Faded Blue Jeans

aftermath

"you're worth it." he says, letting his car run to keep us warm. 'he thinks i'm worth it?' i thought looking into his intense eyes, feeling my chest burn with excitement.
"you're not as big as you think you are." he says. 'he doesn't see what i see tho.' i can tell he's lying, deep down. he's good at lying, it's like his second nature. feeding an innocent girl words with no backstory.
'i will kill you.' he says in a snapchat. 'i hope it's painless.' maybe killing me would've saved me from the endless questions i have. saved me from remembering everything like a stop motion.
"weird bitch." i didn't think weird was a bad thing, but apparently it's the verdict.
"used" was never a word i used to describe myself, only hearing it in stories.
when you find out the truth, it all makes sense. it's like finally finding the light at the end of the tunnel. instead of a light, it's one of them bullet trains racing you down. the damage is done, flattening you the way the truth did against your throat. the wreckage holding you hostage, breaking you into ways you never thought possible.
"you're worth it." i should've ran the other way, my arms flailing, voice rough from the screams that released from deep within my belly. my legs should've given out, i would've laid on the ground and let you swallow me whole.
"you win." i would've told you, as they laid me to rest. the supply of adrenaline  you gave me feeding the earth around me, sending tidal waves into california and tropical storms on the coast. you should've came with a warning sign. i'd heard about the caution with you, but what can i say? i like to ignore my morals, as they push and pull in my mind. i use noise canceling headphones as i search for you, but everywhere i look there you are. no right way to find you, it's like looking for something you didn't know you lost.