful people just trying to get along and really, what's the point?
- A second activation kills everyone, ends the match and all crews operate at 25%, 50% and 75% of their normal efficiency respectively for the next three games.
Infinite Improbability Drive
- Activation immediately transports the tank and crew to another random location on the map
- Any inflight anti-tank guided missiles (ATGM's) are transformed into either a potted geranium or a blue whale
New Equipment
Towel
- Reduces the accuracy on any weapon targeting the tank by 50%
- Anyone so well organized to have a towel can reasonably be assumed to be fully equipped and very experienced. Shooting at such a frood should be given a second or even third thought and will make any attacker extremely nervous.
Help for New Users
The 3 random info panels on the left of the battle loading screen will be replaced by the cover of the Hitchhikers Guide which says DON'T PANIC in large friendly letters.
New Tank
The Heart of Gold – based on the interstellar starship
- Has no armour or weapons but looks so mind bogglingly awesome that it is virtually impossible to see (with a detection distance of 15 cm).
- While everyone will want to buy or steal this tank, it will be given away to anyone that provides the required personal info.
- Once assigned, the crew will be unable to transfer. We'll see how they enjoy living in a phish tank.
Implementation
We'll announce on Discord the destruction of the forum was necessitated by the construction of an intergalactic bypass and blame the Vogons. Nobody on Discord is likely to know what we're talking about, and anyway our lawyers say this is close enough to the truth to be legally justifiable.
Meeting Ended
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Huh - would have been interesting to see the first page.
Guess that one didn't go through.
Whatever.
I fired the sheets into the circular filing cabinet.
What a crazy idea - spaced armour.
Talk about science fiction!
YOU ARE READING
I, The Tiger (A Series of Tank Noir Stories)
HumorTank Noir? Think film noir with bigger guns! Set a grimy 1950's detective story in the World of Tanks universe. Add equal parts Fury and Airplane (don't call me Shirley!). And for a seasonal touch in the first chapter - a splash of It's a Wonderful...
